


Committment, Love, and All Together Now

by blackchaps



Series: One at a Time [4]
Category: Law & Order: SVU, Oz (TV)
Genre: Drug Addiction, M/M, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Scarification, Schmoop, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-12
Updated: 2013-10-12
Packaged: 2017-12-29 06:15:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 71,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1001972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackchaps/pseuds/blackchaps
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Beta: Thanks to suespur for reading every word! I did my best!</p><p>Series: Part Four of the One at a Time series. The other chapters can be found here on AO3.<br/>Summary: This picks up where chapter four left off. Toby is starting to get his feet underneath him and find his way in the world when his family turns up to complicate everything. Elliot has difficulties of his own, dealing with his attraction to Toby. Kassie is, of course, more interested in biscuits, but she has a secret of her own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Committment, Love, and All Together Now

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE go look at the art by 1000lux at
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Oz_Big_Bang/works/1000011
> 
> there are puppies!!!

Chapter 5 - Committment  
*****

"I think it's a great idea," Mabel said in that tone that dared someone to contradict her. "The children will love it."

"It's a twist on our usual food drive." Deakins nodded in agreement. He was probably scared to disagree. "Toby, you're not saying anything."

"I'm busy glaring." Toby wasn't thrilled about it, but he gave up. The dog didn't need a name, but if it would get them more food, he'd do it. "Fine! Get the ball rolling, but I'm not calling her Princess Babycakes."

"You will if that's the winner, at least in church, and you're the one who insisted on bringing her!" Mabel pointed at him. She was going at it now. "Dogs do not belong at church!"

Toby glowered. As if he'd had a choice. She didn't take no for an answer. Well, he wasn't very good at saying it when she was begging at the door. "She's better behaved than your grandchildren!"

"Can't really argue that," Mabel grumbled. "Still."

"I saw you slip her a treat last Sunday." Toby got to his feet. They were done, and he had things to do. "Okay, I'm going. Are we done?"

Deakins nodded with a smile. "Going to the pet store?"

"Oh, give it a rest." Toby was going to lunch. He dug her badge out and clipped it on her collar. "I'll have a new budget for us all to review by next week."

"Pets R Us was very generous. Is she manning or, well, dogging the table?" Deakins blinked and burst out laughing. Toby rolled his eyes and beat it out the door. He wouldn't be surprised if she did take over a table, and he still thought that providing some dog food was a good idea. Dog food was very expensive. Especially when the dog was big enough to have her own zip code.

"It's your own damn fault for being nice to them. I thought you were a police dog. God, you act like a pussy." Toby opened the cab door for her. "Mo's Diner. And another thing, what's with all the kissing? Those kids do not need your dog germs."

"You always talk to your dog?"

Toby tried not to think about it, but he did talk to her a lot. "If you end up named Babycakes, I am not to blame."

Her eyes were very brown, and she knew how to use them to maximum effect. The cabbie laughed, and Toby rode the rest of the way without talking to her. He paid, got her out, and went to the door. One deep breath and he went inside. Silence greeted him again. It seemed that cops had long memories. They needed to get over it, but he didn't think he should mention it right now.

"You can't bring that dog in here!" The manager came right at him.

Toby pointed at her collar. "She's a service dog."

The manager glared. "I guess I can't keep you out."

"No, you can't." Toby went to a booth, and she curled up underneath it. If looks could kill, he'd be dead, but he didn't give a shit. He ordered some coffee and waited. He'd made up his mind that he was coming here. It was that or never see Elliot again, and Toby had a few complaints that he wanted to air. Mostly concerning the huge, furry thing under the table. Other than the complaints, there was one topic they needed to cover that could turn ugly. He hoped not, but it was possible. It wasn't longer than two cups of coffee, and they came strolling through the door. Elliot and Fin saw him almost instantly, and they both looked disgusted to see him.

"Still got the brain damage thing going, huh?" Fin asked.

"Yep. Sit down but don't kick the dog." Toby hadn't seen Elliot since he'd dropped off the dog and spent the night. And kissed him, and that little deed had led him here.

Elliot and Fin looked under the table. "Did she grow?"

"Is there a size bigger than enormous?" Toby drank his coffee. "I still hate you, Elliot."

"Good." Elliot sat down across from him.

Fin pulled up a chair so he could sit at the end of the table. "What's her name?"

"Doesn't have one." Toby pointed his finger at Elliot. "You should've checked on us."

"I figured a guy who graduated Harvard could figure out a dog." Elliot smirked. Toby glared at him, but it was weak. She practically took care of herself. If she had thumbs, she'd take herself out to pee. That wasn't the issue, and Elliot knew it.

"Dogs ain't allowed in here." Fin didn't look as if he approved. "Thought you hated dogs?"

"I do," Toby said, making sure to sound sarcastic. "That's the point. You didn't tell him?"

"Didn't see any reason to."

The waitress showed up, and everyone ordered the same thing. Toby waited for Elliot to tell Fin, but that didn't happen, so he finally said, "She's a police dog. Elliot got her at some kennel, foisted her off on me, and had them send me the damn bill!"

Fin didn't look as if he cared, and then Elliot casually stole Toby's coffee. Toby tried to remember why he'd bothered to come here. Complaints. That was it, and then it hit him like a punch in the face. He loved Elliot. Really loved him. The bad kind of love. If Chris were alive, Chris would kill Elliot dead - that kind of love - and it made what Toby had to say so much harder. He reached down and patted his dog. Fucked up the ass didn't begin to describe it.

********

Elliot was very careful not to show that he was glad to see him. Work had been hell since that one day off, and seeing Toby with the dog made him want to smile. He wouldn't, but it was a good thing. Toby was better, and the dog had a good home.

"So, are you doing okay?" Elliot asked.

"Maybe you should ask her." Toby was full of the sarcasm today, but he'd been here waiting, and that felt like something. Elliot didn't really care, but it was nice. He watched Fin and Toby spar back and forth over dogs, drugs, and cops.

"You guys are giving me indigestion." Elliot was glad to see the food. He didn't say anything else until he saw Toby put a fry under the table. "Those aren't good for her."

"She's a cop. She'll have a pot belly and a heart attack by ten. Give her a break." Toby laughed at him. Next time he got a chance, he'd meet him on the fire escape. Maybe Mabel had left a pie in the fridge. He rubbed his hand down his face. No. It wasn't a good idea. They couldn't be friends, and he didn't like pretending.

*********

Toby wanted to stare at Elliot some more, so he stayed with him when they left the diner. Elliot gave him a long look, and Toby wished he knew what Elliot was thinking.

"Get in," he growled, and Toby got in the back of the car fast, almost knocking the dog down.

Fin turned around. "She don't give you a measure of respectability."

"Alert," Toby said. She growled, letting Fin know that he was an asshole. They only went as far as the precinct, but that was good enough. Toby fussed with getting the dog safely out, tail intact, and Elliot leaned against the car, arms crossed. Toby knew they'd talk when Fin was gone.

"Don't abuse her training." Elliot was serious. "Don't."

Toby shrugged. He wouldn't, but he was glad she looked out for him. "You ever dropping by again?"

Elliot chewed his lower lip. "Probably not."

"I'm going to get married," Toby said it fast to make it less painful of an idea. He'd thought about it long and hard, and it was the answer to his problem, but looking at Elliot made it hurt like hell.

Elliot blinked and his mouth sagged. "To who?"

Toby had come to the reluctant conclusion that he needed to find a wife. It made perfect sense. "Well, you and me…"

"There ain't no you and me." Elliot looked as dangerous as the dog had a few minutes ago.

"And that's why I think I should find a wife, start another family. Dog here has shown me that I'm alone too much, and I don't like it." Toby didn't want to be alone the rest of his life. It didn't matter how much he loved Elliot, they weren't going to happen. They'd never even be friends, not really, and it made his chest ache. Maybe a woman could take some of the ache out.

Elliot frowned. "You'd marry some woman, lie to her?"

"What's the lie? I like women fine." Toby stuffed his hands in his pockets. He had to go. He'd managed to say it, and he didn't want to shout at each other in the street. "So, you're right. Don't come by. I can't forget you, if you're hanging around."

Elliot drew back his head. "This is some sort of blackmail, isn't it? You want me to beg you not to and then we can kiss again."

Toby hadn't thought of that. He was sure that Chris would have. "Fuck, no! I miss my kids. My family. My brother. I can't do this alone for another thirty or forty years."

Elliot walked away from him, going inside without a look back. Toby looked down at his dog. "That's answer enough. Let's go home."

She wagged her tail. Toby nodded. "I know he's nice, and he's a great kisser. Did you see the fireworks? Wow." He started walking. "But he's not ever going to let me touch him, and I'm so tired of sleeping alone. Rick wasn't going to work out. Hell, everyone has a mate except me and you."

She nudged him with her nose. "Yeah, the park, got it. Even Mabel has Ralph. Ah, fuck, dog, how could I not love him?"

When they got to the park, she did dog things, and he found a bench. Picking up dog shit with a baggy was not his favorite part of the day, but she hadn't mastered the toilet yet. He always carried baggies and hand sanitizer now, and it worried him. At what point, had he become a dog person? Groaning in dismay, he looked up but didn't spot her. She really did need a name.

"Shazam!" Toby yelled.

She nearly knocked him down, and he stroked her head. "Good girl. Let's go home."

Her eyes were bright and she pranced a little. She did that. He didn't think it was cute. She found a stick and broke it in half. He laughed and started for home, running, and she kept up with him.

********

Elliot slammed his locker shut. He had played it over and over again, and he was just angry. Toby was going to lie so he could have a family? Wrong didn't begin to describe it. He should be lonely like everyone else and get the hell over it.

"Going home?"

Elliot nodded, but he wasn't sure. "Fin, you ever gonna get married again?"

"On purpose?" Fin started taking off his shirt. "Not damn likely."

Elliot missed his wife, his family. He didn't like going home to a dark house. That was why he worked all the time. If Toby was that lonely, he needed another job. Hell, he had a dog!

********

Toby saw her looking at him. She did that. It was as if she was trying to tell him something. He shut his computer off and sighed. "I don't think it's a good idea."

She tilted her head.

"You're still a bitch."

She got up and stretched, and he sighed. He patted the bed. "Come on." She jumped up next to him and settled in close. Smug didn't begin to describe it. He glared at her and then gave up. "I still don't like you." He didn't think she believed him.

Growling woke him up. She was standing on the bed, glaring at the window. Her growl made his hair stand on end. He scrambled up, looked out, and rubbed his eyes.

"Stand down," he said. She gave him a look that told him not to be a fool, and he opened the window. "Go lie down on your bed."

She glared one more time at Elliot and then went to her bed, curling up with a grunt. Elliot asked, "Was she sleeping with you?"

"Of course not." Toby would never admit that, but she sure had been warm. "The fuck you doing here?"

Elliot slipped in the window and shut it. Toby got out of the way, but it was late and he refused to get dressed. Elliot sat on the edge of the bed and glared. "You're an ass."

"You came over here to say that?" Toby rubbed his face. He had to wake up. "You could've sent me an email."

"You can't get married and lie to some poor woman. It's not right."

"I'm not going to lie. I'm just not going to tell her that I have a thing for you." Toby put a pillow against the wall and leaned back, pulling the covers around him to cover his scars. She was looking at him, and he knew she wasn't happy about someone coming through the window. "Elliot, aren't you going to try to find a wife? Don't you want someone?"

"What about Rick?"

"This is surreal." Toby laughed. Maybe he was dreaming. "Rick and I are friends, just friends. I know I'm beat up, but I still have a lot to offer. I have a dog for one thing."

Elliot smiled at her, not him, never him. "I knew she was perfect for you. Has she ever barked?"

"Howled once when some other dog did. I about pissed my pants." Toby wanted to pull him close, but he was afraid. "Elliot, why are you here?"

"I'm lonely too, but I'm not going to complain about it and push myself off on some woman!"

Toby groaned and gave up. When Elliot didn't show up for six months straight, Toby would consider dating women but not before then. It was the only solution to the problem.

"Look. I'm sorry I mentioned it. Go home and rest assured that I will stay lonely. After all, I have Mabel."

"And her." Elliot pointed at the dog.

"She's not bad." Toby reached and touched him on the back. They were having a fairly intimate conversation, and Elliot wouldn't even look at him. "Elliot, you've known from the beginning that I more than like you. You hang out with me, you tell me to go the fuck away, you save my life, you tell me to fuck off, you show up, sleep in my bed, and then, well, you know the rest. I'm tired of it. A wife, a woman, would help me forget, but you're right. It would be wrong."

Elliot said nothing. He put his head in his hands.

"I know you're not interested in me. If you want to be friends, I'd like that, but don't tell me you're not ever going to see me again. It sounds like we're breaking up, when we both know it's not true." Toby stroked his hand down Elliot's back. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know." Elliot got to his feet, leaving by way of the window without another word. Toby locked it after him. There was no point to wondering if he'd be back. Nothing about this situation made sense, and Toby wasn't smart enough to figure it out. Harvard hadn't prepared him to deal with Elliot. Neither had Oz. Elliot was like Chinese arithmetic - impossible to decipher.

"Psst." Toby smiled and patted the bed. She was warm, and he snuggled close. "Good girl."

********

Elliot went home, stared at his dark house from the inside of his car, and drove to work. He didn't know what he was doing, but he couldn't go home and pretend it was nothing.

"Elliot, you're back?" Cragen frowned.

"Forgot something." Elliot hung up his coat. He'd crash in the crib later. There was always paperwork to do, and when it was completely quiet in the bullpen, he leaned back and tried to think. It was all a jumble, and he didn't know what he wanted, or what he felt, or anything. He shut his eyes.

"Elliot, are you okay?"

Elliot sat up and tried to look alert. Huang pulled up a chair and sat down. That was bad. Elliot tried to find an answer. "Yeah. Tired."

"You haven't been yourself for days." Huang didn't look as if he'd be leaving before he got a few answers. "Can I help?"

"Who am I?" Elliot asked. He wished someone would tell him. It would make it all so much easier. "Have you ever done something that made everything in your world turn upside down?"

Huang raised his eyebrows almost to the roof. "Tell me what you did."

Elliot wasn't going to tell him about pulling Toby's ass back snug or a kiss that made his dick throb. He swallowed hard and said, "Being his friend is a direct violation of everything I believe."

"I assume you mean Tobias Beecher, and yes, on the surface, it would look that way." Huang looked sympathetic, and it was damn annoying. "But he's not a person who's easy to label. He made some mistakes, but he certainly is trying to make up for them. He has problems with addiction, but he's struggling to deal with it."

"I shouldn't give him the time of day." Elliot knew that was true. It was true.

Huang shook his head. "I think you gave him a chance and he seized it. He proved to you that he was going to do his best, and he hasn't let you down, has he?"

"No." Elliot didn't think that explained the kiss and his raging hard one, but it was a good point. "The dog is doing fine."

"And Tobias?" Huang asked.

"They were sleeping in the same bed." Elliot almost blushed. He shouldn't have known that. "He's over it."

Huang smiled. "Possibly. It'd be interesting to see if he's afraid of other dogs."

"I don't think he's willing to undergo that experiment." Elliot was sure he didn't want to mention it to Toby. He'd had bruises on his legs for a week. "Being friends with him seems like a step in the wrong direction."

"You'll never know if you don't try." Huang got to his feet. "What can it hurt?"

Elliot turned off his computer. He had to sleep some tonight. Huang wandered off, and Elliot made it to a bunk. He pushed off his shoes and lay back flat. It was obvious that he had to find some answers and talk to him. It was going to be the most difficult thing he'd ever done.

********

Toby fed the dog, took a shower, and got dressed for work. It wasn't really work, but it sounded good. He brushed his hair and said to her, "You look great. Fur is really in this year."

She whined.

"Oh, yeah." Toby got her moving down the stairs. She took care of it fast, and they went back up. He finished getting ready, and she went to look out the window. Her low growl was almost funny. There was no way that Elliot was out there. Toby padded over. No sign of him, and he gave her a pat. "You're still mad about it, huh?"

She licked him on the hand. He made sure he had everything, including all the rolls, and got moving. Today, he had to bag the rolls, make sure the dog food was put out, unload the truck, and let Mabel boss him around. It'd be a full morning. "Now, no acting like a wimp this morning. Bite someone for fuck's sake."

She didn't make any promises, and they went inside the church. Deakins poked his head out of his office. "Hey, Toby."

"Hey." Toby didn't put the rolls down. "How'd the news go over?"

Deakins smiled. "Next Sunday, she has to come to church and promote it. You can stay home."

"Good." Toby smiled at her. "I'll send her."

"Do that." Deakins went in his office but Toby heard him say, "She's going to heaven."

Toby knew where he was headed. "Hey! I come to church!" He did, about once a month.

"Move it, Beecher!" Mabel patted the dog on the head. "I want you to teach her a trick."

"Mabel, she's smarter than I am. She teaches me tricks." Toby started for the basement. Mabel beat him there. "But what?"

Mabel started the coffee, and he worked on bagging the rolls. He tossed his dog one, and it was gone instantly. Mabel came back and helped. "Teach her to pick a piece of paper out of a container."

"Excuse me?" Toby kept his hands moving. Mabel walked out and came back later with a huge fish bowl. He looked inside. "Names?"

"Yes." Mabel set it down. Toby picked one of the names out. He cringed and put it back fast. She laughed. Toby put the container on the floor. "Come here."

She walked over and sniffed. He snapped his fingers, pointed, and said, "Get it."

Mabel snorted. Toby smiled as his dog stuck her nose in the container and came up with a piece of paper. Mabel took it. "She's definitely smarter than you."

"Oh, hush." Toby laughed and went back to his rolls. He did grab the paper and look at it. "Dog, unless you want to be named Princess of the Deep Blue Sea, I suggest you learn to read."

She lolled out her tongue. Toby kept at the rolls, and Ralph started hauling them away. Mabel came in a few minutes later. "Truck's here. Get busy."

"Come on, girl." Toby hurried, and he'd never admit that he liked her at his heels. She found her usual spot in the grass, and he carried the crates inside and returned the ones from last time. Before long he was done, and he went to help with tables. The dog food was set up, and his dog took up a position near it. She was no dummy. He moved her behind it and said, "Stay."

"Get ready!" Mabel brought Toby some coffee. "Ralph wants ice cream duty."

"Ah, sh--." He bit off the second word when he saw her face. "I'll watch his table too."

"Do that." Mabel waved at the dog. "She's much better behaved than you."

Toby refrained from sticking his tongue out at her. He always kept an eye on dog, but she knew how to act around kids. The only problem was keeping the kids from giving her too much ice cream and cleaning it out of her fur later. People started coming through, and they all were happy to see the dog - him, not so much.

One young lady did stop to talk. "The dog food is a great idea!"

"It was her idea." Toby pointed at his dog. She didn't look completely happy that the food was disappearing. "She worked a deal with Pets R Us."

More than the woman laughed, and the line moved on around the room. Toby cut the ice cream off after two. She was going to get fat. The kids were never scared to pile around her, and he wasn't as nervous as he had been at first. Towards the end, he got some coffee, and walked around to see how their supplies were. It was Mabel's job, but he liked to be on top of things. There was never leftover milk. Occasionally, the people at the end of the line got two.

"Toby, show us her tricks!"

Toby sipped his coffee. "She doesn't know any." He'd never done it before so they couldn't know.

"She's a police dog! They know everything!"

Toby groaned and went to the middle of the hall. "Shazam!" he said. She was there fast, and he patted her on the head. All the kids laughed their asses off. It was funny. Some trainer had gotten a good laugh. He made her lay, sit, shake hands with both paws, crawl, beg, and turn circles. The kids loved it all. Even some of the grownups smiled.

"Make her speak!" One of the kids yelled.

Toby made them hush. "Okay, I'll tell you a secret, if you'll be quiet and listen."

The silence was deafening. He pointed at the floor, and she lay down. "My dog has a disability."

The kids gasped. He nodded. "It's true. She can't talk." Or she was stubborn about it. "She doesn't bark. Not ever."

A chorus of wows went up, and he smiled. "All of us have a thing that makes us different, but that's good. Who wants to be the same?"

"Not ever?" a little girl asked.

"Nope. The people I got her from said she had never, not even when she was a puppy." Toby hoped they were right. He might pass out if she did. The sound of dogs barking still made him flinch. "Don't hurt her feelings, okay?"

The kids nodded, and he saw Mabel's smile. She was a softie on the inside. It wasn't much longer, and he was taking down tables. Dog had gone back to guard the rest of the dog food. He put it in the pantry and patted her head.

"Good girl."

She seemed happy with that. He did the floors. She watched. He stacked the empty milk crates. She watched. When he was done, he went out to sit down by her. "You could help, ya know."

She licked him and put her head on his knee. She loved him, and only God knew why. He watched Mabel fuss at Ralph. Everyone else had cleared out. Deakins peeked around the door, saw him, and came over.

"Did you see the posters?"

"For what?" Toby sighed at her messy fur and got up. "The kids make her sticky."

Deakins guided him out in the hallway to show him the display. "What do you think?"

Toby liked it. "She looks good. One can of food will get one name, huh? That sounds fair."

"Have you read some of the names?"

"Unfortunately." Toby brushed off his jeans.

"Don't forget church on Sunday. I wish she could pass the collection plate. Everyone loves her."

"People are weird. She's a dog." Toby didn't understand it, but he wasn't going to fight about it. "Oh, and she can do that."

"Really?"

"She was taught to carry things, in case someone needed help. As long as she understands, she'll do it." Toby thought she could.

Deakins grinned. "Wear a suit."

"If I gotta. Okay, I'm for lunch. See ya." Toby patted her on the side, and they walked home. He hoped they ran the food drive long enough to get some good names in that container. Someone drove passed him and honked, and he waved. He smiled down at her. "Really, girl, I can't complain. I have friends, a place to live, and ice cream to brush out of your hair. Considering how long I lived in the hole with nothing but a bucket, this is the good life."

She bumped him on purpose. He patted her head. "What do you think about the wife thing?" He didn't expect an answer. "Would you mind? Waiting for Elliot is a stupid idea. He's not ever going to come around."

She stopped at a tree and peed. He waited for her. She trotted back to him, and he ran a block with her. She always won. "Okay, enough. I need food."

She perked up her ears. She was always hungry. He didn't go straight up. They watched the people go by for a few minutes, and he kept his hand on her head, gently tugging her ears. Thinking about last night had seemed a waste of time, but he did now. Elliot was right. Oh, he was wrong, but he was also right. It would be a lie. Toby dug out his key and they went up. He resented having to spend the rest of his life pining for Elliot and missing Chris. It was if God was having some fun with him.

Dog emptied her water bowl, and he filled it again. He found some food, ate, and then sat down on the floor to brush her. "You like this spray on shampoo stuff?" She sniffed it and seemed unimpressed. He never ceased to be amazed at how much crap they sold for dogs. When he was done, he whispered, "Where's your rope?"

She started looking, and he laughed when she found it. "It's not supposed to be in the bed!" He took it and tossed it in the air. She caught it. "Park?"

She went to the door with her rope. He smiled and got it for her. They both stopped in shock. Elliot didn't look as if he'd slept in several days. The skin around his eyes was practically black.

"We were headed to the park."

"I'll walk with you," Elliot said, and he sounded tired. Toby didn't push him for information. She was happy to run and play, and he threw the rope for her until he was tired. Elliot watched and said nothing.

Toby had to say something when he sat down on the same bench. "At church, we're having a name that dog food drive. She's going to pick her own name out of a bucket."

"I bet it'll be something stupid." Elliot looked so tired. Toby wanted to take him home and baby him.

"No doubt about that. We did a dry run today, and she picked Princess of the Deep Blue Sea." Toby snorted. "But we are getting a lot of food."

"Good from bad." Elliot watched her. "What else?"

Toby's brain stalled. "I know you're right about the wife thing." He wanted to touch him, reassure him, but didn't dare. "I was alone so long, and it drove me back to drugs so often, that I guess I'm more afraid of that than I am of dogs. Kinda stupid."

"Not really." Elliot glanced at him. "You're still scared of dogs?"

"Well, yes." Toby blushed. "But it's better, and I'm fine as long as she's with me. I know she'll protect me."

Elliot stared at him for a long time. "Is that why you take her everywhere?"

"That, and she always goes to the door. I'm not all that good at saying no." Toby tried to scrub the red off his face. "You did a nice thing for me."

"You're welcome." Elliot smiled in his smirky way. "At least you're getting out of the apartment."

Toby grabbed the rope as she passed by, teasing him, and they played tug-a-war. She won and threw it in the air. He tried to catch it, missed, and she ran off with it. She'd be back. He laughed and sat down. "You should go home and sleep for two days."

Elliot nodded, but didn't get up. "We can still be friends?" His voice was soft and low.

"Nothing I want more." Toby hoped he didn't sound like the needy bitch that he was. "You okay with it?"

Elliot stood and stretched. "I had it, and then I lost it, but yes."

"I shouldn't have kissed you. It scared you half to death." Toby whistled, and she came out from under a bush with her rope. "Your fur is dirty again!"

She wagged her tail and pranced. Elliot laughed. "She doesn't care."

"No shit." Toby was glad to see him laugh. "Want to crash at my place? She'll be quiet."

Elliot shrugged, but they walked back together. Toby had a feeling something important had happened, but figuring out what would be tough. Elliot made clams look mouthy. Toby made her put her rope on her bed and then cleaned her up again. After that, she took a long drink and went to flop down in her favorite spot. It was her nap time.

"Well?" Toby glanced at Elliot, who was eating something from the fridge. Elliot didn't answer. Toby opened his computer and did his stuff, ignoring them both. When he looked again, they were both asleep. He put a quilt on Elliot and went back to work on the budget. They would finish the year with a healthy surplus, and he intended to buy the kids some presents, but he hadn't told Mabel yet.

Deakins had been so thrifty for so many years that they had money to burn, but he wouldn't do that. The bulk of it he was keeping in reserve for the times they expanded the menu. The payment from the law firm had also gone up, and that was all to the good. Toby idly wondered what Angus did with his money. Prostitutes?

She nudged his hand, and he stroked her. She finally lay down next to him, and he made a list of things to do before Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was their busy time of the year. She sighed like dogs did, and he hated to think of her named something stupid. Maybe there was a way to stack the deck in his favor - increase the odds of a good one. He smiled and started another list.

********

Elliot opened his eyes and saw only blue. Nothing made sense for a second and then he heard Toby talking to his dog. "He's not dead. Don't worry so much."

"Yeah, I think I am." Elliot groaned but didn't sit up. He was still tired. "What time is it?"

"About ten." Toby suddenly stood over him. "You hungry?"

Elliot nodded, and he heard Toby start messing around in the kitchen. Sitting up, Elliot held his head and prayed for Tylenol.

"Headache?"

"Yeah." Elliot didn't think he could form a clear thought. Toby handed him some Tylenol and a soda. Elliot thanked him and stayed on the sofa. "Sorry about this."

"Not a problem." Toby was using the microwave. "No, you don't get any. Quit begging."

Elliot smiled. "She's not fat."

"Not yet." Toby brought him a fork and a napkin and went back for the food. "She's a complete bitch."

Elliot thanked him for the plate of food. "Well, yes. Some dogs prefer to be fed twice a day, half and half. You could try that."

Toby huffed. "Too much work. She needs to be grateful for what she gets." He turned on the TV. The dog sat down next to him, and he put his arm around her. Elliot laughed. Yes, he could see who ran the show around here. Toby put it on the news. "Eat and relax."

Elliot did, and he felt better when he was done. He put his plate in the sink, used the bathroom, and came out to find Toby and the dog on the sofa. She looked happy with herself. Elliot took his chair and said, "You're spoiling her rotten."

"She worked hard at the food bank today. This is our TV time. You were in the way, and she was worried." Toby stroked her. "I never thought a dog could be so smart."

"Most aren't. The trainer told me that she was exceptional. He was very upset she didn't make it." Elliot put his feet up and leaned back. "He's an old friend of mine. I promised him that she'd get the best, and I can safely tell him that she's getting it."

Toby shrugged and pulled her ears. She was stretched out the length of the sofa, except for the part that was on Toby. Elliot remembered something. "Oh, and I promised him puppies if you ever breed her."

"The fuck?" Toby looked at her back half. "She's not fixed?"

"Don't think so." Elliot wasn't so sure now. "You should check her papers."

Toby tapped her on the head. "No puppies, hear me?"

She licked him. He groaned, and Elliot smiled. They were practically married. Whether Toby knew it or not, he already had a wife. "Toby, how's the fight with drugs coming along?"

"I don't. That's enough." Toby scratched her belly. "When I think about it, we go for a walk or something."

Elliot was very glad. He had hoped that having a dog would help him think of something outside of himself. Toby thought too much. That had become obvious in the time they'd known each other. She made him focus on the now.

"She needs you."

"Don't know why." Toby gave her a noogie. She seemed to really like it. Elliot forced the last of the tension from his shoulders. He was fine. They'd be friends, and he needed one who wasn't a cop. Toby wouldn't ask for more. He knew better. Elliot rubbed his lips. He was making the right decision.

********

Toby wanted Elliot to stay, but one wrong move would send him bolting out the door. When he fell asleep in the chair, Toby covered him with the quilt and took the dog out one more time. Then they went to bed. She beat him there, and he had to wiggle to make room for himself.

"Scoot over," he grumbled, and she did move, mostly closer. He gave up and let her squish him. She viewed the bed as her property and him as a large, squeaky toy. He was sure of it. And she snored. He put his arm around her and fell asleep.

*********

Elliot got up to piss and stopped dead when he saw them on the bed. Toby had curled around her in the middle of the night. She raised her head and gave off a soft, low growl, and he got the message. He went to the bathroom and back to the sofa. Getting under the quilt, he smiled. Toby belonged to her, and she wasn't inclined to share.

*********

A soft whine woke him up, and he had his jeans on before he was awake. He put on his coat, no shirt, and stumbled down the stairs. She pissed while he yawned, and he let her tug him back up to the apartment. He stripped and went back to bed. She got a drink of water and then joined him. He was back asleep almost instantly.

*********

Elliot considered sneaking out. He should. It would neatly avoid his feelings for another day. He was good at ignoring them, and they were used to it. He rubbed the sand from his eyes. How long he could pull off this friend bullshit was the big question. At some point, he was going to snap and demand another kiss so he could see if it was as good as the first one. It had nothing to do with being gay. It had to do with want.

Huang would say that Elliot should own it, but that wasn't going to happen, not yet. He felt a slight sense of shame, but he shoved it away. His own sense of sexuality was too important to dick around with, and that made him groan. Toby's sexuality had been twisted by prison where the rule was simple: if it felt good, do it. Elliot's had been shaped by his father's belt. It still made him slightly queasy that he'd kissed another man and liked it. His father would beat him bloody.

"Five more minutes, please?"

Elliot heard her soft whine this time and Toby stomping to the kitchen. Dog food hit a metal dish, and he snarled, "Bitch."

She was chewing, and Elliot put his hand over his mouth so Toby wouldn't hear him laugh. Toby grumbled something about dogs and cops, but he was starting the coffee. "It's my day off!"

Elliot leaned up and stretched. "Mine too." He was through with sleeping for a while. "You let her sleep on the bed?"

"Uh, no," Toby said with shifty eyes. He was guilty as sin. "She has her own bed."

Elliot yawned. It wasn't his job to tell Toby that his dog was in love with him. He looked closely at his clothes and sighed. Too many days at work and he was a wreck. When he looked up, Toby was pointing at the washer/dryer combo. Elliot could only shake his head at the idea.

"Chicken." Toby went back to bed, and Elliot reluctantly decided to take him up on it. He went to the washer, stripped, and put his jeans and sweatshirt on wash. Adding his underwear and socks at the last minute, he went to take a shower, but he wasn't looking at the bed. The water felt good, and Elliot got very clean. When he stepped out, there was a robe on the sink, and he would definitely wear it. Toby was still a lump on the bed and now he had a dog mostly on him.

Elliot stayed away. She was staring in what wasn't a friendly way. He got some coffee, turned on the news, and listened to his clothes wash. When the machine turned off, he threw them in the dryer and went back to his coffee. The morning people were chipper, and he disliked them, as usual.

"I said not to put the rope in the bed!" Toby complained. "I have a burn!"

"Oh, way to be firm with her." Elliot laughed. He looked over, and Toby was making the bed. She was watching her rope.

Toby put it in a cabinet. "Bad dog."

She actually whined, and Elliot revised his opinion of Toby's tactics. "Does that work?"

"For a week or so and then she sneaks it back in the bed. Not that I let her sleep with me." Toby seemed to cough, and he was moving for the coffee. What he needed was pants, but Elliot found it hard to complain since he was in a robe. Toby took the chair. "Let me tell you my idea."

Elliot raised his eyebrows.

"Now, the odds are very good that she'll draw a really terrible name, so this is what I think I'll do. I'll buy some prizes and give those out, praying that eventually she'll pull a good one." Toby sipped his coffee.

"Not a bad idea." Elliot thought it at least gave her a chance of holding her head up at the dog park. "Won't the kids be disappointed?"

"Not if they get bikes or something good." Toby idly dropped his hand on her head. "It's that or call her Fifi Pants for the rest of her life."

"That would be a crime." Elliot drank his coffee. "Registered dogs can have five or six names. She has two already. Line them up, everyone wins, and you can call her whatever isn't too awful."

"That's genius." Toby got up and went to his desk. Elliot heard the dryer click off and went to see if they were dry. He got dressed right there. He felt much better clean, and he returned the robe to Toby's armoire. She gave him a look, but didn't growl. Her eyes shifted over to the cabinet where her rope was, and Elliot shook his head. That dog was way too smart. He refilled his coffee and sat back down. Toby joined him after a moment, without jeans, and Elliot wished that he wasn't noticing.

"Any other brilliant ideas?"

Elliot thought about it, tearing his eyes away from him. One thing he did know about was church. He was still surprised that she got to go. "Have a party after with dog bone cookies and punch. Get a bucket for donations to the food bank, and have her walk around with it. Finish the food drive with a bang."

"Damn. You're good." Toby went back to his desk. "I gotta call Mabel."

Elliot went back to his coffee. The words washed over him, and he stared at the mural. Alex had never followed his dream. Caroline was still a hungry, little girl, wishing there was more food on the table. Devin, Gerald, and Bradley had gone into solid careers, but he saw glimpses of unhappiness in their eyes. The only reason Elliot became a cop was because his old man had gotten him on the force. He'd wanted to go to college and become a teacher. No chance of that then or now.

"Did Alex paint Le Monde?" Elliot waited until Toby was off the phone.

Toby hesitated and frowned. "Well, Rick said that Alex said he couldn't take the time, and he was sorry. I think that's where it ended."

Elliot was going to have to call his dumb brother. "What does your dog have on your schedule today?"

"Today is bath day." Toby smiled when she slunk to the corner. "We go to Pets R Us. She gets a b-a-t-h." She whined. "And then I let her pick out a treat."

Elliot thought he saw her sigh, and it worried him that she could spell. "She sorta scares me."

"Me too." Toby smiled, but it was too big. "Did I thank you for her yet?"

"Not really," Elliot grumbled. He should be thanked. "She's like a wife."

Toby laughed long and hard. He finally had to wipe his eyes. "Yep. I'm still not getting laid and look at all the effort I put it into the relationship."

Elliot admitted it was funny and smiled.

*********

Toby felt as if he were walking on sunshine. Elliot wasn't leaving and he'd smiled. It was enough to make Toby's blood run faster and his heart sing, but he was desperately trying to act as if it were no big deal.

"You sure you don't mind taking us?" Toby glanced in the back seat.

Elliot kept on driving. That was a good enough answer. When he stopped, Toby opened up the back door, and she didn't get out. "You'll get a treat."

She pouted. Elliot was laughing his ass off. Toby snapped his fingers. "Now, sweet girl." She got out then, but she walked behind him into the store. Other days, she led the way. They went to the back, and he practically had to push her the last few feet.

"Oh, good! You're here!"

Toby turned and pointed at her. "You will behave. No shaking."

"She's always good." The lady smiled. "Here's her muzzle."

Toby didn't take it. That wasn't happening. "Not ever. Where's Claire? She's our usual girl."

The lady turned off the nice. "She's on break."

"We'll wait." Toby saw the look on Elliot's face. "She hates it." Elliot wandered off into the store, and Toby found a seat. She sat near him and shivered. "Oh, you big baby."

Claire finally showed up. "Toby! Good to see you two. I can see she's her usual enthusiastic self."

"She's excited to be here." Toby took her back to the tub and watched Claire get her situated. Claire was nice, and his girl liked her, but it was still a bath. Toby waited until he was sure it would be fine and then he went out to track down Elliot. Elliot was standing in front of a cage full of kittens. Toby smiled and wanted to kiss him until the sun went down.

"You've fallen hard for that dog."

Toby swallowed his spit and hoped his dick would go down. "I guess I needed someone in my life. Poor thing was sucked up by my neediness."

"She doesn't seem to mind." Elliot stroked a small tail that had wiggled out. "Are you really so lonely?"

"No," Toby lied his best. "Most days, I feel lucky." He had to look away, and he found some dog treats to stare at instead of Elliot's fingers. "Thanks for the dog, even though I had to buy her."

"I hoped you'd like her. She jumped right in the car like she knew where we were going." Elliot turned, and he smiled a little. "A wife and kids next?"

Toby licked his very dry lips. "No. She'd be terribly jealous, and I have kids. Someday, maybe, I'll see them again."

Elliot shrugged and nodded. "What's next on her schedule?"

"Lunch at Le Monde. She gets a special treat. Rick's crazy about her." Toby didn't think Elliot would be up for their next stop, but he wasn't protesting, not yet.

"Why?" Elliot was so damn curious, and he always asked the right question. Toby was going to let Rick tell the story. Rick loved telling the story. Toby checked his watch and gave up. Yes, he was already married... to a dog.

*********

Elliot listened to her crunch her treat in the back seat as he drove to Le Monde. It was a little early for lunch, but they hadn't had breakfast, and places like that were never fast. With a start, he realized that he'd made up his mind that he was going inside. If he were seen, well, he didn't really care. It was lunch, not a debauched orgy in a back room.

"Does she always get the same thing?" Elliot had to say something. The dog was a safe topic.

Toby checked her. "No. She's picky. I guess the ones with frosting looked good today."

"Am I dressed nice enough?" Elliot fought back a blush. He shouldn't have asked.

"It's lunch, so yeah. If Brian shows up, he'll yell at me for the wife beater." Toby looked half-embarrassed.

Elliot parked and looked in his back seat for crumbs. There weren't any. She licked her paws. He got out and waited for them. The maitre'd didn't say a word, and they went to the bar. She curled up under Toby's barstool.

"Hey, Elliot!" Rick smiled and stuck out his hand. Elliot shook it firmly. He tried to think of something to say, but he didn't seem to have many words today. Rick tugged Toby's hair after a long reach. "Mabel is going to be after you."

"She already is." Toby brushed his hair back with his fingers. "We want food. We're hungry. Dog is too."

Rick rolled his eyes. "And it's affected your vocabulary. Go find a table. I'll go see what's good. She gets her usual?"

Toby nodded, and Elliot followed him to a table near the back. "Is this place open?"

"Sorta. Friends only for lunch, but that can be a lot of people. Today seems quiet." Toby sat down, and Elliot sat across from him. "Lunch prices are even reasonable. You could bring Fin some time."

"I'm not Rick's friend," Elliot said. He didn't think they were. He'd almost slapped those fingers away from Toby's face.

Toby took a drink from Rick's hand. "Rick, are you Elliot's friend?"

"Well, I thought so. Sure, he's a cop, but his brother is eye candy and that counts for a lot. His sister is nice too. Did she get married to that handsome lawyer I was hoping to date?" Rick was all over the place with his comments.

Elliot answered the question, ignored the rest, and still wasn't sure they were friends. "Long engagement, but they're living together."

Toby smiled. "Good for my bank balance. What're we having?"

"Don't know yet. My chef is bitching and moaning." Rick looked disgusted. "What to drink, El?"

"Long neck domestic, if you got it." Elliot didn't think one would kill him. Rick got it quickly and sat down with them. Elliot had a question of his own. "Why do you like the dog so much?"

Rick smiled at Toby, and Elliot wasn't sure he liked it.

"Let me tell the story. Lunch crowd is always thin, unless it isn't, and one day about three weeks ago, it was just me, Toby, and the big girl. She was asleep, as usual."

Elliot sipped his beer. He could tell Rick wanted him to ask a question. "Where?"

"At the bar. So then, this guy comes running in here, knocks out poor Stan at the door, and starts waving this huge knife around like he's nuts. He yells at the top of his lungs, 'Give me the money from the register!'"

Elliot wasn't sure he believed all of this. "I hope you did."

"I was going to, believe you me! The guy was right over there! So Toby put his hands up and tries to get off his stool. I started to babble something, and the guy gets right in Toby's face with the knife and yells, 'Hand it over or I'll cut him to shreds!'"

"Oh, shit," Elliot whispered. He'd never thought that would happen. "How many stitches did he need?" he asked in a stronger voice.

Toby reached and patted her on the head. Rick took Toby's drink and sipped it. Elliot thought that was way too familiar. Sure, he stole Toby's coffee occasionally, but he didn't give it back.

Rick continued, "She erupted out from under that chair like a volcano, all snarls and teeth! He was so scared that he dropped the knife and fell on his ass. Toby kicked the knife away, I called the police, and she growled in the guy's face for the next thirty minutes. No harm done. Well, there was a wet spot on the carpet, but it came right out."

Elliot chuckled. He was surprised that she hadn't ripped him up. "You didn't tell her to attack?"

"Didn't think of it. I did put her on alert afterwards, but she was already there. The cops took down her badge number, hauled him off, and I came out from under the table." Toby looked slightly embarrassed.

Rick laughed now. "She got a citation!"

Toby blushed, and Elliot knew it was true. "I miss all the good stuff."

"She earned her burgers that day." Rick got back up. "I gotta go deal with the chef."

Elliot tapped Toby on the hand. "Were you scared?"

"I was scared they'd shoot her or take her from me. Luckily, she had her badge on that day." Toby sipped his drink. "I don't think I could ever order her to attack."

"She's been trained to subdue, not shred, but I see your point." Elliot was relieved things had worked out well. "Any incidences since then?"

"Hell, no." Toby leaned close. "I did hear a rumor that Rick has a huge guard dog that sleeps under the cash register."

Elliot chuckled at that, but it was a good thing if it kept the criminals away. He took a drink of his beer and thought about what Rick had said. They were friends. It was an interesting idea.

**********

Toby watched Elliot think. The cop seemed to be full of questions and contemplation today. There was no telling what was going on in his brain. Elliot was canny, smart in a different way than most people. His mind looked for the loops and holes in every situation.

His dog suddenly got up and nudged him. Toby stood. "Be right back." He took her through the kitchen and out to the alley. She left her mark on a trash can. They went back inside, and Toby stopped to listen to the chef and Rick fight it out.

"It is a mutt!"

Toby went closer until he was obvious and told his girl to sit. "Is there a problem with my dog?"

Rick groaned and glared with his hands on his hips. "This is Carlos, my newest chef, one of four, and very expendable. He says he doesn't cook for dogs."

Toby looked Carlos in the eye. "She's a police dog. She's smarter than Rick. What's the problem?"

Carlos lifted his lip. "Filthy animal."

"Rick, it's okay. She had a treat at the store. Elliot and I, however, are hungry!" Toby didn't have the strength to be offended. He didn't like dogs either. She was different, but he understood the sentiment.

Rick look at him, frowned, and then whipped back to the chef. Toby had seen it before and gave up. "Come on, girl. Rick is going to fire him, and I can't bear to watch." He went back out to the table. Elliot looked at him, probably wanting food. "The chef refuses to serve Miss Police Dog of the Year, and he's being fired as we speak. It'll be a minute."

"Ah, well." Elliot lowered his voice. "Rick is a hard ass, huh?"

"He's the owner. He expects to be obeyed." Toby shrugged. He'd tried. "These chefs think they're somebody because they make a nice flambé, but Rick is the guy on the throne. Running a restaurant like this in Manhattan is killer."

Elliot nodded at that. "Is he the sole owner?"

"He could have a dozen investors for all I know." Toby didn't want to know. It wasn't any of his business. He was just glad they were friends.

"Elliot! Toby!" Brian always entered in a big way. "Damn it! I told you not to wear those in public!"

"Sorry," Toby whispered. He got up and pulled Brian aside. "Rick is firing a chef. Go help, okay? I'm starved, and Elliot is actually growling."

"Jesus Christ on a pony! Again?" Brian marched off. Toby saw Elliot smothering laughter. They laughed together for a moment. Elliot drank some beer and his eyes sparkled. Toby wanted to drag him under the table, push the dog out of the way, and have some fun. Brian came out five minutes later with her meal and set it down on the floor. She looked at Toby, and he nodded.

Elliot looked down. "Double cheeseburger, hold the cheese and the bun, but ketchup?"

"Exactly." Toby watched her wolf it down. "Her favorite. She loves this place." He didn't feel guilty. She only got it on bath day, and that was once a month. "Did he fire him?"

"I did." Brian sighed dramatically. "Rick never should have hired him. In his last job, he had four cases of food poisoning. He's washed up."

"Oh, shit." Toby was glad they hadn't eaten yet. "Where's your husband?"

Brian shrugged off his coat. "Getting his hair and his nails done. He is very gay."

"Yep." Toby looked at his nails. They were fine. "Are you making a donation to the food drive? One can gets a name for Dog in the jar. She'll pick one out at the end of the drive."

"Really?" Brian frowned. "I have an entire flat of green beans. I bet Rusty can help me come up with names."

Elliot coughed. "Poor dog."

Toby grinned. He thought the same thing, but he'd whore out his dog for food. She understood. Food was her favorite thing. Rick finally came out with burgers and fries. He sat down with his own plate, and he didn't look happy.

"I hate this damn business." Rick glared at them all. "Enjoy the fucking food. I'm shutting down tonight."

"Oh, shut up. You say that once a month." Brian ate a fry. "You'll find someone else."

Toby had an idea. "Ramon wants to be a chef, and he's young and malleable. Teach him instead of going through the hiring process. It's lunch, right? Nothing too fancy?"

Rick perked up a little. "He does actually listen to me. I'll consider it."

"He's adorable. Give him a chance." Brian looked at Elliot, and Toby cringed. He knew that look. Brian wanted answers. This might get ugly fast. Brian pointed with a French fry. "Elliot, did you ever make up your mind?"

"What about?" Elliot asked innocently.

Toby tried to slide under the table. Brian would not be stopped. "If you're going to like Toby or not, silly."

Elliot's jaw clenched. "Not sure it's any of your business."

"Well, it is if you're planning on shooting him again." Brian ate another fry. "Or turning a blind eye while he's tortured for no reason."

Toby groaned. That was far too much and pushing Elliot was never a good idea. "Uh, Brian. Shut up."

"You have an interesting argument." Elliot drank some beer. He didn't look mad, but he was good at hiding it. "Yes, I am going to like Toby. Happy?"

Toby liked the sound of that. He was happy, and he wanted to dance around the table. God, he was a moron.

"Hardly, but it's a start." Brian was being killed later, and Toby was going to savor every moment of it. He kicked him under the table and enjoyed the wince. This conversation needed to stop now while he was ahead, and Elliot hadn't changed his mind.

Elliot had finished his burger in record time. "The basic problem is this: he's a skel, and I'm a cop. There are certain expectations. Every time, and I mean every time, there is a problem within a three block radius of his apartment, there will be cops at his door. Everyone knows the high rate of recidivism among ex-cons from maximum security prisons, especially those that do more than five. That, coupled with his drug use and alcoholism, makes him high risk to offend again. Murder, assault, and narcotics: he'll be looked at closely for all of those crimes."

Toby knew his face was white as a sheet. His friends also looked stunned. He'd known this was going to go south, and it sure as hell had.

"If I take the risk of being his friend, and he kills someone, I'll be blamed. That's the truth of it." Elliot just kept going, and every word hurt worse than a dog bite. "Now, I'm not a fair weather friend so this makes me hesitate. Can I trust him with my career? Do I know him well enough?"

"Do you?" Brian snapped.

Rick pushed away from the table. "My stomach hurts. I'll be in the back."

Toby felt like puking. For Elliot, it was all so clear. There were no pesky emotional issues, and no matter how much good Toby had done, the fact remained that he was a killer, and that was all that seemed to matter.

"You put the problem in clear, concise terms. Thank you for stating it so well. Now, let me explain my side of the matter. If I trust you one inch, will you use it against me the next time I'm looked at for a crime? Would you manipulate me in the interrogation room, using what you know against me? And can you be trusted with any of the truths that are ugly in my life, or will you get out those cuffs at the slightest provocation?"

"Good questions," Brian said.

"I may be an ex-con, but I'm also a guy that tries hard every day to do the right thing, and at the end of the day, when the cops bust down my door again, it won't matter for shit." He got to his feet. He couldn't eat now. "Come on, dog." He had to walk out. He had to get away from all that truth. He'd been stupid and idealistic, but Elliot had his feet planted firmly on the ground. He wasn't an idiot.

Toby had wanted to know what Elliot was thinking. What a colossal mistake. When he felt a hand on his shoulder, he turned angrily. "What?"

"Push all that aside, and I am your friend. Life's not simple, but I wish it was." Elliot had that frown on his face that Toby saw a lot. "I could have lied, but you needed to know why I've been acting like a damn yo-yo."

"I understand now." Toby wrapped his hand in his dog's collar. "You can't take that risk. Neither can I."

Elliot looked at the sidewalk and bit his lip. Toby walked until he found a cab. He had all the answers he needed. The rest of his life, he was going to be alone.

********

"Did you catch him?" Brian demanded.

"Yes. He left in a cab." Elliot got out his wallet. He shouldn't have come here. It had been a mistake to talk about it. Talking was always a mistake. If he'd have shut up, he'd still have a friend. "Rick! How much?"

Rick came out from the back. "No charge." He looked pissed. "Come back with Toby or not at all."

"Not a problem." Elliot put his wallet away after throwing down a twenty. He always paid his way, and he'd known they couldn't be friends.

Brian made a sound of disgust. "He's been doing very well. I hope this doesn't send him right back to drugs."

"If it does, then he's not the man you think he is." Elliot wasn't going to coddle them. "You two need to face the truth of what he was. It made him the man he is."

"I've had enough truth for one day. Get out." Rick went in the back.

"Thank God Rusty wasn't here. He'd be balling his eyes out." Brian still looked stunned.

Elliot left. He'd also had enough. The truth sucked, but it was the truth. Pretending it hadn't happened didn't make it go away. He did like Toby, and he did want another kiss, damn it, but that didn't change the facts. If Toby screwed up, Elliot's ass would be on the line, and the thought was usually enough to keep him away.

*********

Toby turned off his phone. One hysterical phone call from Rusty or Brian would send him over the edge. She put her paw on his knee, but he waited until they were out of the cab before talking it over with her.

"He's right. That's the problem, as he so eloquently put it. If I screw up, even on accident, it could ruin him. I don't want that!" He walked passed their apartment. Going up wasn't an option yet. She didn't seem to care. He shoved his hair back and kept walking. "He put his ass on the line for me, maybe more than once. We can't be friends or lovers or anything. Prison will always stand right between us."

"Who are you talking to?"

"My dog." Toby didn't even glance at the stranger. They crossed with the light. "We don't live in a perfect world. Maybe in ten or fifteen years when he retires, we can talk again. Shit, dog, I was happy for like four hours. That's all I get!"

She stopped and peed. He waited, and they were in front of the church. He used his key and spent some time organizing the food in the pantry. The church was so quiet it was almost creepy. She kept watch over the dog food again, and he was so glad she was with him.

"I was stupid. He wasn't. Of course, he can't trust me. I don't trust me!"

"She won't answer, you know."

Toby nearly screamed. He put the box down and breathed hard. "Excuse me while I die of a heart attack."

Deakins found a spot to sit. "Catch your breath. I did knock, but you were busy talking. Does it help to talk to her?"

"Yes. She doesn't try to tell me the answer. Nothing irritates me more than people assuming they know what's best for me." Toby went back to work but slower this time. He took another deep breath.

"Only you know what's in your heart. Trusting someone else with that is the most difficult thing we do." Deakins patted her on the head. "Did you know dog spelled backwards is God?"

Toby sat down and laughed.

"The Lord is my Shepherd, my German Shepherd," Deakins said solemnly.

"Mabel would smack you." Toby laughed some more. He felt as if he might crack in half, but he was hanging in there. "But Dog is a good listener, most people aren't."

"I'll listen." Deakin kept his eyes on the dog. "What were you two discussing?"

Taking a deep breath, Toby decided to tell him. "Elliot explained to me earlier today in very concise terms why we will never be friends. It felt pretty shitty."

"I imagine." Deakins began to twist the golden ring with the inset black stone on his finger. "Did you explain to him that you don't need a friend who can't take a leap of faith?"

Toby leaned back on his arms and let the shock from the words work its way through him. "No. I wish I had. With me, it's the damn truth."

"With us all, Toby." Deakins smiled. "Each of us can be pushed to make the gravest of errors. Any friend today could become a killer tomorrow. We are all human and flawed. If you become his friend, he may take his gun and kill you and your dog for no reason. Or he could shoot everyone in his office and leave a note blaming you. There are no absolutes in this life. We can only jump and pray for a good landing."

"I should be writing this down." Toby knew again why his father had been friends with this man. He had a clarity about him that was rare and precious. "I can't hurt him."

"And so you are worthy of a leap." Deakins got to his feet. "Elliot is a very intelligent man. He'll figure this out. Give him time."

Toby didn't think it would make a difference, but he had time. It wasn't as if he were doing anything but handing out canned corn. "Thanks."

Deakins smiled and was gone back upstairs. Toby sighed. "I didn't have the heart to tell him that you're a Belgian Malinois. Forgive me?"

She surged up and licked his face. He hugged her tight and let some of the pain fall away.

*********

Elliot drove out to his brother's place instead of chasing after Toby or going to work. Alex was behind the counter, doing something that involved a computer and a frown.

"Hey, Al."

"El, are you lost?"

"Pretty much." Elliot nearly laughed at how perceptive that question was. Of all his brothers and sisters, he was the closest to Alex - they were only eleven months apart. "Wife around?"

Alex shook his head. "She got mad and went home. Said I was screwing it up again."

"Are you?" Elliot walked around the counter and looked at the computer screen. "From the looks of things, she may be right."

"My company, damn it." Alex looked very stubborn.

Elliot tugged him up. "Let's take a walk. You need a break."

"Shit." Alex went with him though, and they stood outside in the chilly air, staring at a backhoe. Elliot wasn't sure how to start talking about the problem. Alex stuffed his hands in his coat pockets. "This time of year is slow. I always worry."

"I know." Elliot put his arm around him. "Why didn't you take the painting job? It had to be a lot of money."

"It was." Alex looked down and scuffed the ground. "I might've screwed it up."

Elliot doubted it. "Toby's place is great. You're very talented. And you know as well as I do that one job like Le Monde could lead to ten more."

Alex chewed his lower lip. "Dad said it was for fools."

"Dad was a fool." Elliot kicked the tire. "Did Toby pay you well?"

"He did. I felt bad about it." Alex sighed and took his turn at the tire. "I don't know what to do."

Elliot pushed the flat of his hand against Alex's forehead. "Let your wife run this place and go try. Try! If you fail, well, come back here and sulk, but don't quit because our old man was an asshole!"

Alex glared. "It ain't that easy."

"Don't I know that?" Elliot knew it too well. "He told me I'd never make detective. I hope he's rolling over in his grave now that I've made first class."

"Me too." Alex smacked the back of Elliot's head. "You're the smart one."

"You're the artistic one. So get out there and paint!" Elliot rubbed his forehead. "And don't mention my name to Rick. He doesn't like me."

Alex chuckled. "I'm sure you pissed him off telling him something he really didn't want to know."

"That would be it." Elliot went back inside with his brother right behind him. "It's all Toby's fault."

"Tobe?" Alex shook his head. "Now there's a guy that's easy to like. He's tough, and funny, and listens when a person talks."

Elliot had no trouble glaring at him. "Find a room, for God's sake!"

"Just saying that he's willing to help a man, and there aren't many like that." Alex went back to his computer and groaned. "I'm screwing it up. I better call Judy and apologize."

"You better." Elliot leaned against the counter. "Toby is still an ex-con, and I can't take a chance on him."

Alex suddenly laughed. "El, you say that, but you don't believe it. I've seen you bend your head to catch his slightest word. For some reason, you've made up your mind that he's your friend. Deny it all you want, but it's a damn lie."

Elliot shook his head. "I don't ever see him!"

"And when you do, it's like no time passed, and you pick right up where you were, and you know, in your heart, that he's not going to do anything to hurt you. You're friends." Alex picked up some papers and stared at the graphs, perhaps he didn't know the impact of his casual words. "Maybe you're not the smart one."

"Maybe not. I'll be the handsome one, okay?" Elliot felt as if Alex had hit him with a tire iron. All of that was true. He'd made up his mind. The only question left was whether or not he was a coward.

********

"Take it," Toby whispered. He took several steps with her right with him. "Give it." They worked their way down the center aisle, and he tried hard not to blush at the titters and the wows. She did a great job. Once or twice more, and she wouldn't need his help. She put the collection plate on the altar like the other ushers and then looked at him. They walked out down the main aisle and he found her a dog treat. She'd earned it, and she ate it in one bite.

"Good job, Toby and, um, Dog." Ralph smiled. Toby gave her pat and they went to sit in the back. She'd given her pitch for the food drive earlier by sitting near Deakins and looking pretty, and it was going great. They'd collected more food than ever, and Mabel's only worry was how they'd top it next year. The party was organized, the prizes were bought, and next week, they'd wrap it up right after church. He sighed and let the rhythm of the ceremony roll over him. Knowing what would come next was comforting, and he said the words without thinking. When it was over, they filed out, and Dog shook hands with Deakins at the door. Everyone laughed.

Mabel had worried for weeks that people would start bringing their dogs to church, but no one had. Toby shook Deakins' hand, made a promise to see him tomorrow early, and they were out. It was chilly, and they walked quickly. She stopped to pee on her usual tree, and he stopped dead on the sidewalk when he saw him. Determined not to act as if he cared one way or the other, he got out his keys, opened the door, and asked, "Are you coming up?"

Elliot nodded, and they all trooped up the stairs. She drank her bowl dry, Toby filled it up again, and she went to lie down.

"Got a name yet?" Elliot's voice was casual, almost as if he were determined to talk about nothing that mattered.

"Next Sunday." Toby took off his tie. He went to the armoire and hung up his coat. If Elliot wanted to act as if nothing had happened, that was fine. Toby changed clothes, knowing that Elliot wouldn't watch, and when he turned, it was the truth. Elliot was looking at the dog. She was looking at Toby. He knew why. She wanted to go to the park.

"Not working today?" Toby had noticed the black jeans and sweatshirt, but it didn't always mean anything, except that Elliot looked drop dead sexy.

Elliot kept his eyes on the dog. "Nope. There's a dog park over in Queens. Want to go?"

Toby saw her react to the word, but she was out of luck. "No. She's in heat. I'm dithering over whether or not to get her fixed."

"Tell me the Chihuahua won't be the father." Elliot suddenly grinned, all teeth.

"He died, and she didn't eat him." Toby had felt sorry for them. The dumb thing had run in front of a car. "I've learned more about the dog reproduction system in the last week than I ever wanted to know."

"Most people don't realize it until their dog is being familiar with another dog." Elliot was moving to his chair, making himself at home.

Toby wanted to strangle him, kiss him, and then beat on him some more for showing up and doing this when it was obvious that they couldn't be friends. He took a second to remember what they were talking about. Oh, yes, the dog.

"She bled a little, down there. I panicked. The vet thought I was a moron, and I nearly had a panic attack in the office. There were dogs in there!"

"Toby, um," Elliot stopped. He rubbed his face. "I have to laugh. Sorry."

Toby threw her rope at him. She collected it after it bounced off Elliot and went to lie down. Elliot laughed and rubbed his shoulder. Toby sat on the sofa and tried not to smile. It did sound ridiculous, but at the time, he'd wanted to pass out. "Damn dog phobia, anyway."

"Toby! She's a dog!"

Toby put his hands over his ears. "I can't hear you." He knew she was a dog, but she wasn't. "Did you come here to laugh at me?"

"No, but it worked out pretty well." Elliot got up. "Lunch?"

Toby didn't mind the idea. "Not Mo's." He was never eating there again. The burgers weren't good enough to make up for the feeling that he was getting Elliot in trouble. "There's a lunch buffet at this restaurant not far from here. Deakins took me there once."

"Good enough."

"You want to go?" She always knew when he was talking to her. She got up with her rope, ever the optimist. Her eyes were begging. "Put the rope in your bed."

She put the rope away, looking glum, and met him at the door. Elliot made a funny noise. "I think she's gone beyond her training at this point."

Toby didn't know. He thought she was pretty damn smart, but he loved her. She had her badge on already, and they went to the restaurant. The manager gave Toby that look, and Elliot flashed his badge too.

"Police dog," Elliot said.

"I could have told him," Toby growled. "She's my dog."

Elliot didn't answer until they had gotten their plates of food and were eating. The waitress brought them coffee and asked, "Does it bite?"

"Not any more than your average cop." Toby smiled at Elliot.

Elliot wiped his mouth. "You probably shouldn't bring her in these places."

"She's clean and well-behaved." Toby wasn't going to listen to that. There was this whole friend thing that they needed to talk about, but he was going to broach the subject gently. "How's the cop business?"

"About the same." Elliot shrugged. "Have you spoken to Rick lately?"

"Not since yesterday." Toby knew what Elliot was getting at now. "Alex starts painting tomorrow. He's going to work from the middle of the night until the afternoon so they can stay open. It's going to be a huge mess. I'm staying out of it."

Elliot nodded. "Good. That means I won't have to go talk to him about it again."

Toby digested that. He'd wondered what had changed Alex's mind. They ate after that, and he got her a piece of turkey. She took it gently and swallowed it whole.

"Spoiling her," Elliot mumbled.

Toby wasn't going to discuss it. He'd spoken to the vet about her weight. If anything, she was a little thin. The vet had changed her dog food, explained about protein values, and told him exactly how much to give her each day. He'd felt like an idiot. He wasn't smart enough to own a dog, but Elliot didn't need to know any of that.

"Puppies in her future?"

"Not right now." Toby quivered at the thought. He'd be a wreck. "She's not even two yet."

Elliot went back for more, and Toby wasn't sure he could eat another bite. Sitting here and pretending made him slightly nauseous, but the only other alternative was never seeing him again, and that made Toby's stomach hurt even worse. He sighed and she did too.

"You want to come over for Thanksgiving?" Elliot asked as he sat down.

Toby was afraid his mouth had fallen open. He clenched his jaw to make sure it hadn't. "Your place?"

"It's at Caroline's this year." Elliot waved his hand a little. "Of course, if you have plans with Brian and Rusty, don't worry about it."

"They're going to California on vacation." Toby pushed his plate away and resisted the urge to rub his ears vigorously. Had he heard that right? "Did you ask her?"

"No, but it's not like anyone will care in all the confusion." Elliot made it sound like no big deal, and Toby couldn't decide whether to be insulted or not. Elliot continued, "It's my turn to have the kids. She's planning on four turkeys, maybe five."

"Four?" Toby blinked. He upped the size of Elliot's family again. "Can I bring my girl?"

"Yes," Elliot said with exaggerated patience. "Steven's parents are coming also, but I guess he's an only child."

Toby had known that. "Well, yes, I'd like that, and thanks. I've been living in fear that Mabel had plans for me."

"She probably does." Elliot pushed his plate away. "Ready?"

"Yeah." Toby let him get the ticket, but he got the tip. She cast one long look at the buffet, and Toby put his hand on her collar. "You can splurge on Thanksgiving."

Elliot looked at Toby as if he were nuts. Toby shrugged. He probably was, talking to a dog all the time, but it was better than the quiet.

********

Elliot wasn't sure what to do now. He'd invited him. That part was over. Spending the rest of the day hanging out seemed pushy, and Toby might have plans.

"Monday is a big day at the food bank," Toby said, maybe to fill the silence. "The truck is going to be bulging. Caroline might actually have to charge me gasoline."

Elliot tried to think of something to say. His tongue was in knots. "What besides turkey?"

"Cranberries and milk and bags of potatoes. Caroline got me a sweet deal." Toby seemed almost shy, talking about it. "I told Mabel that people are going to need grocery carts, but she just glared."

"Sounds like her." Elliot wanted to smile, but his lips felt frozen. He made sure not to run off the road. "No dog treats?"

"Dog isn't in charge of the food bank, but she was eying the paperwork the other day, so nothing will surprise me." Toby smiled and glanced in the back seat. "We aren't open on Friday so that'll give us a chance to recover."

"And then the dog party on Sunday." Elliot looked at her, stretched out in the back seat. "Check the names lately?"

"Too scared." Toby had his hands on his knees and he seemed to be clenching them. Elliot wasn't going to ask why. He parked and had no idea whether or not to get out. Toby glanced at him and then away. "I have some calls to make. Last minute details to arrange."

Elliot was glad the decision hadn't been his. "I'm sure it'll be a success."

"Thanks for lunch." Toby eased open his door. "Later."

"I'll call you with details about Thursday." Elliot heaved out a huge breath of air when they were out on the sidewalk. He felt like a fool. Why was this so hard? He had a ton of friends. Of course, none of them made the spit stick in his mouth, and none of them made him want to shove the dog off the bed. Wanting to bang his head into the steering wheel, he went home. That had gone well, and he wasn't such a coward after all. His dad could kiss his ass.

*********

"He came over!" Rusty put his hand on his heart.

Toby shouldn't have mentioned it. "We went to lunch. You know he doesn't like me."

Brian laughed. "Right. He shows up every time he has the day off, he gets you a dog, and he invites you to Thanksgiving. I don't care what he says. He likes you."

Rusty nodded, shuffling through a pile of dress shirts. "You should never wear stripes. Try the green."

Toby kept flipping through the rack. He wanted a new shirt for Thanksgiving, but he didn't want to look out of place. Rusty pulled one out but shook his head and put it back. Toby sighed. "It'd be easier to dress Dog."

"Jeans or slacks or a suit?" Rusty asked.

"Hell if I know. Steven will probably wear a suit, but he's a lawyer." Toby couldn't see Alex showing up in a suit. "I just don't get Elliot. He practically bawls me out at Le Monde and then shows up as if nothing happened."

Brian handed him a shirt. "This one. He explained what he was thinking, but he didn't look happy about it. Don't be so sensitive."

Toby about fell down laughing. He was sensitive? Rusty whapped him across the arm. "New jeans and that shirt, and a new belt."

Toby went to try everything on. He wasn't sure about this, but as long as his dog got turkey, how bad could it be? He saw the scars all over his body again and sighed. It could be pretty bad. When he came out, Rusty was putting something on her, but she didn't look mad about it.

"What the hell is that?" Toby didn't stop to look in the mirror.

Rusty looked up. "A bandanna with a turkey on it. Doesn't she look cute? We got one for Bow Wow, so I bought her one, in extra-large, of course. I'd almost forgotten, but you reminded me. I was sure you wouldn't mind."

"You dressing up my dog? Why would I?" Toby stared in disbelief. She sniffed it once and put her head down.

"Thank goodness. I thought you might yell." Rusty smiled, and Toby rubbed his eyes at the convoluted thinking.

Brian nodded. "She looks great. Some dogs can wear fashion. Others can't."

"I think she's more used to a bullet proof vest." Toby gave in and went to look in the mirror. "I am such a geek."

"Don't wear the glasses." Rusty smiled brightly. He was in a good mood today. "You look fabulous. He'll want to eat you instead of the turkey."

Toby took off the shirt and threw it at Rusty. "Look at me. I'm ugly as road kill, which is what he said after he saw me with my shirt off." He turned and looked at his back. The claw marks had left a few scars. He noticed that Rusty and Brian were suddenly very quiet. "Thank God for pretty clothes."

They laughed, but it was awkward, and he went to get dressed. He'd buy what they said and wear it, but he was still ugly underneath and on the inside. Nothing could change that.

********

Elliot paced and refused to consider going over to Toby's place. He had the day off, but he had things to do. He was not going. "Shit," he said. He was a pansy, complete and total. His father had been right about that.

********

Toby turned to hand the turkey to Ralph, but Elliot took it from him. "The fuck?"

"Tobias!" Mabel yelled.

Elliot grinned, and Toby cringed. "See what you made me do?"

"Not my fault." Elliot put the turkey in the box. "Come on. Get busy."

"Wait. Where's my girl?" Toby had seen her out on the grass, but she was gone. "She never moves."

Elliot shrugged, and Toby got out of the truck. He moved fast, knowing that she wouldn't go far. "Shazam!" he yelled at the top of his lungs. There was a long pause, and then she came galloping around the side of the church with a big, black dog in hot pursuit. "Elliot!" Was the next word of Toby's mouth.

"She's in heat!" Elliot sounded disgusted. "Take her inside. I'll run interference!"

Toby grabbed her by the collar and ran. Elliot was as good as his word, and the black dog whined and cried. Toby shut the door and rounded on her."You little slut! He's not even your breed!"

She wagged her tail. Toby glared, and she ducked her head. "Did he nail you?" She didn't say. He checked her for something, anything, and she nudged him, whining. "No, you may not have puppies." He took her to the pantry and pointed. "Lie down and stay. Stay. Stay!"

She practically froze, and he ran back to the turkeys. The black dog was right by the door, and Toby bolted to the truck. "Help," he whispered.

Elliot turned and grabbed him. "You okay?"

"Big dog!" Toby hid his face in Elliot's shoulder for one minute and then he realized that Mabel was staring at him. He pushed away, grabbed a turkey, and made Elliot get out of the truck again. Elliot looked stunned.

"You okay?" Mabel touched him on the arm.

Toby nodded, but he wasn't. He wasn't even breathing. That dog had been near his girl! "Dumb dog."

"They didn't, or they'd still be locked together." Elliot hefted the box. "Where?"

"Take it inside. You'll see the setup." Toby got another box and started loading it, trying desperately not to think of that asshole dog hooked to his girl. The cranberries had been easy, but the potatoes and the turkeys were bulky. He forced himself to focus on that.

"You two can handle this. I'll go to the other end." Mabel spryly jumped from the truck. "Get out of here!" she yelled at the dog. Toby took a minute and tried to breathe. Thank God that Elliot was here.

"Got another one?" Elliot was back.

Toby handed him a full box and forced himself to work. He would not think about dogs. When all the boxes were loaded, he got out to help, but the dog was still there. Elliot shook his head. "I'm not shooting him. Ignore him. Take the stuff inside."

"Fuck!" Toby grabbed a box and tried not to run. When the dog barked, he nearly passed out, but he made it inside. Going back out was almost impossible. Elliot went with him and that made it easier. They hauled the boxes together, and Toby kept Elliot on the side of the dog. Stupid mutt.

When the turkeys were inside, they started on the potatoes, and he simply loaded Elliot up, grabbed a bunch himself, and prayed the dog was gone. No such fucking luck.

"Almost done. Hang on." Elliot was able to carry a lot of potatoes, thank God, and it wasn't long before the truck was empty. Toby shut the door in the dog's face, dropped off his load, and went to the pantry. He collapsed on the floor and put his head on his knees, trying to breathe. She put her head on his foot.

"Come here, baby." He held her tight and panted into her fur. "Wasn't your fault. He took advantage of you."

She licked him. He took that as an apology. "Give me one minute and then we'll go work. It's a big day here."

"Got it together? Mabel is freaking out." Elliot came inside and shut the door.

Toby got up and brushed off his jeans. "You have got to think I'm a loser."

"Go wash your hands." Elliot left the door open. Toby ran to wash up and then did everything Mabel said in double time. Luckily, Dog was willing to watch the dog food, and Elliot was here to help. When the doors opened, it was close, very, and he'd never seen so many people. No wonder Mabel was a wreck. Instead of bags, everyone got a box, and Elliot was in charge of the turkeys.

Toby did two tables at once and kept an eye on her. She was being very good, but he was afraid she'd disappear again. At some point, after checking her ten times, he realized he was neurotic. He leaned over and whispered to Elliot, "I need shrunk."

"Ya think?" Elliot rolled his eyes and put out more turkeys.

"Is it going well?" Deakins came up behind him and asked.

Toby looked at Mabel. "I think so. Did you prop the doors open?"

"Sure did." Deakins smiled. "Not the outer door. There were at least four dogs out there."

"Ah, shit." Toby groaned. "She's in heat," he whispered.

Deakins stared from him to her. "You may not get out of here alive."

"Thanks." Toby had to lean over and breathe. "I'm going to pass out. Tell me they were small dogs."

"Lying is a sin." Deakins frowned and went to talk to Mabel.

Elliot tapped him on the back. "We'll use my car and drive fast. Don't worry."

Toby wanted to scream. He went to get an ice cream instead. Putting it on his forehead, he made sure all the kids had one and walked all the way around the hall. People were smiling and piling the food in the boxes, and he tried to make the muscles in his back relax. Everything was fine.

"Best year yet," Mabel said and handed him coffee. He took a big drink, and she asked with a serious face. "Did you know she was a dog?"

Toby glared at her. "She's not, and we're not discussing my psychosis."

Mabel pointed at Elliot, still handing out turkeys. "Good thing he showed up."

"Lucky for you." Toby smiled at her confusion. "If he hadn't, I'd have died from fright, and you'd have had to unload all those turkeys."

"Toby, you should have some faith in yourself. You're stronger than you think." Mabel looked around the room. "What are you doing for Thanksgiving?"

Toby glanced at Elliot. "Elliot invited me to his sister's house. Caroline is having a big thing."

"Good. I was worried." Mabel suddenly hurried off to avert a canned fruit disaster, and Toby took his coffee back to his table. The black-eyed peas were selling themselves. He wasn't ever being sucked in to taking those off Caroline's hands again.

Deakins was back. "We're down to two dogs."

"Thank God, and I mean that." Toby prayed they'd be run over before he had to leave. "She's fine."

"We were all worried," Elliot said.

Toby didn't appreciate the sarcasm. He whispered, "I will kick you."

"Proved that earlier." Elliot looked under the table. "Did you tell her to stay?"

Toby turned and slapped his forehead. "That bitch!"

Elliot slapped him across the back of the head. "You go up. I'll go out the back."

Toby ran towards the front door. He went up, rounded the corner, and saw her sitting by the front door, looking sweet.

"You want to go out?" Some lady asked her.

"No!" Toby snapped his fingers. His dog ignored him.

The lady frowned, and Toby saw her reach for the door. He put on a burst of speed and managed to get her collar. She whined, and the lady was gone.

Bark! Bark! Bark!

Toby scrambled back away, dragging her with him. She cried and whined, and he pulled her into the closest room. He slammed the door; his panic choking him. She pushed against him, and he held on to her. It made no sense, but she was safe. When the licking got to him, he managed to stand. The fear was as bad as ever, and he took a breath that shuddered up from his feet. Dogs were after his girl, and in a blink, the fear became anger. Real anger, the kind that he'd tasted before and killed people with, and he stood straight. They were dogs. Dogs. Not Nazis or CO's with nightsticks, or huge bikers with hard-ons, or even cops with a grudge. He wasn't afraid. He was angry, and they could kiss his ass.

"Sit!" She did so quickly, and he gave her a look that she had no trouble understanding. "Stay with me. Heel!"

She whined, but she did it, and he took her back downstairs. Elliot was coming up. "Glad you found her. Well, unless you want ten puppies."

"Not this year." Toby went with him back down to the hall. "Not much longer. You out of turkeys?"

"Just about." Elliot clapped him on the shoulder. "You helped a lot of people. Good job."

"Thanks." Toby took the praise and tucked it away to enjoy later. It had been a lot of work. "I have something for the volunteers."

"Puppy coupons?" Elliot smiled and went back to his table to give out the last of the turkeys. Toby laughed and went to find his coat. He found the gift cards and patted her on the head. She looked sorta sad, but she was not getting laid today.

"Don't mess with me." Toby narrowed his eyes. "Heel."

She bumped him with her head, and he dug out her bandanna. He put it on her and tucked the gift cards in the pocket that Rusty had sewn on it. It was cheesy. They'd love it. "No puppies. None."

Toby made sure she went back with him, and he took her to everyone, made her sit and let her give out the gift cards. About halfway around the tables, Mabel tapped him on the shoulder. "What are you doing?"

"Making sure our own people have enough for Thanksgiving." Toby handed her a gift card. "Go wild."

She looked at it for a long moment. "I'm a volunteer."

"And you worked hard. Enjoy this gift." Toby hugged her. "Come on, Dog, let's finish up." When they were done, it was time to clean up, and he made her stay while he broke down tables.

Elliot was a big help. The tables were put away quickly. He had a funny look on his face, and it wasn't long before he whispered, "That couldn't have been your idea."

Toby giggled. "Yeah. I'm not gay enough." He patted her head. "Good job." She let out a soft whine, begging for puppies, and he shook his head. "Not gonna happen."

It didn't take long, and the place was clean. Toby shook a lot of hands and thanked everyone for their hard work. Mabel was the last one, and she looked as if she had something to say.

"Nicely done." Mabel hugged him. "I always wondered what would happen when you showed up."

Toby stared for one second and then smiled. "You knew from the first."

"Non-profits are a matter of public record." She raised her eyebrows. "I'm proud of you. I think your mother would be also."

Toby refused to cry, but the fact that his mother had known Mabel made the world seem smaller, and he was comforted by that. "I could hope. Take the week off. I'll see you Sunday."

She nodded and went out the back. All that was left was Elliot, and he was staring at her. "She's smarter than you. I bet she gets her puppies."

"Don't think so." Toby stuck out his hand. He had to say thanks. "I would not have made it through this day without you."

"Glad to help. Good cause." Elliot looked around and then shook Toby's hand. "When's lunch?"

Toby smiled. "Come on. I'll buy." They went out the back door, and Toby kept his hand on her collar. "I'm digging out your leash later, you horny bitch."

A big mutt came running up, and Toby waited until the last moment and then kicked it away. It ran off with a yelp, Elliot got the car door open fast, and they piled in.

"You're not scared?"

"Just a dog. What's another bite or two at this point?" Toby slid his hands through his hair, tasting only anger not fear. "I need a martini."

Elliot nodded. "Make mine a double. Where are going?"

"Rick is waiting." Toby had made a phone call in all the chaos and told him to expect Elliot as well.

"He still mad at me?" Elliot had those big, blue eyes going.

Toby managed to relax a little. Everything was fine, and his dog wasn't pregnant. "He's furious. I'm going to laugh and point while he yells at you."

"Funny," Elliot grumbled.

*********

Elliot expected to spend the day chasing his kids and occasionally chatting with Toby, but things never went as he planned. His kids had cousins that they'd rather talk to and they crossed his path only rarely. Toby, however, was there every time Elliot turned around, and he began to think it was planned. They talked, laughed, watched football, made fun of the women together, and even his sister commented on how nice it was that Elliot had a friend.

Steven wasn't any fun at all, but he was trying to impress everyone, and that never worked out well with a house full of Stablers. Elliot ended up outside, throwing the football to Dickie, and Toby was talking with Maureen about college. When Maureen went inside, Elliot moved closer to him.

"Keeping the dog on a leash now, huh?"

"Until this is over. She's like a magnet for every loose mutt in Manhattan." Toby patted her on the head. "Thanks for inviting us."

Elliot nodded and threw the ball. Toby watched for a few minutes and then went back in the house, and the football hit Elliot in the chest. "Dickie!"

"You weren't paying attention!" Dickie laughed at him. Elliot went to get it, and they went inside. Dickie wanted more pie, and Toby was talking intently with Caroline. Elliot heard enough to know that they were discussing business. He pulled off a piece of turkey and took it to the dog. She was a good girl.

Elliot knew he should go pester Alex, but he wanted to stand and watch for a moment. Watch him. Try to understand what was going on between them. Toby glanced over at him. Their eyes met, and Elliot felt a pull, and it scared him more than dogs had ever scared Toby.

"Hey, El, you were right about the painting thing." Alex slugged him in the arm.

Elliot hit him back. "Of course I was. It's going okay?"

"We'll see. I got my rhythm going." Alex lowered his voice. "Gave in, huh?"

"Yeah. I just--" Elliot had no words to describe it. He raised his hands and knew he looked helpless, and that was how he felt.

Alex put his arm around him. "Don't worry. It's not like anyone would ever think you were gay, and Toby's not going to mess up. He likes his dog too much."

Elliot nodded. "Not gay," he said, but it was weak.

"Not ever, even if you made out with a guy, and everyone saw it." Alex laughed as Elliot hit him again. "Seen Judy?"

"That way." Elliot pointed. He went around the table and to the bathroom. Leaning against the sink, he splashed some water on his face and looked at the man he'd become - a straight guy that wanted to find out what Toby's lips tasted like after Thanksgiving dinner. It was beginning to seem possible that his father had beaten him for a reason, trying to beat the gay out of him. Parents always knew, wasn't that what Olivia had said?

*********

Toby was surprised at how good a time he was having. He knew enough of them not to feel uncomfortable, and all the Stablers were nice. Steven had a stick up his ass at first, but Toby had pulled him aside and told him to take it out. Things had been better after that.

Elliot looked very handsome in a sweater and jeans. Toby wanted to lick pie off him, and it didn't help that he was there every moment of the day. Once or twice, Toby had wondered if it was a plot by someone to throw them together, but that wasn't possible.

"Can I give her a turkey leg?" Toby surveyed the devastated carcasses. Stablers, and there were a lot of them, knew how to eat.

Caroline smiled. "Of course. She's the best, and she organized a hell of a food drive."

"Oh, yeah. She's been busy." Toby eyed the turkeys and picked a likely victim. "I don't know what we'll do next year."

"Name the food drive after her, and let her sponsor it every year. She can work the crowd at church." Caroline clearly liked the idea. "And give out puppies."

"Not funny. Prizes, yes. Puppies, no." Toby ripped it off and put it on the floor in front of her. She seemed astonished for one second and then began some serious eating. He got his fingers out of the way, sitting down again. "If you'd consider marrying me, you'd get a good dog too."

Caroline threw back her head and laughed. "Marry me for my dog. I love it. Give yourself away at the next food drive."

Toby had to laugh with her, but she was still a smartass. "I could do that. I need a good home."

Steven called Caroline away, and Toby watched his dog eat, still laughing. Elliot came around the corner, stopped, and then sat down also. He looked almost pale, and Toby wasn't sure he wanted to know why. When Elliot got to thinking, it was usually bad for him.

"She's hungry." Toby had to say something. They talked about the dog when they didn't know what to say to each other.

"She looks starved." Elliot looked him full in the face. "You know why this is hard for me."

It seemed to Toby that all his blood rushed to his feet and stayed there. Those words could mean anything, and interpreting them correctly was crucial. His dog was crunching loudly, and he could hear a dripping faucet somewhere in the house. "Not because of me so much, but because of you."

Elliot looked away and chewed his lip. "My father used to beat me. I never understood why. Being with you has made me understand, and I don't like it."

"Ah, shit, El." Toby wanted to hug him, take away some of the hurt. "Maybe he was drunk and stupid, and it didn't have anything to do with you."

"I hope you're right, but I worry that you're not." Elliot swallowed hard, still not able to look at Toby.

Reaching, Toby touched him on the hand. "Let's be friends. See how it goes. I may not like you, and you don't have a lot of time to spare for anyone. Don't worry so much." He had to give him some time, some space.

Elliot got to his feet. "Thanks." He grabbed a soda from the fridge and was gone into the den.

Toby stared down at his dog, watching her devour the turkey with gusto. Crunching the bones seemed to make her very happy. Maybe, there was a tiny chance that he wasn't going to be alone after all. That, as the years passed, he would have a very good friend. Someone he could laugh at life with, and he knew better than anyone what that was worth.

*********

Elliot took his kids home. There wasn't room in the car for Toby and his dog, so he called a cab. It wasn't any big deal, except that Elliot wasn't quite finished. And then, Kathy wanted to talk, and by the time he got out of there, it was too late to drive back to Manhattan. He had work tomorrow.

His phone rang and he smiled when he saw who it was. "Yeah, what?"

Toby seemed to think that was funny. "Thanks again. I had a good day, and well, for me, it's been fifteen years."

Elliot hated that, and he had to find a way to talk around the ache. "Glad you went. Crazy family, huh?"

"If Steven doesn't run now, he really loves her." Toby laughed. "Dog is asleep. Too much turkey."

"Carrying all those puppies wears her out." Elliot was glad Toby couldn't see him smiling. "See ya later."

"Bye." Toby hung up, and Elliot was satisfied with that. It wasn't much, but it was better than nothing.

*********

Toby had Mabel manning the dry erase board, and he handed the first slip of paper to Deakins, trying desperately not to cringe.

Deakins smiled. "This is from Jessica, age nine, and the name is Buttercup!"

Everyone clapped, and Toby managed a smile as he gave her a flat screen DVD combo. Her father, big smile on his face, hauled it away and everyone laughed. Jessica was thrilled. Toby got his dog's attention again. "Get one. Get one."

She tilted her head and snuffled through the papers on the floor. Mabel had poured them out in a pile after giving up on the fish bowl idea. Toby took the slip, patted her on the head, and handed it to Deakins.

"This is from Terry, age four, and the name is Radar!"

Toby blinked. He liked that. She was spooky in that way. Terry got his bicycle and jumped for joy. Everyone in the church dissolved into laughter. Buttercup Radar brought him two slips the next time.

"Allen, age ten, and Clarice, age twelve. Princess and Siren!"

Only a little appalled, Toby handed out the prizes and had her get one more. She pushed the papers around and around, stalling, and took her own sweet time bringing one over. He did wonder if she'd learned to read.

"And the last name is from Elliot, no age." Toby's mouth dropped open, and he swore he saw the dog wink at him. "The name is Kassie, with a k!"

Toby knew that Elliot wasn't here. Elliot had had to work, and he had complained about it. No one came up. Deakins smiled. "We'll see that Elliot gets his prize. Thank you very much to all those who gave so generously. Princess Buttercup Radar Siren Kassie thanks you too. Fellowship Hall is full of cookies. Please take time to celebrate this year's food drive!"

Everyone clapped, and Kassie dropped to the floor to roll in the papers. She didn't care. Kassie was for Cassandra Dom de Luis. Toby was sure of it, and he liked it. He liked it a lot. After all, Cassandra, as Shantille, had brought Elliot into Toby's life, and Elliot had shoved Kassie into Toby's. Toby sat down with her and laughed.

Mabel tapped him on the head. "Get your bucket and go work the crowd."

"Yes, ma'am." Toby went down the back stairs in the sanctuary that led to the basement with Kassie in hot pursuit. He found the ice cream bucket and handed it to her. "Carry it."

Kassie took it, prancing a little, and she worked the crowd like a pro. Toby shook so many hands that he felt as if he needed to go wash. Kids ran wild. The winners would brag for weeks, but even the losers looked happy because of the cookies. The bucket filled up, and Mabel switched out an empty one about half the way through. Kassie sneezed but went back to work.

"That bandanna is cute," Mabel said.

"Found it at the pet store." Toby smiled. "It says, 'Feed Me.'" It had made him laugh, and it had been perfect for the day.

"You should get dog treats some time." Mabel waved at someone and was gone into the crowd. Toby stared after her. She'd certainly come a long way. Deakins caught up with him, and they laughed together over Princess Buttercup Radar Siren Kassie.

"Elliot?" Deakins was grinning from ear to ear. "How is that possible?"

"She can read," Toby whispered. "I'm sure of it." He laughed, but he was worried it was true. "There are several Elliots in this church. You'll have to ask them all." But he knew it was his Elliot.

"I will. We wouldn't want that Playstation to go to waste." Deakins surveyed the hall. "Your princess has put down her bucket and is eating a cookie that hit the floor."

Toby went that direction. He put the bucket on the table by the cookies. She was tired of carrying it around. He grabbed up a couple of cookies, fed her one, and ate the other himself. "Kassie. Kassie. Kassie." Trying it out on her.

She tilted her head and let out a very low woof. It wasn't really a bark, but it wasn't a howl. Toby stared in amazement and then got her another cookie. "Kassie, it is."

She pranced.

*********

Elliot pulled down the ladder and went up the fire escape. He knew the dog might bite him, but it was late, and he didn't have a key to the building. Taking a good look first, he saw the TV was on. He tapped on the glass and got back.

"Down! Down!" Toby got her away and then opened the window. "She is gonna bite your ass, and I won't be able to stop her!"

"I'm so tired I won't feel it." Elliot fell in the window and stayed on the bed. "I was going to sleep in the crib, but I couldn't face being there one more hour."

Toby made a soft sound. "Tough case?"

"Three of them." Elliot yawned. He wasn't complaining, well, he was, but it had been a rough four days. "Got any food?"

"Moocher. You're worse than she is." Toby locked the window. "I'll go find you something. Bowl of dog food, okay?"

"Sure." Elliot eased over to his chair. She glared, but then came over to reassure herself that he was okay. He told her to chill, and she jumped on the sofa and put her head down. Toby banged around, and Elliot told his muscles to relax. Everything was okay. It wasn't, but he could pretend while he was here. Toby put a plate of food on Elliot's lap, and Elliot ate gratefully. "Thanks."

Toby sat with his dog and played with her ears. "Mabel brought me Thanksgiving leftovers. Did you know she has five daughters?"

Elliot swallowed. "Five?"

"And I guess they're all as forceful as she is." Toby smiled. "I know. It's scary. At least three of them have served in the military. One is in Iraq right now. Mabel has twelve grandchildren, and guess what?"

"What?" Elliot was too tired to think.

"All girls." Toby nodded at Elliot's wide eyes. That didn't seem possible. "In another generation or two, her offspring will take over the world."

Elliot chuckled. It was a scary thought. "Give me the big news. What's her name?"

Toby shrugged. "You don't really care."

Elliot searched for a pillow to throw. "I do too!"

"Nah." Toby whispered something rude about him in her ears.

Elliot went back to eating. When he finished, he took his plate to the sink, and went to stand over the sofa. He was tired of waiting. "Tell me now."

Toby laughed. "Okay. Sit down before she bites you."

"Spill it. I still have my gun with me." Elliot grabbed the quilt and went to his chair. He was crashing here tonight, and he wasn't going to think about what it meant.

"Five names. It was… strange. She didn't have any trouble picking them out." Toby was stalling. He tapped her on the head. "We gave out four prizes. The fifth one is sitting over there, waiting to be claimed."

Elliot glanced that way. He was growing impatient. "So?"

"Princess Buttercup--" Elliot's laughter interrupted him. Toby glared and continued, "Siren Radar and the name I actually call her."

"Okay, do I have to smack you like Mabel does?" Elliot glared fiercely at him, maybe too fiercely because she rumbled. "What is it?" he yelled.

Toby leaned back. "Kassie, with a k. Some fucker named Elliot put it in the bucket and then didn't even come to church to claim his prize!"

"I had to work!" Elliot nearly put his hand over his mouth. "Wait! I didn't meant that! It wasn't me!"

"Kassie, go bite him - right in the balls." Toby glared one minute and then laughed way too loud. He threw a pillow at Elliot. "She picked it, and she woofed!"

"What?" Elliot was wide awake now.

"Yep. The first time I called her that she made a woofy sound. Hasn't made it since." Toby shook his head. "I think she can read. Either that or you put in a hundred of them!"

"One. I put in one." Elliot sat back hard. It was damn weird. "I guess I should donate some food now."

Toby groaned. "You cheated?"

"Well, I volunteered that day. I thought I'd earned the right to put a name in the bucket, just one." Elliot rubbed his face. "I hate guilt."

"I hear that. So you owe me a can of corn, and I will collect!" Toby collapsed laughing on his dog.

Elliot wanted to smack him, but it was funny. Weird, but funny. "So, what'd I get?"

"Playstation."

"Dickie wants one for Christmas." Elliot wasn't sure he should take it. "I did cheat."

Toby picked up her rope and started teasing her with it. "I'll get a donation of you, one way or another." He smiled. "Ice cream freezer is almost empty."

"I can do that." Elliot did the math. It would be much cheaper than a Playstation. He watched Kassie fuss at Toby like dogs will do. "You like the name?"

"Yep. I liked Radar too, but that sounds more like a boy dog. Shantille would approve." Toby had figured it out, of course, and Elliot was glad. 

"Buttercup wasn't bad."

Kassie sneezed hard. Toby stared at her in horror. "Oh, that was gross!"

Elliot relaxed to his bones and laughed. He might have fallen asleep that way.

 

********

After Toby turned off the TV, he took Kassie out to piss. He used the leash. Until the vet signed her off, he was being extra careful. Elliot was asleep in his chair, and Toby had to put his hand over his mouth so he wouldn't kiss him on the forehead. Kassie was waiting near the bed, and Toby turned off the lights and joined her. She was warm, but she wasn't Elliot.

"Good night, Toby and Kassie," Elliot said.

"Good night." Toby fought for an extra inch and then curled around her. Kassie didn't know it, but if Elliot ever wanted her half, he was getting it. Toby told his dick to go down and shut his eyes. At some point, he must have fallen asleep because the next thing he knew Kassie was whining. He took her out without thinking and started the coffee.

She was standing by her bowl, and he fed her before stumbling back to lie down. He wanted to pretend that Elliot lived here and they'd spent all night making love. The images were so easy to conjure, but he shoved it all away. That kind of crap would make Elliot hate him.

Toby had no trouble remembering Chris's shame. Chris had liked men, but he hadn't been gay, and he had killed men in an effort to make sure no one thought that. Elliot was in the same sort of dilemma. He might feel some sort of attraction, but he sure as hell wasn't gay, and he might shoot someone that suggested it.

It was stupid to be attracted to two guys with the same problem. One had been bad enough. Why couldn't Toby find someone like Rusty? Okay, Rusty would drive him nuts. If only Caroline had liked him, and he'd liked her. He sighed. Stupid. What he wanted was to make a lifelong commitment to the man sleeping in front of his television, and that wasn't possible.

It hadn't been that long ago that Elliot had agreed they could be friends. Any more than that seemed like pushing his luck, and he was never lucky. Kassie slid her head on the bed, and he rubbed it. She left and came back with her rope.

"Not now, Kassie. It's the morning." Toby snatched it from her and hid it under the covers. She stuck her big head under and started searching.

"Don't let her bite your dick off," Elliot said as he went to the bathroom.

Toby threw it across the room, and she pounced on it. "Not like I'm using it for anything!" He could lie here and wish all he wanted, but he wasn't getting dick. Kassie dropped the rope on him. She wanted to play. They hadn't been to the park for any length of time since she'd gone into heat. Poor girl. She was bored. Toby hugged her and threw the rope again.

Elliot was nearly trampled, but he steadied himself and then headed for the coffee. "Bath today?"

Kassie dropped her rope. Toby smiled. His dog's mouth had just fallen open. "No bath. She's clean enough. I don't really have any plans."

"We better fill that freezer." Elliot took a sip. Kassie tossed her rope in the air. She was happy again. Elliot scrubbed his head with his hand. "Does she understand everything?"

"Yes." Toby sat up and put his back against the wall. He was up for a shopping trip. He'd go anywhere with Elliot, even to lockup. The thought almost made him squirm. Elliot made inroads on his coffee, and Toby decided he better start moving. Toby didn't want Elliot to leave without him.

Toby's jeans were at the end of the bed, and he slid into them and brushed his hair back with his fingers. "I really do thank you for Kassie. It took me a day or two to appreciate her, but you can't blame me for that."

Elliot's eyes raked over Toby's bare chest. "No, I can't."

Toby found a shirt fast and covered his ugly self. He should wear a shirt to bed when Elliot was here. "Save me some coffee."

Elliot poured him a mug and handed it to him. "Ain't no big deal."

"What?" Toby didn't get that.

"Your scars." Elliot shrugged, but it might have meant anything. "Everyone has them."

Toby hoped his face wasn't beet red. "Not like mine. I hired a prostitute when I first got out, and she screamed."

"You get your money back?" Elliot was always a cop.

"No." Toby drank some coffee and wasn't sure he wanted to continue discussing his ugly body.

Elliot raised his eyebrow - just one. "Shantille and Maxi didn't care."

"They were high most of the time. Everyone was." Toby didn't mention that Bennie had only liked Toby's mouth. "I'm not ashamed."

"Really?" Elliot didn't look convinced.

Toby took his coffee over and started making the bed. He was done talking about it. It wasn't shame. It was something worse, more like horror that he had been through all that and survived, and he couldn't pretend that it hadn't happened because it was all there staring at him in the mirror every day of his life. Denial would have been so nice. He should've died and gone to meet Chris; it almost would have been easier.

"Thing is - I've seen a lot of scars and wounds." Elliot's eyes turned darker. "If a dog attacked you, you should've had wounds on your hands, arms, and maybe your back as you curled up to get away. Defensive wounds, we call them."

Toby just looked at him. Elliot was too damn smart, and there was no way to answer that without sounding like a whiner.

"Does the asshole still work there?" Elliot asked, anger in his voice.

"No. He was given early retirement. There was a cover-up, of course." Toby didn't want to re-hash it, but Elliot wanted to know. "I was cuffed, being taken to the hole. I was fighting. Things got crazy, which wasn't unusual. The guard acted with what I believe is called, 'justifiable force.'"

"But they lied about the circumstances."

"The dog shouldn't have been in Ad Seg." Toby shrugged. It was over. He was not going to spend his day talking about it. "So, shopping?"

"I demand breakfast today." Elliot did sound grumpy about it. "I can't shop on an empty stomach."

Toby got his coffee, relieved that Elliot was changing the subject. "Breakfast, I can do. Get your ass out of the way."

Elliot went to sit down, but he looked slightly offended. "Bring me the rope, Kassie."

She dropped it at Toby's feet. Toby tossed it to Elliot and started looking for things to cook. It was going to be an interesting day, but he wasn't going to count on anything. Elliot might bolt after thirty minutes. Whatever, it wouldn't be dull.

"Hey!" Toby whipped around. "No hitting the cook!" He'd have sworn that Kassie was laughing as Elliot tried to look innocent.

**********

"Enough?" Elliot hoped so. His hands were frozen.

Toby nodded and shut the top fast. "If we can keep Ralph away, yes."

Kassie stood up on her back legs and put her paws on the freezer. Toby snorted. "I don't think so. You're hooked on ice cream."

Elliot stuck his hands in his pockets. He'd never taken a dog shopping, but she'd behaved better than Toby. "Doggie crack."

Toby laughed with him, and they all went out to the car. Luckily, no other dogs were around. Elliot wasn't convinced that Toby was over his fears. Toby rubbed his hands on his jeans. "Think she's out of heat?"

"Take her to vet." Elliot didn't know, and he wasn't looking. "Or we could go to a dog park and find out that way."

"No way in hell." Toby lowered his voice. "She's a complete slut. I swear I saw her eying a poodle yesterday."

Elliot hooked his thumb at her. "She can hear you." He wasn't sure where to drive next. Did Toby have plans? Elliot needed to go home and do laundry, but he wasn't ready to say goodbye, and it worried him. "Want to go to my place?"

Toby did look surprised. "The Batcave? You sure?"

Elliot glanced over his shoulder. "Kassie, how do you put up with him? The sarcasm? The insults? The constant nagging?"

"She knows I love her." Toby's face flared bright red one second later. "Stupid dog."

Kassie reached with her big head and licked the back of Toby's neck. Elliot didn't know what they'd end up doing the rest of the day, but there was no rush to be alone.

*********

Toby kept his hands to himself all day. It was practically impossible, but he did it by distracting himself with Kassie whenever the urge to shove Elliot down overwhelmed him. Kassie liked Elliot's place. There was a yard for rolling and dog stuff. Toby liked the place too because he knew Elliot was naked there a lot.

"Not thinking about that," Toby whispered and rubbed his face.

Elliot turned off the TV. "Ready to go? We both have to work tomorrow."

Toby wasn't ready, but he nodded, and he was quiet on the ride home. It had been a great day, and he didn't want it to end. This might be it - all he got. Elliot could have another mood swing any minute. He parked the car, and Toby made the choice to get out instead of begging for a kiss.

"Thanks, El, see ya later." Toby tried his best to sound casual. Today had been nothing but two guys hanging out.

Elliot bit his lower lip and then smiled, but it was a small one. "Later."

Toby wasn't satisfied with that, but he had to be, and he waved. Kassie went to piss in her usual spot, and then they went upstairs. He set his alarm and went to bed. It was early, but he was tired from drooling all day. All he wanted to do was hide under the covers and wish he were less gay.

*********

Elliot nearly ran right over Huang coming around the corner, and his attempt to get away from him failed miserably.

"Before I make a phone call, I wanted to ask you a question."

"I may not have an answer." Elliot unbuttoned his shirt sleeves so he could roll them up. He couldn't just stand here and wait for the ax to drop.

"Do you think Tobias Beecher would be open to me doing a case study on him?"

Elliot stared for a long moment. "You've got to be tremendously bored or out of your mind."

"Neither." Huang did look serious, but he was nuts. "His case is fascinating. Sexually abused in prison--"

"Stop right there." Elliot raised his hand. He did not want to go over this information again. "Don't call him. Go see him. Be nice to the dog. That's your best chance."

Huang seemed pleased with that. "Thank you."

"Later." Elliot got back to the safety of his desk before he had to answer any more questions. He had waved Toby's rap sheet in his face to make a point once or twice, but it didn't tell the story of the abuse and the misery and the pain. Toby was a man made up of shades of gray, and Elliot liked his world black and white.

********

Toby looked under the bench. "Ya big wimp!"

Kassie shivered and whined. It was ridiculous. Toby was slightly embarrassed by all the drama. Rusty was wearing off on her.

"Toby!"

"We're here." Toby didn't have to pull her out, but she was hiding behind him, which was silly.

The receptionist smiled. "How's Brandy?"

Toby kept his hand firmly around the leash. "We decided to call her Kassie, but she's fine."

The vet came out of a little room, and they all packed in there. Toby crouched down and let her hide her head while the vet took a good look at her other end. She was so ashamed, or so it seemed, and he understood what she was going through.

"She's done. No puppies."

Toby heaved a sigh of relief. "Good girl." He gave her some love. She was getting a treat for sure.

"She's due for her shots." The vet smiled. "I assume you want them all."

"Whatever you think is right." Toby held her while she tried to be brave. "You're a police dog!" he hissed at her. She whined. Toby felt like whining when the receptionist gave him the bill. He waited until they outside before complaining to her, "You're expensive! I can't afford you!"

Kassie peed on the side of the vet's office. That was her answer to everything. Toby started for home. It was enough of a walk to wear her out, and he jogged some of it. She thought it was a good idea, only stopping for the hot dog cart on the corner. Toby stopped next to her and gave in quickly. She deserved a special treat.

"How many dogs, mister?" The guy had a grin on his face.

Toby made her sit. "Two. No bread, but she likes ketchup."

The guy smiled, Kassie got her treat, and Toby was able to catch his breath. He bought a soda, and they went more slowly. Kassie would never forget that. She'd stop at the hot dog cart every time now. It wasn't far now, and he frowned when he saw Dr. Huang get out of his car.

Kassie sat down next to him as he waited. Just seeing Huang made him nervous. He was like Sister Pete in that he kept pushing for answers, but he seemed smart enough to know when he was being lied to, and that was a dangerous combination.

"Can we talk?"

Toby hated to, but as long as he was careful, it might not be too awful. "Come on up. She needs a drink."

Huang was staring at her with ill-disguised amazement. They went up, and he let Huang look around while she drank her water. When she was in her spot, Toby washed his hands to stall for that extra minute, but when he was done, he had the feeling that Huang wasn't fooled.

"She won't bite." The dog was always a safe subject.

Huang turned from looking out the window. "Of course not. Do you like her?"

Toby thought that was an interesting question. "What's your analysis?"

"You are clearly very attached to her." Huang smiled and sat on the sofa. Toby was glad he'd vacuumed off the dog hair earlier. Huang continued, "And Elliot is very smug about it."

"I'm sure you find it as offensive as I do." Toby sat in Elliot's chair. "House calls are expensive, so let's get on with it."

Huang nodded. "I agree. This is what I propose."

Toby found that after the first few sentences that he lost the ability to think, much less listen. "Kassie, come here." He wrapped his hands into her fur and held on tight, hoping the doctor would finish soon and leave.

"Absolutely not." Toby was having a hard time breathing, and he heard her whine. He tried to make sure his hands weren't squeezing her too tightly.

"Toby, I know this is painful, but I want you to consider that your experiences could help other people deal with their own conflicts." Huang's voice was soft, almost hypnotic. "Some good could come out of your pain."

Toby wanted to jump to his feet and run, but he didn't have enough will in his body. "Doc, I hear you, but I don't think..."

"I spoke to Sister Peter Marie, and she and I are in complete agreement. Denial is not a solution to your problems." Huang sighed. "Once a month, I believe, will be of great benefit to you."

"Denial is nice. I like it there." Toby turned her loose and rubbed his own face. "What are you going to charge me?" The thought of therapy was a terrible one, but he wasn't a complete idiot. Without the benefit of the wacky weed, he had too much time to think about too many terrible things.

"Nothing. We'll go slow. The first thing I want to discuss is your dog phobia."

"I'm not scared of dogs any longer." Toby could handle talking about that, but not much else.

Huang blinked. "When did this happen?"

"Well, I was afraid of them until Kassie went into heat, and then I had a breakthrough moment." Toby stroked her head. "They were after her, and the fear turned into anger, and then I knew they were just dogs. I haven't been afraid since."

"Were you afraid for her or yourself?" Huang leaned forward.

"Me and then her, and then it all blew away in anger." Toby didn't mind discussing it. For him, it was a success story. "What's another bite? Big fucking deal."

Kassie brought him the rope, and he wiggled it for her. Huang made that doctor noise that they all made. "We have to discuss this at length."

Toby sighed, rubbed his face, and gave up. Sister Pete had won again. "Once a month, and I want the final say on any papers you write."

"Good, and no." Huang stood. He put out his hand and Kassie sniffed it. "Will you be bringing her?"

"Yes, or you can forget it." Toby got up and tossed the rope to her bed. He hadn't won an argument with a shrink yet, but he wasn't backing down on that point. "Where?"

"My office at the precinct. You've been there." Huang went to look closely at the mural. "This is very well done. Who's the artist?"

"Alex Stabler." Toby enjoyed the look of surprise that was quickly hidden. "He painted everything you see."

Huang glanced about the apartment. "Interesting. Do you like blue?"

"Always the shrink." Toby took the sofa and was glad when Kassie joined him. "Anything else?"

"Were you tested?" Huang looked directly at him, wanting the truth.

Toby nodded. "I was." He didn't think the results were any of Huang's business. "Will you call me with the time?"

Huang pulled a business card out of his pocket. It already had a date and time on it. "Here."

"I really don't like shrinks." Toby put it on the coffee table. "There's the door."

"Thank you, Tobias." Huang reached in his other pocket and tossed Kassie a dog treat. Toby caught it and gave it to her. He didn't like feeling as if he were easy to read and manipulate. Admitting he needed shrunk was easy, but doing something about it was hard. If it helped him stay clean and sober, it would be worth it. If it drove him back to drugs, he was going to be pissed. Shrinks didn't seem to always realize the power they had, or maybe they did and they didn't care. Sister Pete sure had screwed over Chris, and as much as Toby loved her, he'd never forgive her for that. Kassie nudged him. She looked worried. He was too, but he'd find a way to deal with it.

********

Elliot wanted to go hang out with Toby, but it had only been three days, and he knew none of his other friends wanted to see him that often.

"Shit, John!" Elliot jumped out of the way, but ketchup went all over his shirt.

Munch stared for one second. "We've got an officer down!"

"Very damn funny." Elliot grabbed a napkin and got off the worst of it. "Last time I'm getting hot dogs with you!"

Munch and Fin both thought it was funny. Elliot finished his dog before going to change his shirt. He peeled it off and threw it in the trash. "I should make John buy me a shirt." The words sparked an idea, and he made up his mind to do it. It might give him some much needed information, and hopefully, it wouldn't break the bank. It meant he had to leave work early, but he was always here late, so he didn't worry about it.

"Cap, I'm headed out." Elliot already had his computer off. "Fin and Munch have Johnson in booking, and I finished my fives."

"Good." Cragen didn't look up from the file he was studying. "Go."

Elliot went to get his coat and he was gone out the door. The day was cold, and the sun was fast going down, but he had time to get there. He pushed his way inside, glad for the warmth, and nearly walked back out. Quality was obvious, and it was always expensive, and he'd seen Toby in that shirt, different color, and shit, it cost a lot of money.

"Elliot? Is that you?" Rusty put his hand on his heart. "Brian! Elliot is here! I think he's lost!"

Elliot managed a weak smile. "Toby said this was a good place for clothes. I ruined another shirt today at work."

"Blood?" Brian asked as he came around a rack.

"Ketchup." Elliot wanted to look, but he doubted he'd be buying. Looking professional was part of the job, and it reassured the victims that he knew what he was doing, but he didn't need to look that nice.

Rusty was right behind him every step of the way. "I bet you wear a large, or an extra-large, but not a long. Blues definitely, but not brown. Any shade of purple would look great. Brian, I think I'm in love with Elliot's eyes."

Elliot put the shirt down and frowned at him. Brian laughed from behind the counter. "Rusty, falling in love with straight men is so incredibly gay. Stop it now. You'll scare him."

"Just his eyes." Rusty almost pouted. Elliot hadn't a clue what to say. He should've gone to K-Mart, but then he remembered why he was here. Rusty pulled out a shirt. "This would look great on you, and it's on sale."

"Just two months of my salary instead of three, huh?" Elliot grumbled. He had to work this delicately if he was going to find out what Toby was thinking and get out of here with his wallet intact.

"Anyway, Elliot already has a gay boyfriend. The last thing he needs is two!" They laughed together, and Elliot knew he was in way over his head. These two must tone it down around Toby, or maybe not and he didn't care.

Rusty giggled. "This chartreuse would be lovely. Brian, shut up and help the poor cop find some fashion!"

Elliot took a deep breath. "I'm not sure I need all that much in my life. The other cops might laugh."

"He's got a point. If he looks too good, everyone will be jealous." Brian came around to them and glanced around the shop. "For some reason, I pictured you as a K-Mart kind of guy."

"Toby wore that shirt on Thanksgiving. He looked nice enough. One of my sisters tried to set him up with one of my cousins." Elliot nearly clapped his hand over his mouth. He was babbling. They were getting to him.

Brian sniffed. "Toby only has eyes for you, no matter how many women he dates. I don't see it myself, but prison changes a man. Okay! Moving along! Rusty, go get that rack in the back. They're all seventy-five percent off."

"I think it's sweet that Toby carries a torch for you. Romantic. Unfulfilled love at its best." Rusty frowned. "In prison, he was hurt terribly. I'm surprised he's willing to give anyone a chance, much less a cop."

 

"Rusty!" Brian slapped him on the ass. "Now!" Rusty glared but went in the back, and Elliot needed to sit down. This had been a horrible idea. He had so much more information than he'd wanted and there was no way to scrub it from his brain.

"I should go," Elliot said, but his voice was weak.

"Not without a shirt." Brian started flipping through the rack even before it stopped rolling. "I was saving this stuff for our Christmas sale, but you only want one." He gave Elliot a look. Elliot had a feeling that Brian hadn't been fooled at all. "Try these three, and no arguing."

Elliot took them and went to the dressing room. He stripped off his sweatshirt, put on the purplish one, and tucked it. It looked fine. He'd take it and get out of here.

Rusty opened the curtain. "You have to come out so we can see."

"Why?" Elliot frowned. He didn't think that was a good idea.

"It's the rule!" Rusty pointed at the mirror. "Toby never lets us down and I've never seen a man more shy about his body."

Brian snorted. "He's not shy. He was in prison!" He walked around Elliot and straightened it here and there. "I like it, but try the other two on, just in case."

Elliot began to hope he got out of this place with his dignity intact. He changed quickly and went back out. Rusty clapped. "Oh, I like the green. Green is his color."

"Much better. The other one was too loose across the back." Brian tugged the collar straight.

"I say Toby is shy. It's all those damn scars. Man looks like he was hit by a bus. I mean, he's still adorable, but did you see his face that time he threw his shirt at me?"

Brian shooed Elliot away. "He's not shy. He's worried he'll never get laid except from pity again. Rick told me, and I believe him."

Elliot leaned against the wall for a second and looked upwards. "I've got to get out of here." He ignored the yellow shirt and put his sweatshirt back on. "Okay, I'll take the green one," he said as he came out of the dressing room. "Show's over."

Rusty giggled. "Too bad. Your handsome brother is doing an absolutely stunning job at Le Monde. I heard he has two other jobs lined up already."

"No shit?" Elliot couldn't believe it. Well, he knew his brother was talented, but that was incredible, and it would translate into a lot of money.

Brian folded the shirt precisely. "It's true. The man is a genius for color, and he's gorgeous to watch paint. It's like art creating art. Some of the waiters go in early to sit and watch."

"I bet he's mortified," Elliot said, picturing the scene with no trouble. "He also has a wife. A mean wife."

Rusty got out a bag and put the shirt in it. "I heard he stripped off his shirt the other day, and two waiters passed out and a waitress screamed. It was a happy sound."

"I gotta talk to him." Elliot rubbed his forehead and put the shirt on his credit card. He signed without checking the price. That was bad news that he didn't need. "Did Rick hire a new chef?"

"Ramon is getting better every day, and he worships Rick. It's very cute." Brian handed him the bag. "I put in our last package of wife beaters as a one-time bonus. If Rusty orders them again, he'll be fired."

"Hey, Toby bought them!" Rusty protested. "He said they reminded him of good things."

"Like biceps and necks that are chewable." Brian laughed. "Maybe Kassie wears them too."

They both laughed and then kissed each other. Elliot rushed back out into the cold, hoping it blew away the heat on his face. He got in the car fast. Toby was not gay. They were gay. Toby was bi-sexual and that was a world apart. It was a lot clearer now. Elliot turned the heater up. He wasn't gay either, but he wouldn't mind putting on a wife beater for Toby. The image of Toby licking Elliot's crucifix at that stupid party slammed into Elliot's groin. He groaned. One of these days soon he was going to ask Toby a few questions, but it could wait.

*****  
Chapter 6 - Love  
*****

It was snowing, and all Toby wanted to do was curl up with his dog and drink hot chocolate. She had other ideas though, and she was pacing, letting him know that he sucked as a dog owner.

"Kassie, please don't do this to me."

Kassie stared at the door and let out a gentle whine. Toby sighed. He didn't want to, but he would. She needed the exercise. "Fuck, dog!"

He pulled his coat out of the armoire, and she began to spin in circles. She licked his face while he laced up his boots, and he shoved her away. "All right!"

Kassie dashed to the door, and he made sure he had his gloves. Down the stairs and out, she raced to turn as much snow yellow as possible. That done, she shook all over and looked at him expectantly.

"We'll go to the park," Toby said with a groan. He was going to freeze his ass off, and she would lose her lunch ticket. Kassie led the way, and he dug out the tennis ball in his jacket to throw over and over again. She romped and played and jumped until he was exhausted from watching, much less participating.

"Thought I saw you head this way."

Toby would recognize that voice anywhere. He threw the ball again, careful to hide his happiness at his visitor. "I'm being tortured by my dog. We won't go home until I'm half frozen."

"Buy her a treadmill." Elliot flashed a quick grin. Toby smacked him on the arm. Kassie dropped the ball, and Toby tossed it to Elliot. He threw it halfway to the moon, and she ran to get it.

"Making me look bad in front of my dog," Toby grumbled. He looked Elliot over for the thousandth time, but it was always new. "You look nice. What's that all about?"

"Cop thing." Elliot was so forthcoming. Kassie came tearing up, dropped the ball, and ran a short distance to get ready. He threw it harder. Toby laughed at her enthusiasm. Elliot smiled, but it was a small one, not the wide open one that Toby saw so rarely.

"You should buy a tennis racket. Get more distance."

Toby thought that was a pretty good idea. "You don't have an old one you could toss my way?"

"Might. Have to look in the garage." Elliot really looked at him for the first time. "Lunch?"

"Do you want to see Alex's paint job at Le Monde?" Toby wasn't going to insist, but he thought Elliot should see it.

Elliot nodded. "I do. Word is going around the Stabler family that Alex is going to be rich. We're all a little peeved."

"At me," Toby said glumly. "I get blamed for everything!"

"Pretty much." Elliot grinned quickly, and it was gone. "Alex is finally happy. I'm glad."

Toby didn't know what to say about that. He was glad also, but he didn't want to sound more stupid than usual. Kassie was back, and she had that glint in her eye. She wanted him to chase her now. He stuffed the ball in his coat pocket. "I'll be right back, and then we can go."

Elliot laughed once as Toby tore after her. There was no way he'd ever catch her, but she let him get close before turning fast and eluding him. Her tail was a tease, and she knew it. He made a desperate grab, missed, and scooped up a snowball to throw at her. She caught it, crunched it, and laughed at him.

"Bitch," Toby said and shook his fist at her. "One of these days!"

She didn't think so. He strolled back to Elliot with her close. "We're ready."

"You two are certifiable." Elliot took them to his car, and Toby was glad for the heater. She stretched out in the back as if she owned the world. He warmed up on the way, and he stomped his boots off before going inside. Elliot seemed stunned from the first look, and Toby went to the bar to demand hot chocolate. Kassie was thirsty too.

"Toby, who's that handsome guy?" Rick teased, pointing at Elliot.

"Some asshole cop. I want hot chocolate, and Kassie wants some lukewarm water. Now would be good." Toby pulled off his gloves and tucked them away. "He's making me look bad everywhere we go."

"But he's good to look at it. He's almost as handsome as his brother." Rick was getting Kassie's drink first, and she trotted around the bar to lap it up. The hot mug felt good in his hands, and Toby blew on it. He didn't watch Elliot walk around the restaurant. No reason to get a hard one.

"Ramon is trying something new today. Should be good or at least entertaining." Rick pulled up a stool and sat down on the other side of the bar. "Think he likes it?"

Toby shrugged. "I never, and I mean never, know what Elliot Stabler is thinking."

"Is he an enigma, wrapped in a mystery?" Rick laughed. "Or just plain stubborn?"

"All of that and more." Toby took a sip. It was very good, and it warmed his stomach. He pointed behind the bar. "Did Kassie go in the kitchen?"

"Probably. I'll go make sure they're not giving her cake." Rick went quickly, and Toby sighed. His dog was a mooch, and she was damn good at it.

Elliot wandered over and sat down next to him. "It's amazing work."

Toby nodded. It was. Alex was able to take one color, twenty variations of it, and blend them all seamlessly into the space so there was always something interesting around the next corner. "I wasn't sure about the chocolate brown, but it works."

"Makes the place warm and inviting, instead of slightly garish."

"Excuse me?" Rick was back, and he looked offended. "Le Monde was never garish!"

Elliot put his coat on the barstool next to him. "I'm sure I used the wrong word. I ain't been to Harvard like Toby here."

Toby sputtered in his hot chocolate. He wiped his mouth and made sure to look serious, but Elliot had used the word that he'd meant, and it was funny. "Kassie! Come lie down!"

She was licking her chops when she came out of the kitchen, but she was willing to curl up under his chair. Rick glared at Elliot and then Toby. "She ate a steak!"

"Did she ask?" Toby had never seen her steal food, but it was possible. She was a dog.

"Of course! And they blissfully handed it over because she tilted her head and looked adorable!" Rick got Elliot a cup of coffee and looked disgusted. "You're paying for that!"

"Elliot's buying today. On his cop salary, you may have just put him in the poor house." Toby made sure not to smile. "Guess your kids can skip college."

"Guess so." Elliot sighed. "Oh, well."

Rick marched back to the kitchen, and Toby laughed, but very quietly. "Good one."

"Cheapskate. It was a steak!" Elliot smiled, and Toby hoped his heart didn't burst from trying to contain all the love he had for him. "Am I really buying?"

Toby wanted coffee now, but he'd get it himself. "It's my turn, which you know." He went around the bar, got some coffee, and filled up Elliot's cup. "Rick is stressed out lately."

"Don't want to know why." Elliot wrapped his strong hands around the coffee mug. Toby noticed every little thing, and he wished he could turn it off for a minute. He changed his mind about that almost instantly. He might miss something good.

"He's in charge of the toy drive at his church. I guess they're not getting the turnout they'd hoped." Toby told him anyway. "Times are lean. Can of corn is one thing, but a fifteen dollar toy is another."

Elliot nodded. He glanced down at Kassie and then back at Toby. Toby narrowed his eyes. He had a feeling that Elliot had one of those ideas that were always a lot of work.

"What are you doing at the food bank for Christmas?" Elliot asked innocently enough.

Toby drank some coffee first. "Big meal, mostly. Mabel and I put up a tree, and I'm buying some toys for the kids."

"Expensive." Elliot wasn't criticizing. Toby could tell. He shrugged and wasn't going to divulge the details. He'd worked a good deal with a local toy store that needed the business, but there was no reason to brag about it.

"Lend me Kassie and some boxes, and I'll get your toys."

"No." Toby didn't even think about it. It wasn't going to happen. "I'll give you boxes. I got those out the ass, but you can't have my dog."

Elliot rolled his eyes and sighed. "It won't work if you're around."

"Because I'm hated by every cop in Manhattan, I know, but you can't have her." Toby nearly growled at the idea.

Rick came out from the back with their lunch, and he still looked pissy. "It was filet mignon! A big one!"

Toby laughed at Rick's outrage. "I'll pay for it. Settle down. Don't fire anyone. She can't help it she's beautiful."

"She's turned begging into an art form." Rick seemed mollified. He sat down across from them again, and Toby started eating. He was hungry, and he liked pasta. Elliot didn't look that enthusiastic about it, but since he wasn't buying, he couldn't complain.

"Rick, I can help with your toy drive, but I'll need Kassie." Elliot wasn't giving up - stupid cop.

"Take her." Rick smiled at Toby. "Please."

Toby shook his head and kept on eating. "Kids can go without. Fuck 'em. It's my dog."

Rick stared in astonishment. Elliot did too. Toby nearly blushed. He hadn't meant it to come off that bad, even if he had meant it. Rick sighed and managed to look very sad. "That's why I don't have many toys."

"Ah, fuck!" Toby felt the guilt working at him. "It's my dog!"

"I can't believe how grinchy you are. It's for charity," Elliot said, oozing sincerity. Rick nodded and worked his brown eyes. He must've been taking lessons from Kassie.

Toby glared at them both. "Shit," he mumbled and ate his lunch. He'd discuss it, but they better not get their hopes up. She was his dog, damn it.

 

********

Elliot wanted to feel good about something this Christmas. Kathy was riding his ass, his kids had unrealistic expectations, and the precinct was full of snarling cops. No one liked Christmas anymore, not even Santa Claus. It was too damn stressful.

"Going back to work?" Toby put on his gloves. His hands were strong, and Elliot hated that he noticed every detail.

"Depends on whether or not you'll give me Kassie." Elliot smiled a little. "It's me. You trust me with your life." He knew that was true.

"But, not my dog." Toby looked as if he meant that. "You put the plan in motion, and I'll tell you exactly where I'm drawing the line."

Elliot sighed, but he could do that. He'd work around him. Discussing the plan in detail would take longer than just doing it. They piled in the car, and he drove to Brian's shop. That was the place to start.

Toby looked at him. "Curiouser and curiouser."

"Come on." Elliot made sure Kassie's tail made the door. He prepared himself for the onslaught. Brian and Rusty were overwhelming on a good day, and today, until lunch, hadn't qualified.

"Wow! It's a party!" Rusty kissed Toby hard on the mouth, and Elliot wanted to punch him in the face. Kassie pranced. Why she was excited was a mystery until Rusty gave her a big rawhide bone to chew. She got busy.

Toby put his arm around Rusty. "Elliot has a secret plan, and I think he needs your help."

"God, I love secrets!" Rusty was almost bouncing.

Elliot controlled a long-suffering sigh and the urge to rip Toby's arm from around Rusty. "Toby, beat it. Go elsewhere. Leave the dog."

"I'll be in the back where the cookies are," Toby grumbled. Rusty smacked him on the ass, and Elliot managed not to strangle him.

"What are we doing?" Rusty clapped.

Elliot pointed at Kassie. "I need you to deck her out like Santa. Blinking lights. The works. If it's red and cute, put it on her. Emphasis on the fact that she's a police dog and find a way to show off that badge. She's going to run a toy drive." He could see the puzzlement on Rusty's face. "Rick's toy drive? I'm trying to help him out, so you'll do it, right?"

"Toby will, um, die." Rusty suddenly smiled. "But it's a secret!"

"Exactly. You have one day." Elliot wasn't going to mess around and wait until the last minute. He was busy too.

Brian came up fast and reached for a hug. Elliot put his hand on Brian's chest. "Not today. Help Rusty. It's for charity. There are cookies in back?"

Rusty laughed and started talking a mile a minute. Elliot went to find the cookies. Kassie would cheer up the cops and make them open up their wallets. The only problem was Toby. His mug shot had been handed out at the firing range not that long ago.

"Already done?" Toby looked suspicious.

Elliot helped himself to some cookies and coffee. "Let them talk a few minutes." He tried to smile and sat down. "Toby-wan, if you had a choice between giving up your dog for a day or wearing a ridiculous outfit, which would it be?"

"When you call me that, I quiver with misgivings." Toby frowned. "I don't like the choices."

"It's for the children." Elliot loved this, but he was going to keep it to himself. He stopped talking and ate his cookies. They were homemade, of course. He shouldn't call Toby that name. It conjured up loud music, smoky rooms, and the feel of Toby's ass against him.

"You guys are so cute!"

Elliot made sure he had his gun, knowing that Toby would notice.

Toby did, getting up quickly. "We done?"

"Elliot, come back in the morning at ten. We'll do it then." Rusty smiled. "This is gonna be fun. I gotta get the camera!"

Toby groaned. "I'm scared. I really am."

"You should be." Elliot snitched another cookie, avoided the rush of hugs and kisses, wished they'd keep their lips off Toby, and made it out to his car. Toby and Kassie got in fast.

"You know they collect on favors, right?" Toby smirked. "Usually in kisses."

"Not gonna happen." Elliot turned up the heat. "Costume or dog-less for a day. You decide."

"Shit." Toby looked in the back seat. "You're sure it's for actual children?"

Elliot smiled his best and caught the wide eyes that liked seeing it. "I think I'm going to insist. You owe me about a dozen favors."

"Ah, fuck." Toby slid down in the seat, but he didn't say no. Elliot took him to a costume shop. Yes, a camera was a good idea.

*********

"Elliot, we're even, so even. So even you owe me big time!" Toby glared at Rusty and Brian, who were laughing so hard they might pee their pants. "In fact, you will always owe me."

"I kept your ass out of prison, don't forget that." Elliot was looking at Kassie. "Rusty, it's perfect. Good job."

"Thanks, love." Rusty sidled closer, but Elliot wasn't kissing him. "Toby, um--" he broke off and started laughing again.

Brian had never stopped laughing. Toby punched Elliot in the arm. "Let's go. They're hysterical. Did you get some boxes?"

"I put one in each squad room. Fin will be adding a picture after we get there." Elliot opened the door. "We're gonna do this every year."

"Over my dead body. Next year, I'll give Rick a check." Toby put her leash on her so she didn't rub the outfit off. She looked slightly stunned, but not upset. "The lights on her collar are blinding me."

"Let's put her on top." Elliot looked at Toby's face. "Or maybe not." They were going towards the precinct, and Toby's anxiety mounted every block.

"Are you sure they won't recognize me?" Toby hoped he hadn't squeaked out that question. He'd been shot and stomped enough for one year, but he didn't want to sound like a pussy.

"Positive, but don't talk." Elliot parked the car. "Ready?"

"You did not keep me out of prison." Toby was getting that in before he had to shut up and pray he survived. "I did that on my own."

"Right, Elfboy." Elliot got the door for Kassie. "You look great, girl. Make sure to high step. I got treats!"

Toby sighed. He was doomed. He maneuvered his pointy shoes out the door and vowed to find a way to make Elliot pay for this.

**********

Fin yanked Elliot aside. "I think I hurt myself laughing, and Munch slid under his desk."

Elliot grinned. "Did you get pictures?"

"Good ones. TARU is making posters. We'll have them up on the boxes within the hour." Fin laughed. "Even the perps are laughing."

Cragen came around the corner. "Whose idea was this? This place is a mad house!"

"Mine." Elliot took responsibility as Fin beat it. "One of our local churches needed help with their toy drive."

"The press wants to talk to you." Cragen didn't look upset. "Go give a nice interview with the dog. Make sure no one sees the weird elf."

Elliot laughed and went to do it. Toby grumbled but gave up the leash and agreed to go up to the lounge for a few minutes. "Is there coffee?"

"Yes, but don't ruin your beard or you'll have to run." Elliot gave Kassie a treat. "Come on."

She had the balls to look at Toby. He nodded. "Go with him, Kassie."

Elliot had never seen such a devoted dog, but she was a cop. The press went crazy over her, and he answered all their questions. He never liked the press but this was for a good cause. Kassie seemed relieved when it was over, and he gave her another treat. "Good girl."

When he got back to the squad room, everyone crowded around her, and she shook a lot of hands. He looked up and saw Toby, watching over the rail. Toby deserved a treat too, but Elliot was going to need brandy in his coffee to work up the courage for that.

*********

Toby collapsed in Rusty's arms. "Help me. Please."

"You poor thing." Rusty petted him. "Charity sucks, doesn't it?"

"It was awful." Toby faked a sniff. It had been a hard day, but mostly because all those cops had touched his dog. He started taking off the costume, not caring that he was near the door.

"Go in the damn back!" Elliot looked stunned. 

Brian was taking care of removing Kassie's costume. "Elliot hurt the poor doggie's ears. Go take a quick shower, Toby. You smell like mothballs and other cop stuff. Did they put you in lockup? I'll get you some clothes. Those green tights are going in the trash, and you needed new shoes anyway."

Toby thought that was a good idea. He left a trail of costume parts, knowing that Rusty would collect them. He'd had to buy the damn thing, but Rusty could have it. Kassie had loved her outfit. She'd danced all day, but that could have been all the treats Elliot had given her. The shower felt good, and he smiled. Elliot had yelled. It had bothered him. Good. Toby had also caught the quick glare when Rusty had kissed him. There was a tiny bit more hope than there had been last month. 

There were clothes set out for him, and he dressed quickly, so relieved to be rid of the tights.

"And then, the captain said, 'Get the dog, but hide the weird elf!'" They were all laughing their asses off, and Toby had to stop and stare at the sight. Elliot was a beautiful man, and he so rarely laughed like that. A raw chuckle was about all he ever managed. Seeing him like that made today worth it. When it had died down, he stepped where they could see him. Rusty was still giggling.

Kassie was stretched out on the floor with her head on the bone that Rusty kept here for her. She looked asleep. Toby smiled at her. "Elliot, that is the last time I ever listen to you!"

"Right." Brian snorted. "You'd follow him off a cliff in a clown costume."

Rusty and Brian did a high five thing, and Elliot turned away so he could smirk. Toby smacked them both and then kissed them to punish Elliot. "Thanks for helping him out. He's too shy to say it."

"He thanked us earlier. I even got a kiss." Rusty smiled in the face of Toby's glare. "Okay, that was a lie, but I was thinking about it!"

Brian held out his hand. "Credit card."

Toby handed it over. It was worth it not to have to go home dressed as an elf. He signed the slip and said, "Kassie and I need a nap. Don't call or come over."

Elliot drove them home, and they might have exchanged a glance or two, but that was it. Toby didn't get out of the car immediately. He unlocked his seat belt and brazenly leaned toward Elliot. He wouldn't get anything but it was worth the glare to ask, "Where's my thank you?"

"Thanks." Elliot ducked his head and kissed him. It was very short. Just lips, no tongue, but Toby felt as if he'd been put inside a piñata and gone a few rounds with twenty screaming kids.

"Tell Rick to call me about picking up the toys. We'll give it a week."

"Okay," Toby choked out. He saw Elliot's amusement and got out of the car. Kassie peed in her spot, and Elliot drove away. Toby sighed. "He kissed me, Dog."

Kassie wagged her tail. They went upstairs, and she got a big drink of water. Toby pushed off his shoes and crashed on the sofa. She was there one second later. "You did good, Kassie, and he kissed me."

*********

Elliot hefted the last box in the back of Rick's truck. "I think that's it. Kassie and I are going to go double check and say thank you. Can you hold Toby's hand?"

"They invented the word co-dependent for him." Rick pulled down the door. "Elliot, you've done a good thing. Thank you."

"Someone had to step up." Elliot waved to Toby, who was in the front seat of the truck, looking pissed, and Kassie and him went inside. She was wearing her blinking collar and a bandanna that said 'Thanks!' and Elliot admitted she was cute. He collected a few last minute toys, and she ate more cookies than Toby could be told about.

Cragen caught up with him in the hallway. "Huang said to stop by his office."

Elliot didn't ask if it could wait. He and Kassie got moving, and they went in the office together.

"Glad I caught you." Huang added a present to the pile. "I do have one small question. Why didn't you just let Tobias do this?"

"Doc, the cops around here hate him. Hate is probably mild." Elliot couldn't do anything about it. "A lot of guys were ripped, and a few were sent back to traffic because of everything that happened."

"He's starting sessions here in one week. He will bring the dog." Huang raised his eyebrows.

Elliot put everything down in a chair. "It's not safe for him to be in this building. I mean that."

"My office is here." Huang didn't look convinced.

Elliot asked Kassie to sit. "You're asking for trouble. If someone so much as pushes him, she'll take matters into her own paws. Doc, shrink him, but not here."

Huang looked at her. "Would she really?"

"Yes." Elliot picked up the toys again. "I have to get moving. For once, listen to me."

Huang made no promises, and Elliot beat it out to the truck. Rick took the presents, and Toby took his dog with a small huff. They were headed to the thrift store, but Elliot caught Toby by the arm.

"I'll stop by late. We have to talk. It's important."

Toby frowned. "Okay." He got in the truck, and they were gone. Elliot rubbed his hands together and ran back inside. If he couldn't convince Huang, he'd scare the crap out of Toby. Kassie wasn't the only one who would get mean if someone hurt Toby.

*********

Toby helped Rick most of the day, and even Kassie seemed glad to go home. The toy drive had been huge, and Elliot got all the credit. Well, Kassie did too, but Toby was very impressed. When Elliot put his mind to something, it got done. They'd even been in the newspaper, and Toby had posted the picture on the fridge to stare at daily.

The evening crawled and he tried not to worry about what Elliot wanted, but it was impossible. One little kiss had changed everything. He'd gone from mildly obsessed to aching for more, and he didn't know how long he could hold back before he did something crazy.

"Kassie, Elliot is coming through the window tonight. Please don't bite him." Toby went to the window and tapped it. She padded over, got on the bed, and looked out. "Elliot."

She pulled her lips off her teeth. Toby didn't think she was agreeing with the plan. He should get Elliot a key to the building. She would probably appreciate it. "Kassie, guard," he told her impulsively. She would enjoy it.

Kassie sat down and stared out the window. He could hear a low grumble coming from her chest. She took her duties very seriously. It made him smile. If he'd had her in Oz, no one would have fucked with him. A nice little fantasy about setting her on Vern played out in Toby's mind. He laughed, but it was mean.

Toby's phone rang and he got it. "El?"

"I'm outside the door." Elliot hung up. He must not be willing to brave the fire escape tonight. Toby left her on duty and went down to let him inside. Elliot rubbed his arms. "Thanks. It's cold."

"The fuck?" Toby could dimly hear Kassie going bananas, snarling and snapping. "Someone's on the fire escape. Not you this time."

"Get up there!" Elliot ran back out the door. Toby went upstairs as fast as he could, just in time to see Kassie go through the window. Glass shattered and flew everywhere, and his heart went into his throat and stayed there. A blast of cold air came inside and he couldn't see shit in the dark.

"Kassie! Elliot!"

Kassie growled, whining and snapping, and he could hear her claws on the metal steps.

"Police! Hands up!"

Toby scrambled out the window, trying to avoid the glass and not completely succeeding. He looked down and saw them in the alley. Kassie seemed huge in the dim light, and Elliot had his gun out. The fucker in between them didn't move for one long second, and then his hand moved fast.

"Attack!" Toby screamed. He didn't know which of them would get hurt, but either would kill him, and he pelted down the stairs. There was a shot, and he slid down the ladder, nearly falling.

"Get it off! Get it off! Fuck!"

Toby grabbed her by the collar and pulled with all his might. "Stand down!"

Kassie obeyed, but she was not happy about it, twisting and snapping. Elliot cuffed the stupid fucker fast and put his foot on him to keep him down. "She's been shot. I'm calling a bus."

Toby saw it then and nearly threw up. He took off his shirt, pressed it into her side, and she whined. "Good girl, Kassie. So damn brave. Hang on."

Police cars came from all directions, and someone handed him a blanket. He put it around them both and she settled down on him. Her fur was bloody, and he held her close. The ambulance arrived, and they seemed stunned at first, but then they loaded her up to take her to the all-night veterinary clinic. Toby felt as if his guts were being squeezed, and Elliot said something, but it was all blurry.

"Toby! I'll meet you there!"

Toby passed out.

*********

Elliot rubbed his forehead. "Well, he won't be worrying if he's unconscious." He shut the ambulance doors and sent them.

"Asshole shot the Santa Dog?"

"Yeah." Elliot wanted to shoot their perp, but he was in a car. "I think she'll be fine. They'll take good care of her. Send him to booking, and let's do a sweep of the building to make sure everyone is okay."

"Elliot!" It was Fin. "You okay?"

"Yeah." Elliot was glad to see him. "Kassie was shot. Some moron was trying to break into Toby's apartment."

Fin looked up the fire escape. "Shit." He frowned. "Elliot, that guy we been hunting for..."

"You think?" Elliot put it all together fast. "Toby's neighbors are a couple." They were running before he finished the sentence.

********

Toby stayed with her, refusing people who tried to get him to leave. She was much braver than he was, but he didn't pass out again. The blood was awful, even terrible, and he hated that they shaved her side. The vet was very young, but he seemed competent. She was staying overnight, and Toby collapsed on the floor near her kennel. She was sleeping peacefully, and he could only watch her.

"Toby! How is she?"

Toby rushed up and hugged Brian, glad to see someone who would understand. "The bullet creased her from one end to the other, like a long stripe. The window cut her up, but she's going to be okay. Some stitches, but she'll be okay."

"Thank God." Brian held him. "Elliot was a wreck on the phone. I told him I'd hurry."

Toby nearly laughed from stress. Elliot was never a wreck. He was always in control of the situation, and he'd sent Brian to help. Brian dug in a bag, and Toby put the clean sweatshirt on fast. He was cold and tired and he really needed to throw up.

"I have blood all over me." It was her blood. He shivered. "She was so brave. I thought he'd kill her and Elliot."

Brian kissed him on the head. "You need some meds. I'm going to take you home for a shower. You can come right back and hold her paw until morning."

Toby didn't like the idea, but she was asleep and likely to stay that way for some time. "Let me check with the vet again." He went to track him down. "You're sure she'll be fine?"

"She's a very tough dog. We gave her a unit of blood, and the IV is doing her good. She'll be on antibiotics for ten days, but she's going to be fine."

"I'll be back in a few hours." Toby tried to feel reassured. He collected Brian, went outside, and threw up by the car. Brian rubbed Toby's back and got him to sit down. Toby shivered. He felt slightly ridiculous, but the stress was hitting him now. "I told her to attack. I nearly got her killed."

Brian got the car started and turned on the heater. "Why'd you do it?"

Toby saw it all again. "He had a gun. All I could think of was that Elliot might be shot. I nearly got her killed."

"Toby, shut up a minute. She did exactly what she was trained to do. You were scared for Elliot." Brian was driving fast. "You did the right thing."

Toby doubted it. He never did. Shivering, he clutched his arms. Brian got him out of the car, and they both stopped in shock. There were police everywhere.

"Can't go inside. It's a crime scene."

"I live here." Toby could tell the cop didn't care. He opened his phone and called Elliot.

"Stabler."

"Where are you?" Toby tried to use Brian to block the wind.

"In your neighbor's apartment, working a crime scene." Elliot paused. "Is Kassie okay?"

"Yes. I'm outside. I need a shower, and they won't let me in." Toby shut his phone. He knew Elliot would be down and he was, quickly. Elliot got them past the tape, and they went upstairs to his place.

"What a mess!" Brian got out his phone. "Elliot, we're going to freeze to death."

Elliot seemed to agree. "I'll call Alex."

Toby shut the door of his bathroom and sat down on the toilet. He needed a minute or two.

*********

"He okay?" Elliot pointed at the bathroom door.

"He threw up. He's covered in her blood. He was terrified that you'd be shot, and then his dog was. Uh, no, he's a disaster." Brian looked stunned also. "What the hell happened?"

"Long story." Elliot wasn't going into it. He had enough on his plate right now. "Stay with him. He'll be fine once she gets home." He called Alex, explained the situation, and went back to his crime scene. Thank God for Kassie, or this would be another homicide and rape, and it would have happened while he was next door, drinking coffee. She deserved a medal. Of course, she'd rather have a cookie.

*********

Toby made Brian go home to Rusty. Everything was okay. She had woken up from the anesthetic just fine and gone back to sleep after licking him. He sat on the floor by her kennel with the door open. Someone had frowned at him, but he refused to care.

Elliot came striding up fast and pulled Toby to his feet. It was a shock. "We have a situation."

"Is that her?" There was a barrage of flashes and one live camera rolling. Toby eased further out of the way, turned his back, and let Elliot handle it. His brain was still in meltdown from last night.

"What's her condition? Will she live? Was she shot? What can you tell us, Detective?"

Toby took another step away, and Elliot ran the show. Before it was over, Cragen was there talking, and some other cops in suits were too. Toby caught some of it, but he was pushed to the back by the press, and he trusted Elliot enough to let it happen.

"This is ridiculous," the vet muttered. He changed his tune when he was interviewed for a live update on the Santa Dog's condition. Toby couldn't decide whether to laugh or start kicking some ass from frustration. She was famous. Well, she was a great dog, but he hoped it all didn't go to her head, and she needed her rest.

His phone rang and he got it. "Hello?" He put his finger in his ear and moved farther away from the noise.

"Toby, it's Friday morning. Where are you?" It was Mabel.

"Ah, shit." Toby hadn't even known it was Friday. Well, he knew, but he hadn't cared. "Mabel, turn the TV in Deakins' office to channel five and then call me back." He hung up and went to sit even farther away. The crowd started clearing out, and his phone rang again.

"Is she okay?" Mabel's voice was stressed. "Wait, they said she was okay. Are you okay?"

"I'm at the vet's, and I won't be in today. We'll see about Monday. I'm not all that good." Toby rubbed his hand through his hair. "Can you handle it down there?"

"You haven't been around that long," Mabel said with real bite. "Take care of that dog, and I'll bring over some chicken soup later."

"Thanks." Toby hung up. He had a feeling the soup was for Kassie. The police herded the last of the press out, and Elliot sat down next to him. "Crazy. Thanks for shoving me out of the way."

"I didn't think you'd want 'Ex-Con's Dog Mauls Suspect' on the front page of the Times." Elliot grinned, but it was gone fast. "Holding up?"

Toby nodded. He went back to Kassie and sat down next to her. She looked slightly confused, and he stroked her. She sighed and put her head on his knee.

"Good Kassie."

She was falling asleep. Elliot was gone for a short time and then back, handing Toby some coffee. "I have a shitload of paperwork to do, but when she's ready to go, call me. I'll take you both home."

"You sure?"

"Positive. The Chief of D's told me to, and I never screw it up when he gives me an order." Elliot patted her on the head and him on the knee. "Call me. Promise?"

"I promise." Toby drank his coffee. Someone brought him a pad to sit on, and he woke up with a start when his phone rang. "Yeah?"

"Oh, my, God! She's famous!" It was Rusty. "Are you okay?"

"Hungry." Toby petted her head. "Can you get Rick to bring me some food?"

"I am on it!" Rusty was gone fast. Toby laughed and noticed that Kassie was awake. "You're famous. What'd you do?"

She didn't know, and he wasn't sure that her biting some asshole that was trying to break into his apartment was all that important, but she was a good dog.

"Next time, call nine one one, okay, dog? Leave it to the experts." Toby hugged her head, careful of the cuts. He fielded four more calls: Alex, who'd nailed a board over his window and cleaned up the glass; Mabel, who was checking in because people were asking questions; Rick, who wanted to know if he could bring something for her; and Elliot, who sounded damn tired.

"Hey, El, you need some sleep."

"You do too." Elliot yawned into the phone. "Is she ready?"

"The vet said maybe around three or four. I'll call, even if Rick is here."

"Don't get me in trouble with the boss." Elliot hung up, and Toby smiled. The vet came back, took out the IV, and examined her thoroughly. Toby waited with his guts in a twist.

"She's doing great." The vet did look pleased. "I want her to rest here for another couple of hours and then you can take her home. Make sure she takes her pills. Wrap them in bacon. Take her to your regular vet in a week to check those stitches, and he'll probably take them out. I called him. He's aware of the situation."

"Thanks. Really." Toby impulsively shook the vet's hand. "How much do I owe you?"

The vet shook his head. "It was our pleasure. She's a police dog, and they get our full support."

Toby shut his jaw with a click. "Thank you." He didn't know what else to say, and the vet was gone with a wave. Toby helped Kassie lie down again, and they looked at each other. She licked him on the hand, and he kissed her on the head. "Damn, bitch, you da dog!"

She smiled in her way and went back to sleep. Rick was there before too long, and Kassie was glad to see him. He had beef stew, and she ate it all. Toby ate his too, and Rick shook his head at them both.

"I'm having her picture hung at the bar."

"She'll want free steak." Toby smiled. He wasn't sure it would match the decor, but she always took a good picture. "Hey, how'd the toy drive finish up? Did you have enough?"

"More than. We have stuff for next year. Elliot kicked ass with Kassie's help. I also heard some weird elf was there." Rick pulled up a chair and sat down. They laughed together, and Toby hugged him in thanks and complete relief. Kassie was going to be fine.

*********

Elliot scrubbed his face hard. It was three, and he was heading to the vet's. Novak caught him before he had his coat on, and he wearily asked, "What now?"

"He pled out." Novak smiled. "His lawyer explained to him that he'd shot the Santa Dog, and he'd be lynched by a jury. Took all of five minutes. We got him on all counts. He seemed glad to go to prison where he'd be safe from thousands of angry children."

Elliot was so relieved that he smiled. "Thank Santa Dog."

"The Chief of D's is planning something." Novak patted him on the shoulder. "Good work, but Elliot, I know she's not yours. Who does she belong to?"

"You don't want to know. Trust me on that." Elliot shook his head. He wasn't telling. "Her owner wants to remain anonymous, and I think we should respect that."

Novak furrowed her brow but shrugged. "Well, he's got a good dog."

"I'll tell him you said that." Elliot smiled, but he thought he might skip it. Toby still didn't like Novak - too much water under that bridge. Elliot had almost made it to the elevator when Cragen caught him.

"Go home." Cragen was insisting. "I'll call if there are any developments you should know about."

Elliot nearly protested, but he was exhausted, and he knew it. "Thanks. Call me." He got to his car before someone else stopped him. Telling Toby the story was going to take forever. It might be easier to let him read about it in the newspaper. Elliot would get them home safe, and he wasn't leaving unless the precinct burned down.

********

Toby wanted to ride on Elliot's lap, but he got in back with Kassie. She was walking a little funny, but she was alert and seemed happy to get the hell out of there. Toby didn't know where to touch her and wanted to cry when she whined.

"Toby, no throwing up in my car." Elliot drove faster. "She's doing okay."

"I hate seeing her hurt," Toby said. He knew he sounded stupid. "Hey, why the fuck didn't you shoot that stupid fucker?"

Elliot sighed loudly. "The anger arrives. I knew it was a matter of time. Toby, I might have shot her, and anyway, she had it under control."

Toby glared. That was a pretty good answer, but still, she'd been shot. "Poor baby."

"Oh, I'm fine. Thanks." Elliot rolled his eyes and parked the car. "Want me to carry her up?"

"Will you?" Toby got her out, and she peed in her usual spot. She was moving stiffly, and he did want to help her up the stairs. Elliot looked at him as if he were a complete moron.

Toby unlocked the door, and he let her go first. She seemed confused, but he made her go slow. "I should check her stitches."

"I need a beer." Elliot went up without stopping. Toby wanted to kick him in the ass.

"You're minimizing her pain!" He stopped and realized that he sounded deranged. "Have we slept lately?"

"No. Open the damn door." Elliot went straight to the sofa. Toby filled her water dish, and then made her lie on the bed. She stared at the wood board over the window for one second and then put her head down and went to sleep. Toby stroked her head for a few minutes. She was okay, and he was hopelessly dependent on her. He never did anything like a normal person.

"Sleep for eight hours. It'll seem better." Elliot sounded groggy.

Toby pushed off his shoes and took that advice. He made sure not to touch her, and he slept soundly until there was a knock on the door. Getting it seemed to take forever.

"You look awful." Mabel came inside and put a pot of soup on the stove. "I made enough for both of you. Is that Elliot?"

"I think he's dead." Toby hugged her. He needed it, and for once, she didn't give him a sour look. "Thanks. You're a nurse. Will you check her stitches?"

Mabel marched over to Kassie and took a long look. "It's good work. Her fur will grow back fast. She was very brave."

Toby thought so too. "Everything go okay today?"

"Of course. Everyone stood around talking about Kassie instead of working, but we got it done." Mabel smiled and gave him a hug. "You're not hurt?"

"A few scratches from the glass, but nothing major." Toby was glad for that hug. "Thanks. Did I ever thank you?"

"Once or twice." Mabel left with a small wave, and he was so glad she was in his life. He had lucked out there. The soup smelled good, and he put the fire on low. Kassie was looking at him, and he went to her. She nudged him, and he found her rope. She took it and smiled. He knew then that she would be fine.

"Never, ever do that again. I don't care what I say," Toby fussed at her. "I'm an idiot. Okay? No more heroics."

She put her head in his lap. That wasn't much of a promise, and he knew he'd do it again if Elliot was in danger, and he would feel terrible and he might throw up, but he wouldn't hesitate. "Sorry," he whispered. She shut her eyes. Maybe she understood.

*********

Elliot's phone rang and he had to look a minute before he found it. "Stabler." He tried to sound awake.

"Brass wants the dog at One PP at two p.m. Can you do it?" It was Cragen.

"I'll call you back." Elliot hung up and padded to the bathroom. He pissed, washed his hands, and threw water on his face. Checking the time, he was surprised it was still the morning. He'd slept like a rock. He dried off and went out. Toby and Kassie came in the door. He was babying her, but Elliot didn't say anything. His shins weren't in the mood to be kicked.

"How is she?"

"Stiff and sore." Toby got her water and food, but he put something on it that looked like soup. "You?"

"Tired." Elliot stretched. "Cragen called. They want her at One Police Plaza by two. Can we do it?"

Toby frowned down at her, watching her eat. "She isn't exactly at her best."

Elliot wasn't either, and he'd have to go home and put on his dress uniform. "I think she can make it."

"You'll watch her?" Toby stepped close, and Elliot knew he had a choice, and he reached for him. They held each other loosely, and Elliot felt him quiver.

"We're okay." Elliot had a feeling that was the thing to say. "And Kassie is a real hero. Let's give her the moment."

Toby leaned back but didn't let go. "I don't get it. He was some fuckhead trying to break into my apartment. What's the big deal?"

Elliot took him to the sofa and sat down with him. It was time to explain it. "No. He was the reason I'd been putting in so many hours lately. He targeted couples, raping the woman and killing the man, after doing a bunch of stuff that you don't want to know about and I wish I didn't. High profile case, lots of press, and Kassie gets the arrest."

Toby went completely white. "My neighbors?"

"Are fine." Elliot kept his arm around him. "Kassie saw him go by on the fire escape. He broke their window and--"

"She went out mine. Are they okay?"

Elliot smiled to reassure him. "They were shocked, upset, but fine. Kassie saved their lives."

"Wow." Toby leaned against him. "Okay. We'll take her, but I'm staying out of it."

"Good plan." Elliot hugged him. It had been a rough night. "I told Novak that the owner preferred to remain anonymous."

"Thanks." Toby looked up a little, and Elliot kissed him. He didn't mean to, it just happened. After ten years, or what seemed like it, he pulled away. Toby groaned. "You gotta stop that or you're going to have to take me to bed."

Elliot knew he wasn't ready for that. "Really?"

"No." Toby was watching Kassie. "I don't want her to get cold."

Elliot opened his phone and told Cragen it was fine. Cragen only had one thing to say, "Dress."

"Got it." Elliot took a long stretch. He had to wake up. "You're coming with me. Hide somewhere."

"I'll wear a ski mask." Toby's eyes sparkled blue.

Elliot laughed. "Moron."

********

Toby sat on the floor in Elliot's living room and brushed her fur carefully, glad the blood was gone. "You listen to Elliot, okay?"

Kassie licked him, and he put her badge on her collar. Elliot patted him on the head. "I promise major cookies when we're done."

"I'll need them." Toby got up off the floor, stretching and groaning. "Want your brush back?"

Elliot stared. "I'll put it in the dishwasher."

Toby giggled. He was feeling the stress. "Elliot, you look like one of my wet dreams. Draw your gun and try to get out of here alive."

"We have to go." Elliot pointed at the garage. "Now."

Toby regretted that, but he followed him out to the car. With any luck, it would be a short ceremony, and they could go make out. The place was packed with cops and press and he told Kassie to go with Elliot and then faded to the very back. Elliot looked very handsome, and Kassie seemed to know it was a big deal. She was playing it cool, no prancing today.

"Dad?"

Toby didn't look in the direction of the voice. He leaned against the wall and watched his dog. She was doing fine.

"Tobias Beecher!"

Toby jerked and looked around. "What?" he asked, but he didn't see a face he recognized. A blonde woman stepped right in front of him. She was pretty, but she was in the way. He was going to ask her to move when it all hit him. The past and the now jumbled together, and he gasped, "Holly?"

"Dad," she said and hugged him. He needed to put his head between his knees, but the wall held him up. Everyone started cheering, and he held her as if she might fade away. Kassie let out a long howl, and he saw her through blurry eyes. Holly pulled away, and he let her go, but not far.

"I saw your picture in the paper, and I prayed you'd be here."

Toby didn't understand. He held her hand tightly. The crowd was pushing and loud, and it seemed as if it was over, and he couldn't lose her. He heard Kassie howl again, and he thought maybe he'd crack his head open on the floor. Holly smiled, and they found a bench. Toby stood on it and looked for Kassie.

"Shazam!" he said loudly. Holly gaped, and he was glad to see Kassie pull Elliot into view.

"Toby, go wait in the car," Elliot snapped.

"No. She's howling." Toby took the leash firmly in his hand. Elliot stepped in front of him, and Toby let them continue to greet people. Kassie licked his face twice and Holly's once. Toby pulled Holly close and whispered, "That's Kassie."

"Everyone in Manhattan knows about her." Holly held out the newspaper. There was a picture from the vet's office. Elliot and Kassie were prominent, but Toby was in the background. Toby didn't understand why she was here, but he didn't care. She was here.

"I thought--"

Holly put her hand over his mouth. "We were told you'd be released next year. I saw your picture and freaked out."

Toby hugged her again. He hoped this wasn't a dream. "You cared a little?"

"Dad, we always cared, but it was too dangerous. There were threats. Harry lives in San Diego with Grandma." Holly kissed him on the cheek. "I'm going to college here at Hudson. Angus lives in Paris."

"Paris?" Toby was having a hard time with all of this. He rubbed his face and prayed she wouldn't vanish. "Hudson University?"

Elliot turned and thumped him on the head. "Try to keep up!"

Holly giggled. "Who is that?" she whispered. "I mean, I know who he is, but why is he smacking you?"

"It's Elliot's job." Toby surveyed the crowd. It was time to leave. The press was gone, and he emerged from behind Elliot to find himself face-to-face with Casey Novak. "Good afternoon, counselor."

"Beecher." Novak narrowed her eyes and said his name like an insult. "Are you here to throw stones?"

"Miss Novak, I think the Chief of D's is looking for you," Elliot said.

Toby didn't appreciate the lame attempt to run interference. "Kassie, we're leaving. You're better than this crowd." He kept one hand on the leash and the other around Holly's hand. "Much better."

Novak looked spitting mad, and Toby ignored Elliot completely. Holly didn't fight or pull and neither did Kassie. They went out and found a cab almost instantly.

"Santa Dog!" The cabbie grinned.

Toby gave the address for home. "Do you have a car?"

"Of course not." Holly was hugging Kassie, and they both looked smug as hell.

Toby's phone rang. "What?"

"Thanks. A damn lot." Elliot didn't sound happy. "Who was that woman?"

"My daughter." Toby smiled at the beautiful words. "We're going to my place. Kassie is done for the day."

Elliot sighed. "Later."

Toby hung up. Yeah, later he'd get yelled at, but right now he had his two girls, and he wanted to hold them. Holly was looking at the medal. "Kassie is a hero."

"Seems that way. Of course, if they find out that I own her, she'll be kicked to the curb." Toby stroked her and kept his hand on his daughter. "Good girl. Good girl."

Kassie sneezed. Toby and Holly laughed.

*********

"I told you that you didn't want to know." Elliot refused to get angry. Not yet.

Novak drew herself up tall on her high heels. "I thought your department had severed all ties with him. He's an ex-con!"

Elliot tucked his hat under his arm. "He's a friend of mine who runs a food bank. That's what he is, and Kassie is his dog. He told Kassie to attack and probably saved my ass."

"If we'd have known--"

"What? You'd have had him arrested for assault and had Santa Dog put to sleep?" Elliot took one step closer and lowered his voice. God forbid the press heard any of this. "I told Toby to stay out of here. He paid his debt. He deserves a fresh start, but a lot of cops don't see it that way."

Novak shook her head. "For a reason!"

"He's not a pedophile. He's an alcoholic. Now, you march right over there and explain to Cragen why he shouldn't have his job." Elliot wasn't backing down, not this time. "You've trusted Olivia's judgment hundreds of times. How about mine just once?"

"That's not fair." Novak looked nervously at Cragen, who was that much closer. "You were sure he was a killer."

"I freely admit that I was wrong. Toby is doing his best to make this city a better place. I'm not going to slap him around, and I like his dog. Fire me for it." Elliot knew his temper was going fast.

Cragen spoke softly, but he was easy to hear. "Counselor, I was well aware of the facts in this case. It's Christmas, and the city needed a hero. Luckily, Kassie really is one. There is no problem here."

Novak seemed to shrink in on herself. "It's your squad."

"It certainly is."

Cragen shook Elliot's hand as Novak walked away. "She'll keep it to herself. I'm not sure about your judgment in this matter, but I do trust you."

"Thank you." Elliot was relieved. "And thank you for not giving me a commendation. It was nothing but dumb luck."

"I know." Cragen smiled. "Your job was to hold the dog. Good work."

Elliot laughed. He should've known that Cragen would be up to speed. "Now, that hurt. Okay, I'm going to get out of this monkey suit."

"Do that, and Elliot, thank Mr. Beecher for me, but remind him that lying low is the better part of valor." Cragen went to talk to the chief, and Elliot retreated. He couldn't fight the system, but he hadn't rolled over either. He'd take it as a win.

*********

Toby couldn't stop staring. "Tell me everything. Start from when you were four."

"That would take forever." Holly was on the sofa, and Kassie's head was in her lap. Toby wanted to pace, but he sat in Elliot's chair. Holly smiled at him, and she was so beautiful. "How long have you been out?"

"A little over a year." Toby got her a soda and one for himself. "I had a rough time at first, but I've done better lately."

"I love this place." Holly kissed Kassie. "And well, you own Santa Dog."

Toby laughed. He was light-headed, almost giddy with joy. "Where do you live?"

"On campus. I'm a freshman and started the fall semester. I've been living in Paris with Angus." She was so beautiful. "I can't believe I found you."

"I can't believe it either." Toby had thought they were hiding from him, and while they were hiding, it wasn't from him, and she had said they were going to come get him. He hoped he could believe that. "Why'd you think next year?"

"That's what they told us." Holly looked disgusted. "I guess I should've camped outside Oz."

Toby didn't laugh. "It was early release. I agreed to a few conditions, and they let me go."

"I'm glad for you, but still not happy. You must have thought we hated you."

"No," Toby lied, and he tried to do it very well. "You had to save yourself from Oz, and I don't blame you for that." That part was true. He felt so awkward and afraid that she would suddenly discover who he really was and run away. "Could I have the number of your cell?"

Holly smiled big. "Don't worry. You aren't getting away. Unless, uh, you want to."

"Like hell." Toby got up and kissed her on the forehead. "Kassie won't let you leave."

"Good girl." Holly hugged her.

********

Elliot didn't know what was going on at Toby's, but it was time to find out, and he was lucky that the neighbors were coming home when he got there. They were happy to let him inside, and he made sure they were doing okay before tapping on Toby's door.

Toby let him inside. "Still have a job?"

"So far." Elliot almost rubbed his eyes. Kassie was in someone else's lap. She was a one man dog, and it was a shock. "Cragen knew everything. He said to lay low, but I don't think it's a problem."

"I like your boss. In fact, I liked him before I liked you." Toby pulled him all the way inside. "Holly Beecher, this is my friend, Elliot Stabler. He's a cop, but I try not to hold it against him."

Elliot went to her and stuck out his hand. "Nice to meet you."

Holly shook Elliot's hand. "I'd get up but she's heavy."

"It's okay. She needs her rest." Elliot patted Kassie on the head and slipped her a treat. He knew he should leave, but curiosity kept him in the room. Toby looked very nervous, and Elliot didn't think hugging him was a good idea. "Did you eat?"

"Not yet." Toby slipped his hand through his hair. "She saw me in the newspaper."

Elliot saw it on the coffee table and picked it up. "Wow, Kassie looks great!" He had to make a joke. Toby was on the edge. "Wait, that's me."

Holly laughed, and Toby managed a small smile. "Elliot is a comedian, when he's not busting heads."

Elliot tried to smile charmingly. "Toby's pretty funny too, but he will kick you in the shin."

"Dad!" Holly covered Kassie's ears. "She's heard enough."

Toby's phone rang and he got it. "Hello?"

Elliot looked at Holly and shrugged.

"No. Please!" Toby shut his phone and put his head in his hands.

"Let me translate that for you, Holly." Elliot tried not to smile at Toby's distress. "Brian and Rusty are coming over, with God only knows how many other people, and there'll be food and music and dog treats."

"A party?" Holly looked amazed. "Wow, Dad, I'd have never guessed. You were always so…"

"Drunk?" Toby got to his feet. "Holly, run for your life. My friends are insane."

Elliot saw Holly's slight flinch. She'd felt that in her gut. He had to say something. "Toby, your best friend is a seventy-year-old grandmother. I think Holly can handle it."

"Seventy?" Holly smothered a giggle. "This is all so much. I think I'm giddy."

"Me too." Toby hugged her around the dog. "Thanks."

Elliot thought he might get a little teary-eyed, so he grabbed his coat to go downstairs and wait for the party at the door. Toby had a family again.

*********

"Rick, she's going to puke." Toby tugged on Rick's sleeve. "And you're cleaning it up."

"Did you see the basket from Pets R Us?" Deakins put his arm around Toby's shoulders. "She's set for life."

Toby had never been so amazed in all of his life. Sure, it was for his dog, but it was generous nonetheless. He groaned as Rick slipped her the treat anyway. She had to be full. Toby looked over at his daughter for the thousandth time in the last hour. "She's so beautiful."

"She's a good dog, but, oh, you mean Holly." Deakins nodded. "She is. I'm so happy for you, Toby. Good from evil, and that man was evil."

"Kassie put the smack down on him," Elliot said. "He was feeling it this morning."

Toby didn't mention that Kassie had too. "She can't wear her medal forever. She might choke."

Elliot rolled his eyes and went back to the food. Toby would kick him later. Today felt like a blur - a big one. Elliot had kissed him and almost made a promise about bed. His daughter had shown up out of the blue and didn't seem to hate him, and his dog was a hero. It felt like Christmas had come early, except for the blood and stitches, panic and horror. He shuddered. Kassie nudged him, went to the door, and he took her out. She sniffed around, and he nearly jumped when Elliot stepped up next to him.

"Okay?" Elliot was close, and it was nice.

Toby leaned against him. It was a big step, but he thought Elliot could handle it. "Someday, I'll have to tell her about the drugs and the death and the fact that I'm more gay now than straight." He tried not to whine, but it was hard. "I was never any kind of father to her."

"Start today and be the best father you can. Don't ever let her down again." Elliot rubbed Toby's arms. "Does it bother you to think of yourself as gay?"

"It's a label, El. It doesn't mean anything unless you put hate behind it." Toby opened the door. Kassie was done, and he didn't want her cold. "The Nazis taught me that the hard way. Love is never wrong," he whispered. They went up together, and Kassie went to her bed, curling up and putting her tail over her nose. Toby smiled, and everyone laughed, but she was done for the night. He was tempted to cover her with a blanket, but she was fine.

"Friend of mine is coming to do that window tomorrow." Alex grinned. "Toby, there's dog dirt on that wall. I may have to hurt you."

"She likes to lay there! She's a dog!" Toby would clean it soon, maybe. He tried to refocus Alex's attention. "Could you ask my neighbors if they need help with their window?"

"Will do." Alex went to talk with them. They'd brought Kassie a basket of dog toys and treats. She was going to get fat.

Holly caught hold of him. "Can I crash here tonight?"

"Don't even try to leave." Toby hugged her again. "Tell me everything about Harry."

They sat, and she chatted about this and that, and he drank in every word. Mabel and Deakins joined them, and everyone gathered around, and Toby actually felt the love. It was more than strange, and he was sure he didn't deserve it. For one second, everyone fell quiet, and they heard Kassie snoring.

"Hard day in the dog world," Brian said. "Okay, we have to go. Bow Wow wants a medal too, so we're stopping by the pet store."

Rusty laughed. "I'm making Kassie a cape that says, 'Superdog!'"

"She'll love that." Toby got to his feet to see them out, but they kissed him on the mouth and left with a cheery wave. He saw Holly hide a stunned look. There was nothing to say about that. She'd have to draw her own conclusions for now. Toby tried not to blush. "Rick, I thought Ramon would come."

"He's stuck at the restaurant, but he promised Kassie a steak." Rick didn't look as if that was going to happen. "Bring Holly for lunch this weekend."

"We don't rate an evening meal?"

"I don't need chaos on my hands as people scramble to see the famous Santa Dog. Who thought up that name anyway? It reeks!" Rick made everyone laugh.

"I like it." Mabel glared, but it was weak. "She's giving out presents the Friday before Christmas at the food bank."

Deakins smiled. "The kids are already running wild."

"I'll make sure she has her costume on." Elliot pointed at Toby. "He thought it was silly."

"I did not! Not much." Toby coughed and then laughed. "Okay, I'm busted, but my outfit was worse."

"Did we get pictures of that?" Deakins asked.

Elliot nodded. "Better. I have posters. I'll make sure you get a dozen or so."

Toby groaned and slumped against his daughter. "They hate me."

"You were a pretty elf!" Alex laughed. Toby glared at Elliot, and Alex kept on talking. "Elliot sent a pic on the email. I forwarded it to everyone in the family."

"Elliot, that's it. You're dead." Toby hit him square in the chest with the rope. "Dead!"

Even Mabel laughed now, and that ended the party. The food was cleaned up, and Toby sent dog treats home with Rick. There were extra. When the place was down to Elliot and Holly, Toby said, "Elliot, I'll walk you out."

Elliot got his coat, and they went downstairs together. Toby caught hold of him at the bottom and rubbed him on the chest. "You earned that rope burn."

"Maybe." Elliot wrapped his arms around him. "It was a good day."

"Better than good." Toby kissed him before he could run away. "I never thought you'd like me."

"Me neither." Elliot tugged Toby's hair. "I knew where you stood from the beginning."

Toby tried not to blush. "I was stoned. Let it go. Drive careful, okay?"

"Okay. See ya later." Elliot was gone out the door, and Toby went back upstairs. Definitely a good day and he had tomorrow.

*********

Elliot made himself scarce. Toby needed time to get to know Holly again, and Christmas time was always a pain in the ass. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. Rush. Rush. Rush.

"Elliot, you have way too much overtime." Cragen was frowning at timesheets. "Go home. There isn't anything here that someone with less can't handle."

Elliot opened his mouth to argue, but caught the sour look that Cragen gave him. "When do you want me back?"

"Next year. Not one second before. Unless I call you." Cragen shook his head and sighed. "It'll help my budget. Hey, have you seen the dog lately?"

"No, but I'm sure she's fine." Elliot had wanted to check on her, but the excuses not to go over there were too easy. "You sure about this?"

"Goodbye and Happy New Year." Cragen turned to sign something, and Elliot started cleaning up his desk. He did want to see his kids, and Kathy was being more reasonable lately. Going home wasn't that bad of an idea. He could use a break.

*********

Toby looked around the pantry and was satisfied. They were ready for Friday. It was going to be a mad house, but fun. Skipping Monday had made it easier, but they would have twice the amount of traffic since everyone was coming on the same day.

"We're ready," Mabel said. "Don't worry."

"At least Kassie isn't in heat." Toby had a lot of misgivings about Christmas this year. He had never been a family man, and he was sure that he'd still fail miserably at it. Hopefully, Holly didn't expect much. "Do you think we had a good year?"

"Very. We're feeding more families than ever and spending less to do it. You should be proud." Mabel had never actually complimented him, and he took a minute to enjoy it. He hoped he was doing a good job, but he was never sure.

"I am proud, mostly of our volunteers." He sat down a chair and waited for her to join him. "And that brings me to this: I want to have an appreciation luncheon for them between Christmas and New Year's. We'll end the year by saying thank you."

Mabel looked at him so seriously. She was probably already planning the menu. "That's a nice idea. Did you clear it with Pastor Deakins?"

"I did. I think I've arranged everything." Toby had intentionally left her out of the planning. She had enough to do. "I'll be passing out invitations on Friday."

"I don't have to cook?" Mabel frowned and got to her feet. Toby trailed her back to their coats.

"Bring Ralph. That's your job." Toby wiggled his eyebrows at her and knew she was thinking about smacking him.

She sighed. "When things settle down, Ralph and I may tie the knot."

Toby put his hand on his heart. "Oh. My. God. That is so romantic! Rusty's gonna die!" Mabel laughed with him. He dropped his hand on Kassie's head. "Kassie and I are thinking of a June wedding."

"Kassie will look great in white," Deakins said, poking his head out of his office. "Are you ready for Friday?"

"Yep." Toby put on his coat and gloves. "And I know Elliot sent you a poster. If I see it, I'll find a way to hurt you."

Mabel and Deakins exchanged a sly look. "We'd never."

"Right. Come on, dog, before I make you bite them." Toby zipped his coat, and they hurried. The snow had melted away in the rain and now it was wet and miserable. The wind tried to strip Kassie's fur off, but she didn't seem to care. He got out his keys fast and flinched in surprise when someone he was angry with put a hand on his arm. Kassie jumped inside and began shaking.

"Well, what?" Toby had counted each day that he hadn't seen him, and every one of them had felt like a stab with a shank.

Elliot didn't look happy about that question. "I thought you might want to--"

"What? Hang out? Kiss you? Be your friend?" Toby laced his voice with scorn. He hadn't meant to get angry, but it hurt that Elliot only showed up once in a blue moon. "I thought we shared something. I must have been wrong again."

"We gonna talk about this on the street?" Elliot's face was thunderous.

"No." Toby slammed the door in Elliot's angry face. His pride was making him do something stupid, but he wasn't a squeaky toy. Elliot couldn't use him and then push him aside when the shame became too much. Not this time - God damn it. Toby caught Kassie's look.

"He wants it all his way. I'm sick of it. Yes, I know it's Christmas, and I'm supposed to be nice, but he's making me crazy!"

Kassie followed him upstairs, and she didn't have any advice for him. He got her fresh water and started picking up the apartment. He'd been busy enough that it was a mess. "Kassie, this is ridiculous. You can't leave your toys everywhere."

She came over and shoved her dripping wet nose in his hand. "And that was gross, which you know. I'll put them back in the basket by your bed, but next time you'll be doing it." He didn't have much hope. She was a slob. He moved the sofa and found a rawhide chew. "Yuck."

She grabbed it and took it to her bed. He sighed. "How did I come to this place?"

"By way of Oz," Elliot said as he came in the door. "Are you through being an asswipe?"

"Probably not." Toby threw a squeaky toy at Elliot's head and didn't bother to ask how he'd gotten inside the building. "You didn't even return my call!"

Elliot frowned. "Didn't get it." He tossed the toy to Kassie. "We've both been busy, and I knew you wanted time to pamper her."

"Oh, bull fucking shit." Toby put the sofa back and lifted Elliot's chair. He found another toy and tossed it in her basket. "You were scared like teenage boys in Oz and ran for your life. Don't lie to me."

Elliot put his hands on his hips. "I'm not scared."

"Are you telling me or yourself?" Toby sighed with frustration. "And the dog you forced on me has taken over my life!"

"You let her." Elliot went to her bed, squatted down, and stroked her head. "How are you, girl? Feeling good? Your fur looks a little better. Got your stitches out, huh?"

Toby wanted to kick Elliot in the ass. "I know you love her, but what about me? Are you so freaked out that you can't even call me to tell me that you're not dead?"

Elliot ignored all of that. He was murmuring to the dog and petting her. Toby got out the vacuum cleaner and ran the attachment over the sofa. He picked up a dog's worth of hair every day or two. Turning it off, he bumped right into Elliot.

"How's your daughter?" Elliot wasn't backing away.

Toby nearly fell on the sofa, but he stood straight and nearly shut his eyes from longing. "Finishing up her finals today. She's fine, even good."

"And your son?"

"I sent him a gift for Christmas." Toby had spoken to him several times, but they were truly strangers, connected only by blood. "What do you want for Christmas?"

"Some quiet." Elliot reached out, and Toby watched the hand land on his shoulder. "I'm surprised you let Holly out of your sight."

"She has a life. I didn't want to push myself on her." The strength in Toby's voice faded away as he realized what Elliot's eyes were telling him. "You don't get to use that excuse. We were supposed to be friends!"

Elliot's hand trailed down Toby's arm. "That was the plan. I knew it was bullshit from the beginning, but I tried."

Toby sighed at Elliot's quiet words - they were slightly tinged with desperation. "So, you checked on the dog. She's fine. Go on home, friend."

"You're not going to shut up and make this easy, are you?" Elliot wasn't glaring, but he might any minute.

Toby shook his head. He couldn't. It was too important to him. Elliot was too important to him. "I'm not. If you don't want this, stop kissing me!"

Elliot moved away from him, getting a soda and sitting in his chair. Toby figured that was the end of that conversation. Nothing had been resolved and nothing ever would be, but he'd take what little dribbles that he could get because he was a needy bitch. He went ahead and vacuumed the rest of the place. After putting it away, he loaded the little dishwasher.

"Did you keep your appointment with Dr. Huang?" Elliot asked when Toby was finished.

Toby wiped down the cabinets, grabbed a soda, and went to sit on the couch. Kassie beat him there. She dug her head into his lap, and he pushed at her. "He called and told me not to bring Kassie. I told him to fuck off and hung up."

"Bad day, huh?" Elliot looked half-asleep. It might even be true.

"He had the misfortune to call the day Kassie had her stitches out." Toby didn't feel guilty about it. Getting shrunk could wait another week or two. "I was a little stressed. I'll call and reschedule after Christmas."

Elliot took a drink of soda and then looked at him. "The precinct isn't entirely safe for you, and you know that. Cops have long memories. You can take a push or two, but Kassie might hurt someone."

Toby did know that, and he didn't want to meet Huang there, but no one was coming up with any other solutions. "So, fix it for me or tell Huang to forget it, friend."

Elliot groaned. He got to his feet and disappeared into the bathroom. Kassie sighed and put her head down, and Toby felt the same way. He was also willing to whine, if it would help Elliot make up his mind. Elliot came out and stood with his hands on his hips. He looked as if he had something to say, and Toby wasn't sure he wanted to hear the verdict. It was Christmas. No reason to ruin it. All this shit could wait until say, two years from now.

"Did you get tested?"

Toby wasn't expecting that. "Yes. I was negative."

"Did you repeat it?" Elliot's voice was very firm.

"Uh, no, but I guess I could. I don't know if it's been long enough. I'll have to call." Toby wasn't sure they should be discussing this since they were only friends and likely to stay that way until he was old and grey and his dick was shriveled.

Elliot nodded. "Do that. And we're going to need drapes on the windows."

"Ah, fuck." Toby buried his head in Kassie's fur. His dick was hard and he wanted to pant at the mere hint of things to come. "Should I start a list?"

"When you meet with Huang, I'll keep Kassie." Elliot went back to his chair. "Have we talked enough?"

"It's a start," Toby said cautiously. He still wasn't sure about Huang, but it might be workable, and he'd call the clinic. "Come on, Kassie, we're going shopping."

*********

Elliot planned on going home. It wasn't that he had to work the next morning, but spending the night wasn't a good idea any longer. Things had moved to the point that Kassie might be angry with him for dumping her on the floor.

After dinner, he was leaving. That was the plan.

"Blue? Or green?" Toby was staring at a rack of drapes.

"Don't care. If you wanted an opinion, you should've brought Rusty." Elliot found a spot to lean and convinced Kassie to come over so he could pet her. "You as bored as I am, Kassie?"

"I heard that." Toby was getting out his phone. Elliot settled in to wait. He could help put up the hardware, but picking them out was asking too much.

"If I knew what I was doing, I wouldn't have called you!"

Elliot hid his smirk, but Toby never missed much.

"Ah, shit. I don't want to wait." Toby groaned. "Rusty. No, don't come--. Fuck. He hung up."

"Ice cream shop next door." Elliot mentioned it casually. "Kassie, do you like ice cream?"

She wagged her tail and pranced over to Toby. Toby rubbed his forehead. "We'll wait there. He'll probably arrive with a parade."

Elliot started walking, and he wasn't coming back. Rusty could handle it. Hiding was the best thing for all of them. Toby got them ice cream while Elliot sat at a table with Kassie. It was too cold outside for ice cream, but it was still good. Kassie wasn't complaining.

"You ready for tomorrow?" Elliot asked. He knew Friday was the big day at the food bank, but he hadn't decided whether he was going to help out or not.

"I hope. Mabel says we are." Toby was playing with his ice cream, not really eating it. "Holly is going to help. She said she wanted to."

"Good for her." Elliot made up his mind to stay away. "So, you'll be together for Christmas?" He made it a question because Toby didn't look near happy enough.

Toby shrugged. "She's going to Paris to be with Angus and his family."

"So go with her." Elliot stated the obvious. He might not if it were him, but this was Toby.

Toby shook his head and gave his ice cream to Kassie. "I don't have a passport, there's not enough time to get one, and I don't think Angus wants to see me."

"He blames you?"

"I blame me, so I imagine he does too." Toby wasn't joking about that.

Elliot didn't think he knew exactly what Toby was talking about, so it might be time to shut up. "There's Rusty. He must have flown here."

"You coming?" Toby looked as if he knew the answer. "Kassie, stay with Elliot."

Elliot smiled and watched him go. If Angus didn't want to see Toby, the guy was an idiot. All those years lost in Oz, and he wanted to pile on more? Not very smart, but there were some things that were unforgivable. Elliot could only wonder what Toby had done that he blamed himself for, because asking was out of the question.

"You know what's going on, Kassie?"

She sat up and eyed his ice cream. He wasn't giving it to her.

********

"Toby, darling, you've got to try to use your gay instincts. Pleats are so last year."

"Rusty, my sweet boy, I've been in prison!" Toby snapped. His mind was stuck on the conversation about Angus. Every time Toby mentioned him, Holly clammed up, and that was bad. She'd said that Angus was fine, he was married, and they had a little girl. That was it. What they were doing in Paris was a good question, but Toby wasn't brave enough to ask it.

"Okay, I give up on you. Buy this, and this, and these."

"Thank you, Rusty." Toby put everything in the super fancy cart that was ridiculous. "I love you."

"Of course you do." Rusty paused. "Oh, and these."

"I'll need her costume for tomorrow." Toby wrapped his arm around him to apologize for yelling. "I hope you burned mine."

Rusty giggled. "I found some use for it. Is Holly coming tomorrow?"

"Yes." Toby wasn't at all sure about the color, but he wasn't the expert. "Why?"

"If I weren't gay, I'd marry your daughter. She's smoking hot sexy."

"Say that again and I will hit you in the mouth after I kick your balls off." Toby smiled, but he meant every word. "I promise."

"Got it. I'll warn everyone." Rusty started pushing the cart. "Can I make you buy some new dishes? Yours look like old people."

"Mabel would kick your ass for saying that, and I'd let her." Toby waved his hand though. He didn't care. His biggest expense was dog food. "Let's get Kassie something pretty to eat out of. Her dog dishes are so dull."

Rusty gave him a long look. "You worry me."

"Convince me that Bow Wow doesn't eat off designer plates." Toby narrowed his eyes. He'd been joking, mostly, but he was starting to get serious.

"You win!" Rusty laughed. He put his arm around Toby. "I love shopping, and you need a few things. Please, please, please let me help. You let Alex paint."

Toby rubbed his hand through his hair. "Are you pouting? God save me from pouting, cute gay men."

Rusty stopped and kissed him. "You said I was cute!" He laughed. "This is going to be fun!"

"Elliot is so smart," Toby muttered.

*********

Elliot knew he should run when Rusty came out of the store smiling and laughing. Toby was pushing a very full cart, and it was definitely time to go home. Kassie raced to Toby and jumped up high. He laughed and ran towards the car with Kassie in hot pursuit, abandoning the cart to Elliot.

"I should've gotten him a fish," Elliot whispered, shoving the cart hard to get it moving. Rusty smiled and put his arm around Elliot's waist. That was far too close for comfort, but pushing him away never worked. Rusty was oblivious. He was sure everyone loved him, and mostly, he was right.

"Elliot!"

Elliot felt his balls shrivel up inside his body, but he stopped and waved. "Hey, John."

Munch stared for a long moment. Elliot tried to find words to introduce them, but nothing came out. He edged slightly away from Rusty.

"Hi, I'm Rusty, Elliot's friend." Rusty stuck out his hand.

"John Munch. I work with Elliot." Munch shook Rusty's hand. Elliot struggled to say something. It wasn't happening.

Rusty had plenty to say. "That's a lovely suit. I had no idea that any of Elliot's cop friends had style!"

Elliot coughed. Words finally burst from his mouth. "Did Cragen send you home too?"

"Yes. I'm picking up a few things and heading to Baltimore." Munch had a wicked smile on his face.

Kassie came tearing back past them, and Toby trotted up. "Hi, Munch."

Elliot felt like digging a hole and pulling it over his head. "Have a good holiday, John."

Munch adjusted his hat and didn't take one step away. "So what are you four doing today?"

"Redecorating Toby's place!" Rusty was far too enthusiastic. "Well, Elliot was hiding, and I'm sure he'll ditch us as soon as possible, but Kassie is having a great time."

Munch leaned over and patted her on the head. "I can see that. Elliot, you have a gay holiday."

Toby rolled his eyes. "Gee, that was subtle."

Elliot had to agree, and he was getting the hell out of here before Munch thought of more bad jokes. "Let's go. Kassie has less fur than she should."

They continued to the car, but Elliot looked over his shoulder, and Munch was on the phone.

"He seemed a bit cynical about life." Rusty slapped Toby on the butt.

"Four ex-wives will do that to a guy." Elliot popped the trunk and heartily wished Rusty would keep his hands to himself. Toby unloaded the cart, and Rusty and Kassie got in the back. Elliot sighed. "My career is toast."

Toby slammed the trunk. "Yep. Munch is on the phone telling every cop in Manhattan that you were with a gay, an ex-con, and Santa Dog. You are so fucked!"

Elliot gave up. There was no way he could make Toby understand cop culture. "The part about Kassie isn't so bad," he grumbled. "Get in. I need some aspirin."

*******

Toby fully expected Elliot to shove them out and not drop by for another month as soon as the car stopped. It was a surprise when he helped them carry bags upstairs. Rusty's enthusiasm was overwhelming, and Toby felt like kicking something. Elliot came to mind.

"Don't you have somewhere to be, Elliot?" Toby asked as sarcastically as possible.

Elliot stretched out on the sofa. "Nope, but if you two ladies need help from a man, I'll be right here."

Rusty giggled. "God, he's cute when he's all manly."

"Yeah, so cute I just want to kick him in the balls." Toby opened a box of dishes.

"You're into balls lately. You probably need to get laid. Anything on the horizon?" Rusty wasn't baiting Elliot. Toby could see his friend was genuinely curious. Everyone knew that Elliot was hopelessly straight, even Toby, and he'd kissed him.

"A guy at Le Monde slipped me his number the other day." Toby wasn't joking. He still had it in the pocket of his coat, unsure of what to do about it.

"Alejandro?"

"Sam - the bartender." Toby laughed at Rusty's look of surprise. "Other than that, not much. Ralph says he has a younger sister who would like me, but I'm not holding my breath on that one."

"Ralph? Mabel's boyfriend?" Rusty always knew everything.

Toby nodded and kept on taking out dishes. They were chocolate brown, and he thought he liked them. "Where's Kassie's new stuff?"

Rusty dug them out. "She has good taste. Wait. That was me." He smiled, and Toby grinned back at him. Kassie came over to sniff and didn't seem to mind the new bowls. They did the kitchen first, and Toby packed the old stuff away to go to the thrift store. That done, Rusty put out three new rugs that he said made the place pop, and Toby shrugged. Kassie could lie on them.

"Okay, I'll do the shower curtain and the bathroom stuff and then we'll do the drapes. This place is starting to look good!"

Toby sat down in Elliot's chair and put his feet up. "There is no way you could sleep through Rusty."

Elliot snored. He did, and Toby had the feeling it wasn't faked. It must be a cop thing - able to sleep through anything. Toby took the time to stare at him. Jeans, sweatshirt, socks: all of it was pretty damn nice. The shirt had even rucked up a little, and Toby could see a small patch of belly. The temptation to crawl over there and lick it swept over him and left him with a very hard cock.

Toby tilted his head to the side and tried to see Chris, but it wasn't possible any longer. That was Elliot, and he was all cop - one of the good guys. Toby wasn't good enough to hang around with him, and he really didn't give a damn.

 

If only Elliot would show up more often. Rusty breezed out of the bathroom, and Toby got up to help with the windows. Kassie was very curious, and she got on the bed to watch. Rusty knew exactly what he was doing, and Toby did what he was told. Elliot napped, and he was good at it.

When they were up, Rusty snapped them shut. "Now you can get laid occasionally."

Kassie whined. Toby agreed with that. "I know. It doesn't sound likely. Might as well open them."

Rusty gathered his tools. "Next window. I think this color goes lovely with the blue. You?"

"It's nice." Toby had to say it, or Rusty might kill him. "Thanks for all your hard work."

"It's more fun with Brian. He argues with me." Rusty smiled, dreaming of Brian. "You're not near gay enough. Occasionally, I get the feeling you're only in it for the cute guys."

Toby nearly dropped the hammer on Elliot's head. "Rusty, you never cease to amaze me. Hey, did you ever figure out that Brian rescued your porn collection?"

"Well, duh." Rusty held out his hand for the screwdriver, and Toby handed it over. "Thank God, he had some sense. I had classics in there! Like--"

Toby reached and put his hand over Rusty's mouth. "Not now."

Rusty giggled and put up the other side of the hardware. "Hand me the curtain. I'll give you a couple of movies for when Sam comes over."

Toby wasn't agreeing to that, but prison porn had to be better than the real thing. He felt a sudden prickle on the back of his neck and looked down. Elliot's deep blue eyes were glaring at him. Toby waved and worried that his mouth had suddenly gone dry.

Rusty got the curtain up fast. "Much better. This place is starting to look like someone with taste lives here." He looked around with a small frown on his face. "The light fixtures still reek, that lamp is a nightmare, and I'm not even discussing the sofa, but that's for another day."

"Thank God," Toby whispered. He went to put his tools away, and Rusty brushed himself off. Rusty was clearly finished as he was putting on his coat and gloves.

"Brian and I will be at the church with Kassie's outfit around nine." Rusty hugged and kissed him. "It was fun! Bye!"

"Thanks, Rusty." Toby walked him as far as the steps. He tugged him around and gave him a special treat, whispering in Rusty's ear about a certain adventure in the laundry room. When he was done, Rusty straightened his coat, opened his mouth to say something, and then dashed down the stairs with a wave. Toby smiled. Brian had a nice surprise coming his way.

"Pizza?" Elliot asked.

Toby groaned and shut the door behind him. "Now, you have to order it. Kassie heard you. Pizza is her favorite food group."

Kassie was sitting by Elliot's feet, begging for all she was worth and the pizza wasn't even here yet. Elliot patted her on the head. "I'm thinking hamburger for you."

Toby cleaned up Rusty's mess while Elliot ordered. The place did look better. He went to check out the bathroom, and it was nicer. He'd admit it. Bagging up the trash took a minute, and he hauled it down to the dumpster. Kassie peed and pranced around. She knew pizza was coming. It was too cold to stay out long, and he went back upstairs with one thought foremost in his mind - a kiss. One would be enough. He wasn't going to take no for an answer. Well, that was a lie, but he could pretend.

"You never told me how you met them."

Toby rubbed his arms and moved in for the kill. He sat down on the sofa and tried to find some spit in his mouth to lick his lips. Moron really was a good word for him. "If you remember, that stupid drug dog ate all my clothes, and I just walked, trying to think of a way to keep my ass out of prison. I ended up outside their shop. Rusty asked me if I was looking for St. Mark's, but Brian spotted my Rolex and they agreed to help me with a new wardrobe."

"The beginning of a beautiful and strange friendship." Elliot was looking at him. "You want something?"

"Yes." Toby cleared his throat. "Don't make me ask."

Elliot raised his eyebrows. "And what about Sam?"

"I knew you weren't asleep." Toby scooted closer. He could smell him now, and he wanted it all. He'd settle for a kiss. "Don't ask, don't tell is a common policy among men who spend time kissing."

Elliot didn't look as if that set well with him. "My way or the highway is the saying around the Stabler household."

Toby reached and was so glad when Elliot let him touch. "Which highway?"

"The one that leads to the cemetery." Elliot looked dead serious. Toby hated that he found it sexy, but he was warped that way. He stroked the back of Elliot's neck. He didn't dare pull. Elliot moved slow enough that Toby could have ducked it, but he wouldn't dream of doing that. Time seemed to stop as they kissed, and he kept his eyes open to memorize every detail. It might be a month before he got another one.

********

Elliot tossed his crust to Kassie and considered leaving. He should. That had been the plan.

"I didn't buy you anything for Christmas." Toby seemed to be watching TV and eating, but Elliot had a feeling that it was all a ploy.

"Good." Elliot didn't want anything. Well, that wasn't entirely true. Every drop of his money had gone to his kids, and it still hadn't been enough. There was only so much he could do on his salary, but Dickie was going to like that Playstation.

"Kassie bought you a present, but she ate it." Toby put his plate on the coffee table. His phone rang, and he got it, and Elliot listened without shame.

"I'm going to head to the church around eight thirty. We open the doors at ten." Toby didn't give a clue to who he was talking to. "You'll come here, and we'll walk together?" He sounded so unsure.

"Sounds good. Love ya, bye." Toby tossed his phone. It had to be Holly. "Rick sends his love."

Elliot choked. He sat up fast and coughed hard. Toby patted him on the back. He saw the shitty grin and grabbed hold of him.

"Hey!" Toby protested as Elliot tried to swat him on the ass. Elliot coughed a few more times and then wiped his eyes. Toby laughed, and Kassie shoved between them to make sure this was only play time.

"Asswipe," Elliot growled. He tried to push him on the floor, but Toby had a good grip on him. Kassie whined and nuzzled. "It's okay, Kassie. Play time."

Toby laughed. "Okay, so it was Holly, but that was funny."

Elliot coughed one more time. He blinked and realized Toby's hands were all over him. "I gotta piss." He made sure not to run, and he shut the bathroom behind him. Leaning back, he rubbed his face and tried to find that internal sense of right and wrong that he always relied on. His dick throbbed, threatening to drown out everything else.

He looked in the mirror. "How could I do this?" There wasn't an answer, either in the mirror or in his heart. It was as if he were waiting, simply waiting, to find out the truth about himself. His plan went up in smoke.

*********

Toby put the pizza, what was left of it, in the fridge, and tried not to worry about Elliot hiding in the bathroom. Their hands had been all over each other, pushing and grabbing, and he'd seen the bulge. Elliot had gone to deal with it. Toby didn't think he'd be getting any action soon. He'd get another HIV test, and then maybe Elliot would consider touching him. Maybe. Counting on it would be the act of a fool.

Elliot would do what he wanted, and that could be anything. Toby searched for a reason to send him home. It was early yet, but he did have to get up in the morning. He stopped trying. Elliot would march out and go home any second now.

"Is there pie?"

Toby opened the fridge, instead of gawking with surprise. "Not yet. All I have are dog snacks."

"That's too bad. Does Kassie share?" Elliot chuckled. He was teasing her with the rope, and she loved it. Toby wanted to play to, but he wanted Elliot to dangle something else in front of him. Fuck. He tried to drag his brain out of the gutter, but wasn't very successful. He wandered over to the new drapes, opened them, and stared out. It looked as if it was beginning to snow, and he hoped so. Snow was more fun than rain. Shoving Elliot out of his brain wasn't easy, but he thought about Angus, and that took care of it.

Angus hadn't even sent him an email, and he knew that Holly had given it to him. Not a phone call. Nothing. Brothers, right. He tried not to sigh.

"Why the sad face?" Elliot came over behind him and looked out. "Snow makes you unhappy?"

"Kassie loves snow." Toby shrugged. He shouldn't answer, but he was curious as to what Elliot thought about the situation. "Angus is ten years younger than I am. I don't expect him to forgive me, but a phone call to bitch me out would be nice."

"So call him." Elliot moved around to the closest wall and leaned against it.

Toby didn't have the guts to call international information. "Holly didn't give me the phone number. I hinted around, and she looked upset and changed the subject."

"She's caught in the middle. That ain't good." Elliot stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Why is Angus angry?"

Toby could list all the reasons, but that would take hours, and he was depressed enough about the situation. "Did you love your father?" He saw the cautious concern turn to a brief moment of anger and then Elliot made his face blank. That was really answer enough.

"He was my dad," Elliot said. He tossed the rope up and Kassie caught it.

"Our father was killed inside Oz by a man who hated me. My brother was also shanked. My son was murdered, and my mother didn't last long after I broke my parole and went back inside. Angus has to hate me, and I can't blame him." Toby frowned out at the snow. The words didn't carry the hurt that they used to carry. It was as if time had dulled it away, or maybe that was the drugs. The hate he felt for himself was still there, but some of the pain was less. He'd fucked up and fucked up some more behind bars, but prison forced a man to bend, even break, and he was no exception to the rule. Now. Right now. He was doing better. He loved his daughter and his son, and Oz seemed far away.

Elliot said nothing. The silence was loud. Toby didn't expect understanding or compassion. He knew better, but he needed to talk about it. "I just want to ask him why he put my money in a food bank. His money goes to an account in the Caymans. I'm not angry. I'm curious is all. What the hell was he thinking?"

"Dunno." Elliot stepped behind him and hugged him. Toby leaned back and nearly groaned. He needed this and he was going to enjoy every second of it. Elliot didn't squeeze. "Give it time. Families that are torn apart by violence can heal. It just takes extra effort and time."

Toby knew Elliot saw a lot of it at work. "They were torn apart by me. They're dead because of me. It's easy to get high and forget it all happened. It's damn hard to stay clean and sober and face that truth every day."

Elliot sighed. "I don't have any answers for you, but I don't want you getting high any more. It doesn't solve anything, and if your brother did call, you don't want to be giggling."

"Yeah." Toby could feel Elliot's body heat seeping into his soul. One more second and he was going to do something stupid. He pulled away and closed the drapes, shutting out the real world. "You should go. Will it be another month before I see you again?"

"It wasn't that long." Elliot didn't make a move for the door. "Let's take Kassie for a walk, and then I'll get out of your hair."

Toby couldn't say no. Kassie was already spinning, hitting him with her tail. He got his coat, hat, and gloves, and put on his boots. He didn't have any answers when it came to his family, but things were better than that horrible moment when he'd walked out of Oz alone, catching a bus to New York, and knowing that he had no one. It would be damn easy to blame Angus for all the years he'd gotten high to forget, but he couldn't.

Elliot opened the door, and Toby followed him out into the snow. Kassie romped and played as they walked through the quiet, dark streets. Elliot glanced at him once or twice, but Toby didn't want to know why.

"So, what are you doing with your family?" Toby hoped that Elliot wasn't just going to work through the holiday.

"Christmas dinner is at Alex's place." Elliot didn't sound enthusiastic, but he rarely did. "I'll go to see the kids Christmas morning, and then Kathy is taking the kids to her mom's. I'll head to Alex's at that point. It'll be a crazy day."

Toby was glad Elliot wasn't working. "What's Alex painting now?"

"He's not talking. I think he's embarrassed." Elliot grinned. "Must be some place bad. Or good."

Toby laughed. "Have him tailed. I'm curious now."

Elliot slapped him on the shoulder. "Good idea. We could go out to eat on Christmas Eve, if ya want."

"Elliot, I'm stunned." Toby was. He hadn't expected that. Elliot's smirk registered and Toby said, "I have to buy, don't I?"

"I'm busted. Christmas has sucked me dry again. I was thinking we'd head to Burger King. Let Kassie play in the tubes." Elliot managed to find enough snow to throw it at Kassie. She ate it happily.

Toby laughed, very glad that Elliot was a friend and making up his mind not to complain about it again. If they ended up falling in bed, it would be gravy. "She'd like that." He didn't care where they ate, as long as he wasn't alone. "I'm having a lunch for volunteers December twenty-eighth at the church. You're invited."

"Who's cooking? Rick?" Elliot stopped walking, finding an awning to get under. Toby joined him, and they stared out at the snow.

"Rick books a year in advance. This is his busy season. I won't see him again until April." Toby smiled. It wasn't totally true, but he hadn't presumed to ask him. "Caroline helped me find someone. We'll see if it's good."

"Brian and Rusty?"

"Nosy cop." Toby smiled. "Let's go back. My wrist aches." It did. Chris had left his mark deep in Toby's bones. "But to answer your question: they're going to Brian's mom's house. I guess they've been trying to find some common ground."

Elliot grabbed for Kassie's tail, missed, and chuckled. "Good for them."

Toby agreed. Being alone sucked. He noticed that Elliot was that much closer, and it was nice. Kassie stopped to pee, and they hurried back to the building. Elliot slowed down at the door, and Toby caught him by the arm. "Coffee. I got some good stuff. Come on."

Elliot went with him, and Toby was glad. Coffee would lead to more talk, and then Elliot might crash in his chair. It was possible.

*********

Elliot had said he'd leave, but he didn't intend to, and he turned on the TV to watch some news while Toby puttered with the coffee and cleaned off Kassie's paws.

"Kassie! Hold still! You're filthy!"

Elliot went ahead and laughed at them. Kassie was the boss around here, and she knew it, but Toby did his best.

"Bed! Now! You filthy animal." Toby pointed and snapped his fingers, and Kassie went to flop down with a sigh.

"So she does listen to you." Elliot didn't watch as Toby wiped up the floor. "I thought she was in charge."

 

Toby shot him a glare. "She does too, but I remind her occasionally that I'm the head bitch around here."

Elliot nearly fell on the floor from shock. It sparked a memory. They'd called him 'Bitcher' in prison - like a dog. "You aren't a dog."

"I could drool on you to prove my point." Toby shrugged and fished some mugs out of a cabinet. He didn't look concerned about it, but it was disturbing that he could think of himself that way. Elliot went over to him, not too close, but close enough to touch if he wanted.

"She's a good girl, and you take good care of her. I kinda worried about that. You ain't exactly a dog person." Elliot inhaled the wonderful coffee smell.

Toby glanced at her. "She'll get her puppies." He didn't smile about it. It was more like resignation. "But I have to work out my family issues before she gets to start one."

"Good policy. You might also want a house with a big yard." Elliot took his mug. "Thanks."

"I'll bring them to your house." Toby was daring him to say no. "Mabel says she's marrying Ralph."

Elliot made sure not to drop his coffee. Now that was a shocker. "Does Ralph know?"

Toby laughed and added sugar to his coffee. "No telling. Either way, it's going to be fun to watch."

Elliot took his mug to the sofa. He knew by avoiding his chair that he was asking for company, but he wasn't worried. Toby's eyes were shifting, and Elliot let him think about it, instead of rushing him. Toby suddenly looked right at him. Their eyes met, and Elliot wasn't sure what to do. He waited and wondered what kind of man he'd always been.

*********

Toby wasn't sure what to do, but Elliot wasn't moving so it might have been a small invitation. Elliot also didn't look away. His eyes were that same dark blue that Chris's had been without the murderous spark inside.

"Stay, will ya?" Toby had to ask. He had to know, and he couldn't assume anything.

Elliot bit the inside of his lower lip. He glanced at the dog. "Driving in the snow is dangerous, so, yeah, if you don't mind."

Toby sat down at the other end of the sofa. "Kassie can sleep on her own bed tonight," he said. He watched Elliot closely, looking for any signs of reluctance, but all he saw was acceptance. There definitely wasn't any enthusiasm, but he'd take it.

"You aren't going to lick my tattoo, are ya?" Elliot's eyes gleamed.

Toby smiled and shrugged. "I'll get Kassie to do it. Anyway, I need another test, right?"

Elliot took a deep breath. Toby saw it. "It would be reassuring."

"Good word for it. And you? Have you been tested lately?" Toby only asked because it was fair. He had a feeling that Elliot hadn't been laid in ages.

"Not that long ago. It was negative." Elliot's eyes stayed on his coffee. "Remember the good old days when people just had sex?"

"And made babies and got married because that's what we were supposed to do?" Toby hadn't done that, but Elliot might have.

Elliot nodded and gave a soft sigh. "Nowadays, no one gets married and half the time the grandparents end up raising the child." He put his feet up on the coffee table. "I'm not sure the world is a better place."

Toby wasn't either, but he couldn't throw stones. He had screwed up so many things. "My wife killed herself."

Elliot's eyes popped wide open. "I saw that she was deceased, but suicide?"

"She used the car in the garage trick." Toby wasn't sure why he was talking about it. "She said I'd ruined her life. I did. I caused so much death. Is it any wonder that Angus ran?"

"I can't answer that." Elliot shook his head. "You're doing good things now, and that should count for something."

Toby didn't think it did. He finished his coffee and went to rinse out his cup. Kassie was asleep, curled up with her tail across her face. He watched her and tried to push away all the worries away for another day and not tomorrow. Tomorrow, he was going to be too busy to be whining. He had lost nearly everyone, and he didn't want to lose Angus. That was the truth of it, but right now, there was nothing he could do.

"You're right. I have to keep Holly out of the middle." Toby noticed the time. He did have to get some sleep tonight.

Elliot put his cup on the sideboard. He'd shut the TV off already. "She doesn't need that pressure."

Toby pointed at the bathroom. "You first." He almost smiled at the look on Elliot's face. "Chill, El. You've stayed here before, and I have never set the dog on you."

"It's not the dog I worry about." Elliot flicked an eyebrow at him and went to the restroom. While he was in there, Toby changed into some sweats and a wife beater. He took his turn next, and when he came out, Elliot was petting Kassie.

Toby attacked the problem head on. "Bed or sofa? You decide."

"You sleep in your boxers. What's with all the clothes?" Elliot didn't answer the first question. No, he had questions of his own.

"You don't need to see it." Toby couldn't explain why he felt shy on this night. He set his alarm, shut the drapes above the bed, and sat down. "Well?" Elliot couldn't seem to decide, so Toby crawled under the covers. "Shut off that light."

Elliot turned the light off. "Huang told me your sexuality was shaped by prison, that true?"

Toby was damn glad the light was off. He groaned loudly. "Elliot! Shut the fuck up and come to bed. We're going to sleep. That's all!"

"Tell me first." Elliot was taking off his jeans. Toby heard the material slither down, and he suddenly couldn't seem to breathe. Elliot's weight made the bed dip. "Was it?"

"I'll ask Huang when I see him. Elliot, I'm just a guy with a dick. I don't think about shit like that."

Elliot slid under the covers. "Good. I don't either."

Toby thought maybe that was a lie. Elliot had been thinking about it too much, and he was as nervous as a prag on his first night in a Nazi pod. Toby got comfortable and shut his eyes. Sleep was going to be hard - like his dick - but he had to try. This was what he'd wanted for months, but it wasn't like falling into bed with Chris. This was Elliot, and he was struggling to deal with a new idea in his life.

"God, you're warm," Toby muttered. He wasn't sure it was a good thing. Elliot didn't move away, and Toby crumbled. He felt it come up from his gut and tear him to tiny pieces. A soft sound escaped his throat, and Elliot wrapped him close. The dark wasn't enough to keep them from finding each other's mouths, and Toby gasped when Elliot's hand slid under his shirt.

"Don't," Toby whispered. He couldn't take even the simplest touch.

"What?" Elliot asked and pulled completely away.

Toby tugged him back. "I'll touch you, just don't touch me." He knew it sounded freaky, but it was the only way he could do this unless he was high. Rick had understood.

"That doesn't make any sense." Elliot was almost grumbling.

Toby kissed him. "Lie there and enjoy it. Easy." He kissed down Elliot's neck but noticed the lack of enthusiasm.

Elliot suddenly sat up, nudging him away. "I'll go to the sofa. Thanks." He was gone fast, and Toby lay back in complete confusion. His brain spun in circles, and if he so much as touched his dick, he was going to come. Kassie slid her big head onto the bed and begged to get up with him. He couldn't even think, and one second later he dropped to his knees beside the sofa.

"Elliot, did I fuck up?" Toby didn't touch him, but he wanted to throw himself on top and grind.

Elliot sighed and sat up. He rubbed his face. "I'm not sure I can talk about this. Go back to bed. You have a busy day tomorrow."

Toby felt as if he'd been struck across the face. He got off his knees fast. He'd made a big enough fool out of himself for one night. He went back to bed and let Kassie get next to him. She licked him, and he held her close. He didn't even know what he'd done. Sleep seemed impossible, but the alarm woke him up, and he knew he was alone. The apartment was quiet, too quiet. Elliot had walked out on him.

Kassie rubbed her face against him, and he didn't want to get up. He didn't want to ever get up again, and he knew he was as lost as when he'd been mindlessly devoted to Chris Keller. Toby didn't do anything by halves. No, he fell in love so hard that he lost the ability to reason. That was the magic that he loved.

"God helps those that help each other," he muttered to his dog. He had a feeling that he was going to need divine intervention if he were ever going to understand Elliot. Kassie whined, and Toby got up with a groan. She was right. He'd get up and go spend the day with his daughter. Her plane left for Paris tonight, and he would be damn grateful for what he'd received this year.

*********

Elliot left the apartment long before the dawn, not making a sound, and Kassie watched. She didn't whine, which would've woken up Toby, and Elliot was glad. He didn't want to push his way into Toby's day with his daughter. It was cold out, and the snow was a couple of inches deep, and he swept the windows while the car warmed up. He didn't want to leave, but it was for the best, and he understood better now what Rusty and Brian had said about Toby. Toby hated his scars, hated himself, and he couldn't be in a relationship that was equal. He gave all and worried that it wasn't enough.

"Shit," Elliot muttered as he got in the car. He sure as hell didn't know how to fix this, and asking Huang was out of the question. There had to be a way to make him understand, but Elliot didn't know what it was. He wasn't good at talking things to death. Hell, he wasn't good at talking. Kassie was better at communicating than he was, damn it.

*********

Toby found a chair and sat down hard. He reached, pulled the hat off Kassie's head, and she flopped down next to him. There was no way she was as tired as he was. All she'd done was eat cookies and prance around, looking for cookies.

"I didn't expect the press to show up!" Deakins slumped down next to him. "This place was crazy!"

Toby watched his lovely daughter and Mabel. They were talking about him. He was sure of it. "They couldn't resist Santa Dog, and that was fast thinking on your part. Thanks."

"I'm not sure why you want to remain anonymous, but I respect it." Deakins patted her on the head.

"Trust me, it's better this way. No one will believe I'm trying to do better." Toby wasn't going to waste time being angry about it. He knew how the world worked. He watched his daughter help clean up the table where the cookies had been. "She worked hard."

"Like her father." Deakins clapped him on the knee. "Will I see you at Christmas Eve candlelight services?"

"Maybe. I'm a little worried that Kassie will set her tail on fire." Toby wasn't sure about going. He might, but he wouldn't be pushed. "Let's clean up."

Deakins went left, and Toby went right, and Kassie fell asleep. Toby didn't rush. Everyone was still standing around talking, and he wanted to make sure everyone was coming to the luncheon. So far, he hadn't gotten a no. He ended up in the pantry, surveying the destruction.

"Good thing we're not open again until after New Year's Eve!" Mabel wiped her forehead. "You've got a lot of work to do!"

Toby laughed. "Put it all on me, will ya?" He shook his head. "You'd think I run the place!"

"Dad, I think you do. I'm not sure since you hid from the press, but..." Holly looked mischievous. "I can't believe how much food left this building."

"Won't happen again until next year." Toby started flattening empty boxes. "That's why we break the week down into two days and each family is only allowed to come once, unless there's a problem, in which case they have to meet with me."

Mabel smiled at his daughter. "Everyone comes today. It's a big crowd because they bring all the kids and sometimes their husbands."

"It was definitely a party. You guys should be proud." Holly hugged him, and he never wanted to let her go. "I can help clean up."

"Get her a broom," Toby said and dramatically wiped his forehead. "The old man is tired."

Mabel swatted him, handed Holly a push broom, and marched out. He smiled, and his daughter said, "Dad, this is a good thing you're doing."

"It was Angus' idea. Deakins and Mabel set it up, and basically I'm here to clean." Toby refused to take credit. He had done damn little. Holly's eyes pinched a little at the mention of his brother, and Toby touched her arm. "Holly, I love my brother. Don't worry about it."

Holly swiped her hair back out of her face. "You're not angry?"

Toby told the absolute truth and made sure to catch her eyes so she'd believe him. "No. I don't understand all the decisions he made, but I won't fault them. He did his best, and he's my brother."

Holly hugged him again. "I should go help."

"Yeah," Toby whispered. He did punch a few boxes extra hard, but it didn't mean anything. A few trips to the dumpster and the pantry looked better. He saw they were working on tables now, and he went to help. Ralph was in charge of breakdown, and he liked everything put away just so. 

Toby slapped Brian on the ass. "Quit arguing and start hauling. This ain't brain surgery."

Rusty giggled, and Brian glared. They had cut quite a swath today, and the church foundation had shaken once or twice, but everyone seemed to be getting along.

"Where's Bow Wow?" Toby looked around the hall. He hadn't seen the little furball for a while. The dog had ended up in the elf costume, and he'd worn it well. Kassie had looked perplexed at first, but after a few sniffs, they'd decided to be friends.

Rusty pointed, and Toby groaned at seeing them together. Those two had no business socializing. Their puppies would be freaks of nature. "He's fixed, right?"

Brian widened his eyes. "We're in church!"

Toby quit trying. He'd check the little shit for balls later. Kassie had to have better taste in men, well, dogs, than that. When the tables were away, Rusty and Brian went to give the Christmas tree some much needed help. It had to last another few days, and the kids had done their best to tear it down.

Holly was pushing a broom, and Toby got one to join her. She'd brought her luggage with her. Toby was going to ride with her to the airport when they finished here. He didn't like it, but he was going to smile and send her to his brother, who'd had the privilege of raising her.

"Nice girl. Not as mouthy as her father." Mabel looked down at the floor. "Sweep again and haul the trash out. This place is a wreck, and we have Quilting Club here tomorrow."

"Sure thing." Toby wouldn't dream of arguing. He also made sure the ice cream freezer wasn't a disaster, told Kassie to forget it, and wiped down the counter tops. When he turned, Holly was smiling at him, and he shrugged as he blushed.

"Okay! We are done here," Rusty said. "Toby, New Year's Eve party at Le Monde. Do not miss it!"

Toby instantly shook his head. "I won't be there, but thanks for the invite. Did you get Kassie's costume?"

Rusty patted his bag. "We're good."

"And your mutt?" Toby looked for their dog, but didn't see him.

Brian glared. "He's a registered Papillion!"

"He weighs about three ounces on a good day, and his ears are ridiculous." Toby rolled his eyes. "He's in that purse, isn't he?"

Rusty grinned. "We'll talk about the party later. This was fun!"

Brian snorted, but followed after him. Toby blew them a kiss, and Holly giggled.

"They worked hard for a couple of--"

Deakins clapped his hand over Mabel's mouth. "Nice guys with great fashion sense. They made a donation to the church, and they fixed the Christmas tree."

"Like I said," Mabel growled. "Cute dog, too."

Toby looked around the hall. It seemed clean enough to him, but it wasn't his call. "Are we good?"

"It'll do." Mabel suddenly smiled. "Let's go nap." She glanced at the dog sprawled on the floor. "Kassie beat us to it."

Holly threaded her arm through Toby's. "We wore out your dog. Merry Christmas, everyone. I'll be back in late January and come see what's going on."

She hugged them all, and Toby watched with his emotions shoved down hard. He'd finished this year with a huge blessing, and he was not going to complain, except maybe about Elliot. That still made no sense, and tracking him down to talk about it wouldn't be easy.

"I thought we might see Elliot today," Holly said. "Is he at work?"

Toby went with the honest answer. "He took Rusty and me shopping yesterday. Well, he and Kassie had ice cream while we did all the work, and then he left. He didn't say anything about today." He wasn't mentioning Christmas Eve. That was probably a pipe dream. "He's probably at work."

Deakins and Mabel said their goodbyes after that, and Toby woke up Kassie. Holly called a cab, and they went to wait by the door. Toby had no clue what to say to her.

"I'll send you an email when I get there." Holly leaned against him. "You'll be okay?"

Toby kissed her on the forehead. "Holly, this has been the best Christmas ever. I got everything I wanted." He'd even had Elliot very briefly. He dug into the inside pocket of his coat. 

"I did too." She wasn't turning him loose. "Anything else?"

Toby smiled and handed her a box. "Well, yeah, but this isn't from me."

"Dad, you already got me an iPod." Holly was so beautiful when she frowned.

"It's not from me. Open it on Christmas." Toby saw the cab and picked up her luggage. Kassie was no help as he loaded the cab, and he piled in with them. He'd get Holly on her way, and then he might let himself be upset.

 

*********

Elliot knew he was a sad sack of shit when he went to Le Monde's for lunch. He hadn't intended to, and he should've gone to Mo's, but he hadn't, and he tried to act casual as he took a spot at the bar. Today, there was a crowd, but he didn't want a table, so he didn't think Rick would kick him out.

"Where's Toby?" Rick came out from the kitchen, his eyes searching.

Elliot wondered if that meant he should leave. "The church?"

Rick opened a cooler and got him a beer. "So, you think we're friends now?"

"Not sure about that, but I did think you'd throw me out if we weren't." Elliot took a drink. He still hadn't slept, and he wasn't tired, just confused. That explained why he was here. "Holly is leaving for Paris today."

"I bet he's upset." Rick didn't seem to be leaving. He gave a soft sigh. "Maybe I'll ask him out for New Year's. We could both use some cheering up."

Elliot was instantly angry, and he drank some beer in a frantic attempt not to show it. He fiddled with the coaster, made sure he was under control, and glanced at Rick. "What's your problem?"

Rick's eyebrows were up. "Elliot, um, I know you're Toby's friend, but you don't get to decide who he dates." He leaned closer. "Do you?"

"Not damn likely." Elliot snorted. He had to play this right, and not think about where he'd been last night. "I think Kassie gets the final say on that."

"She's picky too." Rick might have been smirking. "Burger and fries?"

"Whatever." Elliot didn't care. Rick went to the kitchen, and Elliot had plenty of time to get his anger under control and hope that Toby turned Rick down.

Rick came back with a plate of chip and dip. "Tell me what you think. Ramon made it. He's either brilliant or hopeless, and my staff is running scared."

Elliot looked at it hard and picked up a chip. It couldn't be worse than Munch's coffee. He scooped and ate it. It hit his taste buds hard, and he smiled. "Wow. That's good. Spicy."

"You don't look like you're lying." Rick gingerly tried it. "Amazing." He went back to the kitchen, and Elliot was glad the chip and dip stayed. He snacked on it and wondered if Toby would really go out with him on Christmas Eve. Toby might be a little pissed that Elliot had left early this morning.

"Elliot!"

Elliot groaned and didn't try to hide it. He pushed the chip and dip at them and saw a tiny furry head pop out of Rusty's purse. It was a purse. "What the hell is that?"

"Kassie's new boyfriend!" Rusty laughed and sat down next to Elliot. "They're in love."

Brian laughed. "Their puppies will be adorable!"

"That thing has a dick?" Elliot ignored their instant glares and ate some chip and dip. "Kassie will laugh her dog head off."

"He is so rude," Rusty huffed.

"I was thinking worse things." Brian pulled the plate closer. "Who made this?"

"Ramon." Elliot saw their hesitation and eased the plate back to his side. "More for me. Hey, was Kassie a hit?"

"Press everywhere. Ridiculous." Brian ate a chip. "Bow Wow was the cutest elf ever. Toby was jealous."

Elliot concentrated on the chip and dip and wondered if Toby had avoided getting his picture in the paper. He handed the tiny dog a chip and laughed at the stupid ears. Rusty and Brian were re-hashing the morning, and he listened while pretending that he wasn't. It sounded as if it had gone fine, crazy good.

"Oh, Rick! Toby said he's not coming to the New Year's Eve party." Rusty nodded. "I know! But he sounded as if he'd made up his mind."

"He didn't even think about it." Brian tried the dip. "This is good! I'm shocked."

Elliot ate some more before it was all gone. Rick set Elliot's food in front of him. "Maybe he doesn't like the temptation. Everyone will be drunk and high."

"He's cute like that." Rusty stole one of Elliot's fries and gave it to the little furball. Elliot didn't bother to protest. One would fill him up.

Rick tried for a fry, and Elliot pushed the hand away. "You ain't cute."

Rusty giggled and put his hand on Elliot's arm. "I love you too, El. When are you going to give in and date Toby?"

Brian raised his eyebrows, and Rick looked interested in the answer also. Elliot ate his cheeseburger. He knew they'd get tired of waiting for an answer at some point, and it didn't take long for them to give up.

"Straight men are no fun."

"That is so true, and no one is straighter than Elliot."

Elliot scooped up the last of the dip and put it on his cheeseburger. "A Ramonburger."

Rick smiled. "Genius."

*********

Toby went home, shut the drapes, and turned off his cell phone. He was officially unavailable. Kassie seemed to get that he was pissy because she went to her bed without being told. He turned on the TV and got comfortable on the sofa. The pillow might have smelled faintly of Elliot, and he threw it across the room. He'd been a damn fool last night, down on his knees. Chris would have loved it, but Elliot had looked faintly disgusted.

"I love you, Dad." Holly's last words banged through him again. He was ashamed that he thought she was lying to make him feel better. There were a lot of lonely days left in this year, and New Year's Eve always sucked. Usually, he'd arranged to spend it in the hole, but it wasn't an option this time. This one, sober, was going to be hell. Nothing and no one could make it better.

"Toby?" There was a knock on the door.

Toby didn't get up. He shut his eyes and waited for Elliot to go the hell away. Kassie clicked her way over to the door, and Toby didn't move. He wasn't in the mood to feel worse about himself. Not that it was possible.

********

Elliot heard Kassie. Toby was home, but he wasn't answering the door. That was a first. Even when he was freaked out, he got the door. Elliot put his hand against the doorjamb and leaned. He wasn't going to beg or even ask, but there were a lot of words that needed to be said.

Kassie whined, and Elliot went back to his car. He called him, but there was no answer. The phone was off. Elliot didn't have any trouble getting the message. Toby didn't want to talk. He might not want to see him again.

"Shit," Elliot said. He had screwed this up. If Toby fell off the wagon, it would be his own damn fault, but Elliot would feel responsible.

Elliot's phone rang, and he got it with a sigh. "Stabler."

"Elliot, we need to talk about the Christmas schedule. Can you come over for dinner?" Kathy didn't sound pissed yet.

"Sure." Elliot figured he was about to get bent over. She had a way of doing that, and he usually let her. "Give me an hour. I'm at work."

Kathy clicked off, and he took one more look up the fire escape, but the drapes were drawn. He quit and went to his car. Toby wanted space. He could have it. Elliot would catch up with him later.

********  
Chapter 7 - All Together  
********

Kassie nudged Toby's arm, and he would have sworn a prickle made his hair stand up on his neck. He looked and wished he hadn't.

"Elliot came. How nice," Mabel said. "Did you plan for him?"

"Unfortunately," Toby said and caught her look of surprise. He should've kept quiet, but he hadn't, so now he had to explain. "He isn't the easiest guy in the world to get along with."

"Neither are you." Mabel stood and looked disgusted. "Act polite. It's a party."

"Yes, Mother." Toby patted Kassie on the head and went to see how the food was coming along. People were trickling in, and the buffet would hopefully be ready soon. He was supposed to be happily greeting people, but all he wanted to do was sit in the corner and sulk.

"Hey, Toby." Elliot didn't look or sound as if he cared about anything.

"Glad you could make it," Toby said with the same amount of enthusiasm, which was none. He went to talk with Ralph because hanging out with Elliot was a bad idea. Even standing near him was a very bad idea. Toby refused to feel guilty about Christmas Eve. They hadn't made real plans, and he'd had his cell phone on, at least part of the night. It wasn't as if they were anything but casual friends.

"Tables look nice," Ralph said. He looked around the room and his gaze stopped on Mabel. "Toby, I need your advice."

Toby swallowed hard. He wasn't sure he could talk about this with a straight face, but he took the opportunity to get farther away from Elliot. "I'll do my best to help."

********

Elliot wanted to grab him and shake him. It wasn't a rational, but a few damn answers would be nice. He hadn't done anything wrong, beyond refusing to discuss the problem and leaving early the next morning. He'd gone by so they could talk. Toby hadn't answered the door. At this point, it was all on him.

"Good to see you, Elliot," Deakins said and stuck out his hand.

Elliot shook the pastor's hand. "I had the day off, and I never pass up free food."

"Neither does Kassie." Deakins grinned. "We've had a good year here at the church, but after today I need a few days of peace and quiet."

"Peace on Earth, huh?" Elliot tried not to watch Toby, but it was impossible. "How's Toby doing?" He caught the look of surprise quickly hidden, but he wasn't going to explain. It was bad enough that he'd asked.

Deakins looked over at him. "He came to Christmas Eve services. Snuck in at the last minute. I've been worried, but he seems to be hanging tough."

"Christmas is a hard time of year to stay clean." Elliot was sure that Toby would be mad as hell if he found out about this conversation. "Have you heard from his brother?"

Deakins narrowed his eyes and twisted the ornate ring on his finger. "You're a perceptive man, Elliot. Excuse me." He was gone into the growing crowd. Elliot chatted with several people while circling around the hall. If Angus was going to shove his way into Toby's life, things were going to get tougher, and Elliot wasn't going to walk away while Toby had a meltdown. Sneaking out the door had been a mistake - he saw that clearly now.

*********

Toby hadn't felt this way since the days on the quad when Chris would stare and stalk him until they ended up face to face, spewing out anger and trying futilely not to love each other. He shivered and wished he could run away. It was what he was good at, and now was the right time to do it, before Elliot had a chance to yell at him.

"Toby, you look upset," Deakins said. "Is everything okay with Holly?"

Toby tried to pull it all together. He had to look calm. "She's arrived safely and laughed at the picture of Kassie I gave her. I get an email nearly every day."

Deakins seemed placated with that answer. "Glad to hear that. She'll be back soon."

"She will." Toby was glad they weren't going to talk about him being upset. "Harry is starting to email me occasionally, so things are going well."

"God helps those..." Deakins smiled. "You know the rest."

Toby's neck alerted him that Elliot was moving closer. The meal was over, unfortunately, and he was running out of places to run. He spotted Kassie begging for a biscuit and went to put a stop to that. She'd had enough. "Kassie, no."

She dropped the biscuit and looked pitiful. He put it in the trash. "No more, sweet girl. You're gonna puke."

"Scrooge," Elliot said right in Toby's ear.

Now Toby felt like puking, but he turned. This hall wasn't big enough for him to keep running. "She's had enough, and I know how she feels."

Elliot drew back a little. "I insulted you."

"Ya think?" Toby loved the way it wasn't question. "Thanks for coming, Elliot. I appreciate the hard work you did this year."

"Keeping you out of prison wasn't easy," Elliot said with biting sarcasm and grinned. "Can't wait for next year."

Toby wasn't going to do this with Elliot. He wasn't. Damn him. "I heard the homeless shelter at St. Mark's needs volunteers. Try there next year when you volunteer." He saw the anger and the hurt flash across Elliot's face, and he cared too damn much.

"Toby, they want you in the kitchen," Mabel said with a small note of worry in her voice.

"I always go where I'm wanted." Toby took Kassie and walked away before Elliot got the last word, and he would if given half a chance.

********

Elliot was careful not to glare because Mabel was watching, and she was smart as a whip. He kept a small smile on his face. "Did you have a nice Christmas with your kids?"

"Don't try to buffalo a fellow soldier. What are you and Toby fighting about?" Mabel put her hands on her scrawny hips and demanded an answer.

Elliot bit his lower lip and prayed for someone to interrupt them. Nothing happened. He raised his hands, palms out, and searched for words.

"Act like an adult instead of a little boy. I might have had girls, but I know you two are acting like six year olds instead of men." Mabel let him know what she was thinking and it cut deep. "And I thought Rusty was a drama queen."

Elliot still hadn't found anything to say when she stormed off. Across the hall, Deakins gave him a look that said he wasn't a fool either. They weren't backing either side. They were suggesting that he and Toby grow the hell up.

Toby came out of the kitchen and refused to look at him. Elliot quit trying. He went home. He'd act like an adult there. Alone.

*********

"Yes, Kassie, I know I'm a complete ass, but this time I didn't start it!" Toby hadn't rushed home. He'd stayed to help clean up and then found some things to do in the pantry. He was well aware it was avoidance behavior, but he didn't give a damn. Now, it was cold and dark, but he still refused to hurry. There was no one waiting on him after all. He spotted the homeboy working the corner they had to cross, and he wrapped his hand into Kassie's collar. "Alert."

"Check this out, bro."

Kassie thought the drug dealer was too close for comfort, and she cleared the street for him. He would credit her with keeping him clean. From there, they went faster, and he was glad to shut his door on the world. Kassie went to her bed and started licking her paws. She was filthy from the wet street, and she knew it. He'd have to clean her up her fur.

"Yeah, it was fun, and I think everyone had a good time except Elliot. He didn't do anything but glare at me." Toby got out her brush and shampoo. He might as well get her really clean. She didn't mind. He ended up with her practically in his lap. "I'm not going to apologize for him running out of here. I might have been sarcastic, but he should've had the sense to stay the hell away."

Kassie licked his face. He peeled his shirt off before it got filthy, tossed it, and started brushing her again. "And how many cookies did you score? You're gonna get fat!" She didn't agree, and she rolled to her back. Big paws smacked into his chest, and he smiled. "I still love him. I just don't think it can work. It never did with Chris. Of course, Chris was a killer, but he was willing to admit that he loved me, and Elliot will never do that."

She sneezed, and he glared down at her. "You do that to piss me off." He brushed her stomach clean and she grabbed the brush to shake it. He laughed. "Yeah, we're done." She pushed, and they tussled, and he was surprised when one of her claws caught him on the chest. "Ouch!"

Kassie stopped instantly and nuzzled him. He patted her and got up. "Get your rope." She bounded off, and he went to look in the mirror. It was a scratch, but nothing major, and he wiped off the tiny amount of blood. She dropped the rope at his feet, and he tossed it. "Look at me, Kassie, I'm a damn disaster. No wonder he ran away."

She didn't answer. She wanted to play. He laughed. "Kassie, I'm going to take a bath. You want one?"

Kassie ran behind the sofa. Toby shut the door and took a shower. He was dirty too, and he washed thoroughly. Elliot hadn't seemed turned off by the scars. He'd even touched before Toby had made him stop. Toby washed his hair. He'd told Elliot to stop and not to touch, and then Elliot had left.

"Ah, shit!" Toby leaned against the wall. It was all his damn fault. Of course. He'd known that, but he'd figured it was because he was ugly as fuck. No, it was on him because he hadn't let Elliot do anything. Chris would have stared, laughed, and fucked him blind, ignoring him completely. Elliot had refused to play along because he liked things fair.

"Shit!" Toby shut the water off and found a towel. He'd completely screwed up, but Elliot shouldn't have snuck out. "Kassie, we're going to Elliot's fire escape, or whatever. You ready?"

She peeked around the side of the sofa. He threw the wet towel at her and got dressed.

********

Elliot was trying to watch television. He wasn't sure if this movie was supposed to be funny or serious, but it sure wasn't keeping his attention. It was the scene with Toby that he kept playing over and over again in his mind. Toby didn't want to be touched. It was hard to blame him after what he'd been through, but Elliot hadn't been willing to do things that way.

"Shit," Elliot said. He should've let things happen and then work it around so Toby had understood that the scars didn't matter. Elliot sighed. It was his fault. If he hadn't been so damn nervous, he might have gotten it right the first time. "Crap."

The TV droned on, and he fiddled with his cell phone. Calling him wouldn't work and tempting Kassie to jump out the window of the fire escape again seemed damn dumb. Elliot changed the channel a dozen times, ended up back on the movie, and got up to get another beer. He hesitated when he heard the neighbor's dog bark, but the mutt barked at the moon half the time. It was the scrap of metal against concrete that made him get his gun. He put on his shoes and went out the front door, circling around to the back.

"Police! Hands up!" He went around the corner fast and pointed his gun at the figure in the lawn chair. "Damn it, Toby! I nearly shot you!"

"I bet the safety's on." Toby scratched behind Kassie's ears. "Nothing like a little fear to get the blood pumping, huh?"

Elliot pushed the safety on. "Damn fool thing to do."

"How many beers have you had?" Toby hadn't really looked at him.

"One." Elliot pulled open the patio doors. "It's too damn cold to sit out there. Get your ass inside."

Toby eased up and strolled inside. "Go lie down, Kassie."

Elliot put his gun away, found his beer, and sat in his chair. "Mabel and Deakins think we're assholes."

Toby laughed and sat on the sofa. "They know us so well. It's all your damn fault, sneaking out like I was some ten dollar whore. Oh, and you forgot to leave the money."

"You didn't earn it." Elliot wasn't going to play nice. If Toby wanted to argue this out, they would.

"Oh, ouch." Toby glared and made a rude noise. "It pisses me off that every time I turn around, you disappear for ten days!"

Elliot could remember his wife saying the same damn thing, and he wasn't going to put up with that shit any longer. "Get over it. I work. I don't have time to coddle you through every day."

"Fuck you."

"Back at ya."

Toby grabbed the remote and started flipping through the channels. "Seen it. She dies. He kills the lover, and the cops never figure it out. No surprise there."

"Thanks for ruining it." Elliot drank some beer. He had a few other issues to bring up while they were talking. "You'd have seen me if you'd have turned on your damn phone!"

"You didn't try. You were hiding from your dick. Did that work for you?" Toby didn't look at him.

Elliot wanted to throw the bottle at him. "This ain't all on me. You're the one who acted like a damn woman in bed. 'Oh! Don't touch me!'" Elliot emphasized with a girlie voice. "What kind of bullshit was that?" he bellowed.

Toby was on his feet one second later. The jacket came off and the wife beater was right behind. "It was about this! It was about you not throwing up!"

"It was about you being a big chicken shit. So, you have a few scars. I saw worse in Kuwait." Elliot didn't give a shit about scars. "Get over it!"

"It isn't that easy when people flinch away or turn white or put their hands everywhere but here." Toby sank back down. He rubbed his hand through his short hair. "Even you said I was damn ugly. Wait, you said I was road kill!"

"Big deal. If I'm dropping into bed with you, it isn't because of your body." Elliot wanted those words back one second later. "That's not entirely true."

Toby glared at him. "No shit. Why the fuck would you drop into bed with me? You don't find me attractive, and you think I'm annoying. What the hell were you doing?"

"Hell if I know," Elliot said. He was tired of yelling. Toby put his shirt back on and leaned back.

Kassie whined, and he let her come over to him. "It's okay, girl. I'll stop yelling."

Elliot was glad to hear that. He didn't think they were accomplishing anything by it. "I should've stayed. I'm sorry."

"I should've told you that I have problems with it before you got into my bed. I'm sorry." Toby put his head on hers. "When I'm high, it's no big deal, but otherwise, I can't bear to be touched on my scars."

"I don't have any pot to loosen you up." Elliot wasn't going to pretend to understand. Toby was a shrink's wet dream. There was so much shit going on in that brain of his and none of it good.

Toby had Kassie lie down at his feet. "If you'd let me do the work, we'd be fine."

Elliot wasn't going to do that. He knew it was ridiculous, and he felt like a pervert discussing it, but it wasn't right. "No. We can work it out, or you can forget it."

"Stubborn man," Toby muttered. "Most guys would grin and drop their pants."

"I'm not most guys." Elliot knew he wasn't any better. He was just different. "Go home and think it over."

Toby lay back flat on Elliot's sofa. "In a minute. It was a hike over here, and then I had to climb a fence, and then you nearly shot me again."

Elliot knew Toby was here for the night. "I didn't shoot you the first time, but relax, take it easy. You had a busy day, running from me."

"Wore my ass out." Toby pushed his shoes off. "I'm a damn ugly freak, and you shouldn't want to touch me."

Elliot didn't think Toby was a freak. "I guess we won't then."

"Great. We can look at porn, jack off, and call it good. Like prison, on a good day, when no one wanted to rape my ass." Toby's eyes were shut. "Of course, after the dog thing, no one was all that interested."

Elliot had a hard time believing that, but he didn't want to think about it. "Go to sleep."

Toby smiled. His voice was soft now. "If you weren't so damn stubborn, we wouldn't have this trouble."

"Blame it on me," Elliot muttered and drank his beer.

********

Toby woke up with a blink and had no idea where he was. He sat up, rubbed his eyes, and tried to think. The empty beer bottle was the clue. "Kassie, where's Elliot?"

She got up, stretched, and looked over at the door. He got his shoes, coat, and took her out. It was very dark. No moon tonight and he shivered a little. When she was done, they went back inside, and Kassie started for the stairs. Toby wasn't sure about it, but he followed her up.

Elliot was stretched out on a big bed. There was a dim light coming from the connecting bathroom, and Toby could see clearly. The covers were down on Elliot's chest, and he looked as if he owned the world. Kassie curled up in a corner, and Toby nearly joined her. He could drool from a safe distance, but that muscular arm was outstretched and all he wanted to do was pull it around him. He dropped his coat and the rest of his clothes, waiting one more second for some courage.

"Freezing your ass off?"

"It is a little cold." Toby got under the covers. He felt like a fool, and he wouldn't have been surprised if Elliot pushed him on the floor. "You're warm."

"I didn't take the dog out." Elliot still hadn't moved. Toby turned his back to him. That was the easiest way to do this. They'd sleep, and a casual touch on his back didn't bother him. Elliot still hadn't moved all that much. "Don't panic. I ain't gonna touch ya."

Toby wanted to punch him and kiss him and shred those briefs right off him. The heat from him seemed to be coming over in waves, and the smell was better than good. Toby suddenly realized how stupid he was being. He was in bed with Elliot. The one place he'd ached to be.

"Fuck it," Toby said. He flipped over and Elliot met him. "I could get high on you."

Elliot groaned. "Great. I'm an illegal substance." He wrapped his hand around Toby's neck. "You can take the lead, but I am going to touch you."

Toby nearly came all over himself. "You said you wouldn't."

Elliot's mouth kissed him instead of talking and that was perfect. Hands groped, mouths wandered, and Toby gasped aloud when Elliot's weight settled on him. Thought was lost, taken over by heat and need and a profound sense of wonder. There was so much here to kiss, stroke, lick, and bite.

"Stop that," Elliot grumbled and thumped him on the forehead. Toby laughed but stopped biting. He kissed his way up Elliot's back and curled around him. Elliot sighed. "Kassie wants up."

Toby patted the bed and kissed Elliot's neck. "Give me a minute, and we'll do that again."

Elliot snored at him. He had to be faking it, but Toby could take a hint. He shut his eyes as Kassie settled into his back and made up his mind never to move again.

********

Elliot woke up alone, but he could smell coffee. He rolled to his back and suffered a rare moment of déjà vu. It could be Kathy down there. The slight smile on his face could have been put there by her.

"You leaving?" Toby leaned against the doorjamb. He had his shirt on and a pair of Elliot's sweats.

"I live here." Elliot pulled the pillow over his face and stopped smiling. Reality had just walked through his door, and he wasn't sure he could face it. "It was your job to sneak out."

"Well, shit," Toby drawled. He snapped his fingers. "Get him up, Kassie."

Elliot didn't like the sound of that. "Hey!" He started pushing as soon as she hit the bed. Her nose was cold, and she knew how to use it. "This isn't fair!"

Toby laughed and jumped on them both. Elliot let them win, but he had to take a good licking, and Kassie kissed him too.

"Enough with the tongue!" Elliot grabbed Toby's hair and pulled.

"Really?" Toby's eyes were wide.

Elliot groaned. "No." He curled his fingers into Toby's shoulders and tried not to make any embarrassing noises. It wasn't easy. At least Kassie got off the bed. He was doing enough panting for both of them. Toby drove him to the edge twice before there was no stopping it, and he collapsed back flat, trying to find something to say and failing.

Toby laughed and swirled his tongue around Elliot's belly button. Elliot pulled him up and wrapped him close. "Stop already."

"Yeah, your face is red enough." Toby relaxed against him. Elliot scrubbed his face with one hand and stroked the other one down Toby's shirt, digging in slightly. Toby wiggled a little.

"You're ticklish." Elliot proved his point until Toby was convulsing. "And you're a liar. Scars, right!"

Toby tried to make it off the bed, and Elliot put his foot on Toby's ass and gave him some help. The thud was satisfying. The laughter tapered off, and Elliot stepped on Toby's back on the way to the bathroom. Toby would come back fighting in a minute, but Elliot didn't want to hear about the stupid scars again. That was a lot of fuss over nothing.

********

Toby grunted when Elliot stepped on him. Now that was rude. He rubbed his face hard and got up, still wanting to laugh. Chris had loved to torment him, and it looked as if Elliot was going to also. Damn it.

"It was about the scars!" Toby yelled defiantly, but he heard the rude answer as he went downstairs to check the coffee. He needed a big mug. Making sure he was awake and this was all real seemed important.

Kassie looked up at him and whined. She was hungry. It was her breakfast time. Toby opened the fridge, found some old pizza, and gave her a piece. That made her happy.

"Hey! That was breakfast!"

"She's hungry, and that pizza is practically moldy." Toby shuddered. He wasn't giving her another one. She might barf. "You should clean out your fridge every ten years or so."

"I'm a guy. We don't do that." Elliot plunked his butt down on a barstool. Unfortunately, he was dressed. "I need my coffee, woman."

Toby sighed and patted Kassie on the head. "You hold him down, and I'll chew his nuts off."

Elliot rubbed his eyes. "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that."

"Pretend all you want." Toby poured them coffee and delivered Elliot's to him. "I can't wait to tell Brian and Rusty where I spent the night." His timing was perfect and coffee almost shot out Elliot's nose. He handed him a napkin. "And Rick, and Mabel."

"One word and you'll discover how good of a shot I am." Elliot's glare could've melted ice.

Toby sat down, added sugar, and sipped his coffee. He wasn't scared, but he had no intention of telling anyone. They wouldn't believe him anyway. "What are you doing today?" He shifted the topic to safer waters.

"Dunno." Elliot shrugged. "You?"

"HIV test this afternoon, and Rick ask me to drop by Le Monde. Don't know what that's all about." Toby hoped that Rick had found a boyfriend and wanted to gossip.

Elliot's jaw clenched. "He wants you to go to the New Year's Eve party with him. I had lunch there the other day and he mentioned it."

Toby was more than surprised. He had thought that Elliot would rather eat at Mo's. "Wow, did you turn gay?" He blinked. "Wait. Wait. Wait a minute! We just had sex! I gotta call Rick and thank him. Going to Le Monde does make a man gay!"

"I have a gun here somewhere." Elliot leaned his head into his palm. He wasn't laughing. "It was lunch. Rick, Brian, and Rusty gossiped non-stop, and their dog is weird. I'm not sure it's a real dog."

Kassie tilted her head, and Toby drank some more coffee, trying to think. "You had lunch with all my gay friends? And Bow Wow was there?" He connected the dots. "That was the Friday that Holly left town." He saw from Elliot's face that there would be no denial. "Rick is asking me out?"

"Are you turning into a moron?" Elliot sighed. "I need more coffee."

Toby refilled their mugs and sat back down. "Bow Wow is a good, little dog. Kassie thinks he's a squeaky toy."

"Rusty said Bow Wow is going to father Kassie's puppies." Elliot grinned. "I think they're building a ladder."

Toby laughed. The idea was ridiculous. He drank some coffee and thought about it all some more. "Rick's a good guy, but he knows we'll never be serious."

Elliot looked up from his coffee. "So, you are still dating him."

"No. We just hang out, like friends." Toby stirred his coffee again and tried to figure out if Elliot was angry or just fishing for information. "Anyway, I have plans for New Year's Eve, and Le Monde isn't part of it."

"What?" Elliot's eyebrows went up. "Something good?"

Toby wasn't going to talk about it. He concentrated on getting coffee to his bloodstream. "I'm going to have to get going soon. It'll take forever to get back to the city."

Elliot nodded, but didn't say anything. Toby wasn't sure if this was an awkward silence or not. He wasn't going to worry about it, not much at least. When his coffee was finished, he put his mug in the sink and went to Elliot.

"Can I lick your tattoo?" Toby credited that tattoo with getting him back to church.

Elliot screwed up his face. "No, but I'll take you as far as the precinct."

"Deal." Toby would much rather sit in Elliot's car than on a bus. He trotted upstairs to find his jeans.

*********

Elliot finished his coffee and rinsed out the cup. "Kassie, what's his plan?"

Kassie rolled out her tongue. That was no answer. He opened the door for her so she could play in the grass before they left. She galloped out. He watched her from inside and wished there was a manual he could read about having a boyfriend. Just the thought made his guts quiver and his back twinge from the memory of the smack of his father's belt. Asking anyone for advice was impossible. Even talking to Toby would be hard.

Elliot groaned. He had a boyfriend. Had he lost his mind?

*********

Toby put his hand on the handle to open the door, but a hand stopped him. "Kiss?"

"No." Elliot meant that. "Why don't you give me Kassie for the day? Go see Huang. I know he's there, and then you have your appointment at the clinic, and I'll meet you at Le Monde for dinner. Say about six?"

Toby considered it. It wasn't a completely bad idea. "The clinic is relatively sterile. I guess they want it to stay that way." He looked in the back seat. "She hasn't had her dog food yet today."

Elliot backed out of his parking spot and took them home. Kassie bounded up the stairs, gobbled her food, and Toby considered pushing Elliot into a corner and stealing a kiss.

"Do I have to see Huang?" Toby whined.

"You should. Couldn't hurt." Elliot seemed nervous about something. "We doing this?"

Toby got Kassie's leash and handed it to him. "No donuts, and six is fine." He didn't want to spend the day without her, but it wasn't that long. "I'll walk. You go on."

Elliot chewed his lower lip. "Hey, if you want to date Rick--"

"I like my face in one piece, and I see that look when I kiss Rusty." Toby wasn't going to have this conversation. He was in love with Elliot, and they'd either get together or they wouldn't, but there was no one else for him. "I'll keep my dirty dick to myself, thanks."

Elliot caught him by the arm. "That was anger talking. I'm sorry it all came out that way."

Toby blinked in surprise. "Thanks for saying that, but she's your sister, and I understand. Not much, but a little." He stepped closer. "I've heard worse, and I was stupid not to get a test."

"That's the truth." Elliot wrapped his arm around him, and one second later they were kissing. Toby wanted to groan when Elliot pulled away. The magic was certainly sparkly today.

"Kassie, go with Elliot, okay?" Toby focused on the dog. It was that, or beg Elliot to fuck him.

Elliot clicked on her leash and they were gone out the door. Toby sat down to breathe for a minute and then he'd go see Huang. It had happened. They'd made love, or had sex, or whatever, and it had been great. Toby grinned and could taste Elliot's skin again. Nothing had been more surprising and nothing could be better.

Elliot could give Chris a run for his money. That was for sure. It would totally piss Chris off, but it was true. Toby went to brush his teeth. He wished there was someone he could talk to about Elliot, but that wasn't possible. When it came down to it, Elliot still might get involved with a woman. Toby might joke about it, but Elliot was straight, and he'd never change. That's why it was pathetic to get involved with him.

Toby didn't care. He'd take what he could get and enjoy it. He put on a clean shirt, not a wife beater, and brushed his hair. It was time to go find Huang. Hopefully, he'd be too busy. Toby looked for Kassie, remembered she was with Elliot, and realized again that he was hooked on that dog. He locked the door and started walking. It was cold, but not raining, and he took his time getting there. Avoidance behavior, Sister Pete would say. He went through the metal detector and headed for Huang's office. The elevator seemed very full of cops, and he was careful not to look right at them.

"Place is full of assholes today."

Toby wasn't impressed with their subtlety. He didn't try to get off first, and he made a note to take the stairs next time. The shove was expected, and he didn't turn around. He was damn glad that Kassie was eating cookies with Elliot. She'd have taken that shove very personally. Toby knocked on Huang's door, but not loudly.

"Dickhead!"

"Yeah, got it," Toby said and waved to the idiot.

"Tobias, come in!" Huang seemed happy to see him. Toby got in the office before someone shot him. Huang shook Toby's hand. "How are you?"

Toby found a chair. "Not bad. If I'm going to come here, I'm going to need hazard pay."

"Where's the dog?" Huang sat at his desk and smiled.

"With a friend." Toby watched Huang find a pencil and a pad. They were really going to do this, and it was going to suck. "If you're busy--"

"No. Now is good." Huang looked eager. Toby gave up. He'd do this, and then he'd hit Elliot up for a treat.

********

"I thought I didn't want to see you until January," Cragen said.

Elliot swiveled his chair. "Just checking my email. I'm not really here."

"Good." Cragen stared down at Kassie. "Did Santa Dog lose her way?"

"Kassie, meet Captain Cragen." Elliot smiled as she sniffed him. Cragen patted her on the head. Elliot went back to his email. There was always something going on in his family, and he had been awarded the title of arbitrator years ago. Luckily, things were quiet, except that Alex wanted to talk. Elliot got out his phone to call him.

"Hey, bro!"

"You don't do that well," Elliot said. "Got your email."

Alex laughed. "I sent that a week ago, but if you got some time, we could talk."

"You know I'm not good at that." Elliot opened his top drawer and sighed at the mess. It was time for the yearly cleaning.

"How about dinner?"

"I'm meeting Toby at Le Monde at six." Elliot pulled the trash can closer.

"I'll be there." Alex clicked off. Elliot groaned. He'd said that to get out of it, but it seemed there would be three for dinner.

"Sit and I'll give you a treat," Munch said.

Elliot looked over at them. Fin was not amused. "One more crack like that and you won't come out of your coma until next Hanukkah."

"Kassie, don't eat anything you find on the floor," Elliot said, tugging her collar. "Lay down."

She did without complaining, and he started tossing junk. The bottom drawer was crammed, and he didn't stop until he hit the bottom. That file looked familiar, and he pulled it out. He should've sent it back to Oz, but he hadn't. He opened it, curious about a few things, and started to read.

********

Toby tried not to slink out of Huang's office, but he felt as if he'd been hit in the guts with a shank. Huang made Sister Pete look like the amateur that she obviously was.

"Move it, asshole."

Toby took the push and started for the stairs. He made it outside without being gang-raped, and he took a minute to sit on the hood of Elliot's car. Going to get his dog was tempting but he still had to go to the clinic. Fuck. The day had started off really well, but it was going downhill fast. He'd known he was still messed up. It had taken Huang to point out how bad it was. Toby zipped up his coat, hauled his ass off the cold metal, and went to find a cab. If this day didn't end with him in bed with Elliot, he was going to be pissed - more pissed.

*********

Elliot rubbed his forehead and wished he'd thrown out the file. Frustrated, he went to splash some water on his face.

"I saw that Beecher asshole in the hallway."

"Fuck him up?"

Elliot wiped his hands off and left before he hit someone. He understood but didn't agree with it. Toby hadn't done anything wrong lately. Kassie whined at him, and he took her out. Back at his desk, he cleared the clutter, but the file was still there. He flipped through it, finding the sheets that showed all the demerits that Toby had received over the years. Scanning it, he frowned.

"That a case?" Cragen was back.

"Nah." Elliot saw the information, shut it, and put it away. "I'm out of here."

Cragen nodded and gave Kassie another pat on the head. Elliot took Kassie to the locker room. They could lift weights. There was time.

"Every New Year's Eve?" Elliot asked. "What's up with that, Kassie?"

She didn't answer, and he hoped he didn't talk to her as much as Toby did.

*********

Toby didn't fool around. He went to find Rick. "Is Kassie here yet?" He didn't care that he sounded slightly deranged. It had been a long, long day and he wanted his damn dog.

Rick raised his eyebrows. "Uh, did she drive?"

"Elliot, Kassie, have you seen them?" Toby was trying to stay calm. He didn't see them, but the place was packed.

 

"No, sorry." Rick stepped closer. "Come back to my office, okay?"

Toby shook his head. He couldn't think right now. "Let me find Kassie first."

"Toby, you're not serious?" Rick smiled. "Let's go talk. The dog can wait."

Toby nearly decked him. He knew he was an idiot, but he didn't need to hear it. The anger was instant, and he hadn't felt it in so long that he'd almost forgotten how strong, how vicious, it could be.

Fine," he snapped.

Rick led the way and he didn't let Toby shut the door before they were kissing. Toby let it happen and then set him away.

"What do you need, Rick?" Toby didn't want to do that again. It was Elliot's kisses that he would always want from now on, and other than a peck, they were done, but telling him would be more than difficult. This could get messy.

Rick licked his lower lip, trying to look sexy. "Well, you. Let's do New Year's Eve and spend the night. We haven't done that lately."

Toby wanted to be gentle. He did. But it wasn't inside him today. "Rick, New Year's is not a good day for me. Maybe some other time."

"How long are you going to chase after straight boys?" Rick put his hands on his hips, clearly angry. "Sleeping with your dog is that great?"

Toby clasped his hands together, searching for a trace of patience. He had to make Rick understand and words weren't coming out.

"Elliot will never care for you!"

Toby slammed the door as he left. He pulled at his hair and wanted to pound his head into the wall. Screaming obscenities would also be nice. Almost fondly, he remembered the days when he'd beaten the shit out of people. Chris would understand. Elliot would stare at him, appalled, and then arrest him.

Elliot caught him by the arm. "There you are."

"Where the fuck is Kassie?" Toby roared.

Elliot blinked and pulled his head back. "At the table with Alex."

Toby wasn't happy with that answer. He growled, "Where?"

"Toby, I suggest you take a deep breath." Elliot wrapped his hand into the shoulder of Toby's coat. "This way."

Toby snapped. He heard it. His temper was gone, and it wasn't coming back. "Get your fucking hands off me. I'm not your bitch." He shoved the hand, but it didn't move, and he went for the shot that counted. Elliot staggered back, and Toby yelled, "Shazam!"

Kassie wasn't there fast enough, but she got there, and Toby wrapped his hand around her leash. Elliot came at them, and Toby snapped, "Alert!"

"Toby, whatever is wrong, we can talk about it." Elliot put up his hands as Kassie pulled her lips off her teeth.

"Yes, Toby, go cry like a blubbering baby on Elliot's very straight shoulders," Rick sneered from the doorway.

Toby took one step, slapped him down, and took Kassie out the kitchen door. No one stopped them, and he turned her loose when they were in the alley. She whined up at him. "Stand down, girl." He went to the right, and he wasn't going to stop walking until some of this anger and pain was gone. If it didn't work, he might try heroin.

*********

Elliot pulled Rick to his feet. "That was stupid. You okay?"

Rick held his face, breathing hard. "Toby did that?"

"Did you think he'd kiss you for that insult?" Elliot couldn't believe it either but for different reasons. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"He's totally hung up on you!" Rick brushed off his trousers. "All I did was ask him out!"

"I don't think he wants to go." Elliot had never seen Toby angry like that. Toby was angry in a way that Elliot understood. Occasionally, it was all too much, and the only way to deal with it was to hurt someone or run away. Toby had done both.

Rick smoothed his hand through his hair. "He needs to get over you."

"Insults aren't the way to impress that on him." Elliot shook his head. "I'll get Alex and leave, but Rick, you screwed up."

Rick didn't answer, and Elliot went to get his brother. Alex looked confused. "Kassie dashed off. I couldn't stop her."

"Toby called her." Elliot made a sharp motion. "Let's go. Toby ran out the back after bitch-slapping Rick into tomorrow."

"Toby?" Alex's eyes were big, but he didn't argue. They went out the front. "What did you say to him?"

"I told him to calm down. For once, it wasn't me!" Elliot looked up and down the street. "Toby's on the edge, and Huang probably pushed him there."

Alex rolled his eyes and groaned. "No dinner?"

Elliot glared at him. "Not right now." He went for the car, taking Alex with him. "We'll cruise a little and see if we can spot him."

"He might've gotten a cab." Alex got in the car with him. "Call him."

Elliot already had his phone out. "No answer. He's pissed. He's walking." He got them moving. "What did you want to talk about?"

"I'm selling the rental business."

Elliot stared at him for one second before jerking his eyes back to the road. "Why?"

"Judy told me to, and she was right. Neither of us wants to do it any longer." Alex was looking on his side of the street.

"And the painting?"

Alex smiled. "She's running the books. It's going to work out fine. I may hire someone to do undercoats."

"Good for you. That's great news." Elliot slammed on the brakes and parked fast. "There. Come on."

Alex got out, but Elliot didn't wait, and he didn't get there in time to see anything, but he knew what had just happened.

Toby's eyes were dark, and he looked killing mad. "Go the fuck home."

"Alex, take Kassie to the car." Elliot jerked the leash from Toby's hand and pushed Toby back when he tried to stop him. Kassie looked confused, but she went with Alex, and Toby only glared.

"My fucking dog!" Toby raged, and Elliot went right at him. Hands reached and wrapped, and Toby shook him. "You need to butt the fuck out!"

Elliot pushed him against the bricks of the alley. "Why the hell are you doing this? You gonna be able to take care of her stoned out of your mind?"

"Fuck you!" The vein on Toby's forehead pulsed.

Elliot shook him. "You've lost it, and I want to know why!"

Toby slugged him, and he took it. "I'm not one of the good guys, okay? I'm a fucking skel. You said it a hundred times!"

"No. You're better than that." Elliot turned him loose and didn't duck the fist that struck him in the chest. It hurt, but he'd take it. "Getting high is gonna fix this? Make it better? No!"

Toby whipped away from him and slapped his hands against the wall. "Arrest me. Send me back. I don't belong in this world."

Elliot rubbed his face. "So you're pissed off? Big damn deal. I'm angry every thirty minutes."

"Chris would understand," Toby muttered. He leaned against the bricks. "I'm trash, nothing but piece of shit!"

"No, you're not, and I understand!" Elliot stepped away from him. "You get your act together. I'm parked that way. I'll keep the dog if you're going to get high. She doesn't need to see it." He couldn't watch any longer either, and he wasn't going to discuss Chris Keller.

*********

Toby punched the wall until his knuckles bled. Finally, he threw the drugs in the gutter and went out to the sidewalk. He could see the car, but he wasn't ready to go that far.

"Back so soon?"

Toby ignored the drug dealer. He was angry, yes, and he felt like shit, yes, but he wasn't going to throw his life away. Was he?

"Don't dis me, you little shit!"

Toby turned and saw the glint of the knife. He tried to get out of the way, but it cut his coat sleeve to ribbons. "You fucker!"

And Kassie was there. Her anger made his look ridiculous, and he grabbed at her, hauling her back. The drug dealer didn't stick around to argue with her. "Kassie, stand down!"

She growled and shoved her head into him. He crouched down and held her tight. "I'm not worth all that."

"She doesn't agree," Elliot said. "Neither do I."

Toby took several deep breaths. "You're both wrong."

Alex helped him up. "I'm with them. You're all right. If you want to punch people, pick Elliot. He likes it."

Elliot groaned. He didn't like it. It was part of his job. "Let's beat it before the cops show up."

Toby agreed with that. He hauled Kassie to the car and got in the back fast. Elliot and Alex followed at a more leisurely pace.

"Gee, think he'd been to prison or something," Alex said when he got in the car.

Elliot laughed. Toby slapped the back of Elliot's head. "You two should butt out when a guy storms off."

Alex and Elliot exchanged one of those looks that brothers understand. Kassie licked Toby's face to let him know it was okay.

"All right! I had a damn hard day. Huang tore my ass to pieces and then the doctor at the clinic made me recite every--" Toby stopped talking when Elliot's eyes raked over him. "Fuck it," he muttered.

"Food would be good," Alex rumbled. "I bet our table is gone."

Toby didn't want to face Rick again tonight. "Elliot, do not go there."

Elliot put it in park. "Too late." He turned and looked at him. "Can we have dinner without you punching someone in the face?"

"Maybe." Toby hid behind Kassie. "Fucker shredded my coat." He took it off and got out of the car. Apologizing to Rick was going to suck, but he would do it.

"Give us a minute, Al. Go get a table."

Toby waited until Alex was gone. "What now? Are you going to arrest me?"

Elliot stepped into the shadow made by the building, and Toby nearly protested when a long arm reached out and pulled him. Shock was next as Elliot hugged him close. "No crying, but I do care."

"Ah, fuck. It's hard to be pissed now." All the anger rushed out of him as he breathed deep of the man he loved. He'd admit it. He loved him. He'd never say it, but the words weren't necessary, and it was possible that only Chris could understand this kind of love. "Thanks for not letting me slide over again."

Elliot put his lips next to Toby's ear. "I might not always be around. Figure out what went wrong today and don't do it again."

"You took Kassie." Toby stepped back and poked him in the chest. "Alone is a dangerous place for me to be!"

Elliot's eyes were sad. "Toby, she's a dog. They don't live fifty years. You've got to find the strength inside yourself."

Toby felt the hard slap of reality. He had eight or nine more years. Nothing lasted forever. Not Genevieve, not Chris, and not Kassie. Even Elliot might end up dead. He shuddered out a breath. "It's not in me."

"Not right now, but ya think you could come up with something by tomorrow?"

Toby slugged him hard. "Now I feel better. Let's go eat." He followed Elliot through the door, and they got that look from the maitre 'd. "He hates us."

"He's a cat person," Elliot whispered. "There's Alex. You gonna apologize to Rick?"

"Haven't made up my mind about that." Toby felt as if he should brush off the filth that he'd nearly sampled. "Lie down, Kassie, and I'll get you a treat."

She hit the floor hard.

"Toby! You hit Rick!" Brian, of course, using his voice that sounded like the trumpet of doom. He punctuated all this by kissing Toby firmly on the mouth. "Alex, one kiss?"

"You wish." Alex laughed and slapped Brian on the ass, which he loved. Toby could tell. He went to find Rick and apologize. Brian took Toby's chair, of course. Toby wound his way through the full tables back to the office but stopped to wash up in the restroom. His hand was going to ache in the morning, but he didn't give a damn.

Toby pushed open the office door, and Rusty had an ice pack on Rick's face. "Toby, he's going to have a bruise!"

Toby bit his lip so he didn't laugh at the drama. Rick pulled the ice down. "Toby, I am so sorry. I was such a bitch."

"You were, but I forgive you, and I'm sorry I lost my temper." Toby waited until Rick was up and then hugged him. "I really am. My shrink made me crazy."

Rick leaned against him. "I never should have talked about Elliot. I know it's hell to love someone who doesn't love you back."

Toby took the ice and put it back on Rick's face. "Elliot gives me all he can, and really, what more can we ask from each other?"

"God, that's romantic." Rusty sighed. "I have to go kiss Brian."

Rick laughed as Rusty left the office. "Will you come to New Year's? I won't harass you."

Toby kissed him. "Rick, I can't. It's too hard."

"I won't ask again." Rick put his arm around him. "You miss someone that much?"

"Yes, and it's not Elliot." One thought about Chris and his throat closed up. It was that time of year. Usually, he wasn't so maudlin. "Can I still eat here tonight?"

Rick stuffed the ice pack in Toby's jeans. "Whatever."

Toby laughed and scrambled to get it out. Rick caught Toby's hands and they tussled. When it was over, everything was fine again. Toby was relieved. He needed his friends.

********

Elliot began to think that Toby wasn't coming back and they never would be served. Rusty and Brian had gotten them drinks, but some food would be nice.

"Here, Kassie." Toby put a burger on a plate between her paws. "Thanks for saving my ass."

"Hey, I opened the car door," Alex said with a trace of annoyance. "That's a big burger!"

Toby widened his eyes and stroked his hand down Alex's face. "Poor baby."

Elliot hid his grin as Alex shoved him away. Rusty and Brian didn't hide anything, laughing loudly. Rick and two waiters descended on the table, and there was suddenly enough food for everyone. Alex caught Toby by the ear and twisted. The laughter was good to hear, and Toby looked better. He'd nearly crossed the line tonight. It had been damn close. Elliot breathed a small sigh of relief. He stayed quiet and watched everyone talk. Toby's hand was going to hurt in the morning. Elliot rubbed his ribs while no one was looking. He might be a little sore also.

"Alex, you're incredibly popular." Elliot smirked. "Isn't Judy jealous?"

"I bought her a new car." Alex grinned. "I have some rope to run on now, and she knows I love her."

Elliot saw that Toby was listening. "That kind of trust is pretty rare. Don't screw it up."

"Always the smart brother." Alex threw a roll at him. Elliot caught it and took a bite. He slipped the rest to Kassie. The table was expanded into two tables and then three and finally Rick started to look worried. Alex had a following. These people sure as hell didn't want to talk to him. Of course, more than half were friends of Brian and Rusty.

"You know any of these people?" Elliot asked Toby.

Toby tapped Rusty on the head. "Switch seats with me. I have to ask Elliot something."

Rusty winked. "I certainly hope it's not a fashion question."

"Trust me. It isn't." Toby kissed Rusty on the way past and sat down next to him. "What?"

"Place is noisy. I asked you if you know these people." Elliot knew he was close to glaring. "And do you have to kiss everyone?"

Toby looked down at his hand. It was swollen. He spread out his cloth napkin, put some ice in it, and put it on with a tiny hiss. "I know these people casually through Brian. They adore Alex, and adore is the right word. And Rusty likes my kisses." He shrugged.

"I bet that hurts. My ribs didn't give you that." Elliot took the napkin off and added more ice to it. He couldn't exactly tell Rusty to quit kissing Toby. That would be a huge mistake.

"Did I hurt you?" Toby was intent now. His eyes were big and very blue. "I lost control."

Elliot laughed. That was the understatement of the evening. "I'll have a bruise or two." He lowered his voice and leaned that much closer. "New Year's Eve is the problem, right?"

Toby seemed to take a very deep breath. "Yes."

"You can tell me about it, but I ain't gonna ask." Elliot finished his only beer. He still had to drive. "Try not to end up in lockup, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah," Toby growled, and he did sound mean. "Maybe I should volunteer to spend the day there, just in case."

Elliot smiled and raised his eyebrow at him. "I can arrange that. Let me know."

Toby looked as if he was considering it. Elliot didn't know what had happened on New Year's Eve, but he'd bet Alex's last dollar that it had to do with Chris Keller. Toby must have loved him. In prison, that was practically impossible, but it did happen. The thought was an uncomfortable one. Elliot assumed he had a lost cousin who had ended up dead in Oz. It was one explanation for their looks, but the idea that Toby loved them both was almost…

"Elliot!"

Elliot looked at his brother. "What?" He pitched his voice to be heard.

"You're the smart brother. What was the first thing I ever painted?" Alex was playing to his crowd.

Elliot had to think about it. "The cat."

Everyone erupted in laughter, and Toby smiled at him. "Really?" It was a whisper in the storm, but Elliot heard it clearly.

"Yes. He painted him green. Mom was furious." Elliot wasn't going to ask Toby about Chris. That would be a bad idea. "I think nine years in the hole on New Year's is enough. This year, try something different."

Toby's eyes flashed to angry. "The hole is better than some places."

"Whatever it is you're running from is only as crappy as you make it." Elliot made up his mind to say nothing else on the topic. His ribs were sore enough.

*********

Toby was having a good time, but it was tainted with the baggage from the day. He couldn't seem to push all the words from his mind.

"You have to work on developing coping mechanisms that are healthy," Huang said.

"How many partners have you had in the last six months?" The nurse frowned, reading from the questionnaire. "Anal sex or oral?"

"Whether it's drugs, alcohol, or your dog: none of it can help you long term. You've got to rely on yourself." Huang was so sure of himself.

The nurse seemed to sigh at Toby's answer, going to the next question. "What drugs have you been using?"

Toby tried to unclench his jaw. He was a loser slut, and today had pounded that message home again. Chris had loved him anyway, and no, nine years of going to the hole for New Year's hadn't been enough. Damn Elliot for looking at the sheet from Oz - nosy cop. They were never discussing Chris. Toby had dropped enough hints about it, and what was left was none of Elliot's business. Elliot would think it was transference. Toby loved Chris so he had to love Elliot. Blah, blah, blah. Convincing him otherwise would be impossible. Elliot didn't even look that much like Chris, and Alex looked like him too, and Toby wasn't in love with Alex. Of course, licking him from top to bottom would be fun.

"Toby, don't drool over my brother." Elliot pushed the ice down a little harder.

Toby flinched and glared. "I wasn't! Not much. But, no one in this room would blame me if I did."

"I would." Elliot sounded unhappy. He was also glaring right back at him. "And I count."

"Not very high." Toby took the ice off and flexed his hand. "This place is getting crazy. I'm going home. My day sucked."

Elliot looked amused. Toby blushed at remembering how he'd started this day. He should keep his mouth shut more often. "Come on, Kassie."

She crawled out from under the table and took a long stretch. A number of people gasped, not having realized that she was under there. Elliot stood and went to his brother. Toby dug out a couple of hundreds and put it under his drink. It would be enough for him and Elliot.

Rick caught him around the waist. "You okay?"

"Tired." Toby kissed him but not on the mouth. "Sorry."

"Me too." Rick smiled. "Is Elliot driving you home?"

"Either that or I'll grab a cab. See you later, but not until next year." Toby kissed everyone goodbye and caught the look from Elliot. Elliot didn't like him kissing Rick. Alex waved goodbye. He wasn't quite finished being the center of attention. Toby took a deep breath when he got outside. He just didn't see how what had started out to be a good day could go so wrong.

Elliot hustled him to the car. "You have to buy a new coat."

Toby put his ripped one back on. It was something to keep the cold away. "That was exhausting. Wake me when I get home."

"How do you know I'm taking you there?" Elliot asked.

Toby popped open his eyes. "Kassie's dog food is there." He had two more days to get through until the next year and crawling in his bed for both of them sounded good. "I'm not going to be good company. Maybe you should kick my ass to the curb and go home to nurse your bruises."

Elliot put his hand on his ribs and groaned. "Do I get an apology or a kiss?"

"Guilt. Lovely. You know I hate guilt!" Toby unbuckled himself and scooted to the middle. He pulled Elliot's coat open and started on the buttons of his shirt. Elliot pushed him away, but Toby kept at it until he could see flesh in the dim light of the city streets.

"If I wreck, this is really going to look bad," Elliot mumbled.

Toby slid his hand inside Elliot's shirt, probing for weak spots. "You're fine." His hand suddenly bumped into Elliot's package and he groaned. "Fuck. You feel good. Did I hurt you at all?"

"Yeah. You punch pretty hard, and I didn't appreciate you taking a shot at my nuts!" Elliot shoved at him again, and this time Toby went. Toby sighed. He did feel guilty now. He'd have to kiss it better. Elliot parked the car, and Toby realized that he was home. Now he had to get out. Elliot quickly re-buttoned his shirt. "We going up?"

Hope flared inside Toby's heart and he got out before Elliot changed his mind. Kassie did her thing, and then they all went upstairs. Elliot seemed to hesitate at the door, and Toby pushed him through and shut it.

"You're all mine now." Toby smiled and threw the locks. "I know I'm nothing but a charity case, but you're a cop and they love to give."

Elliot took off his coat and hung it in the armoire. His face was almost expressionless, and the thought that Elliot was angry made Toby quiver a little. Today had been hell, and he wouldn't blame Elliot for walking away from him.

"If I ever see you buying dope, we're done. Done. I'll never look at you again and batting those big, blue eyes at me won't work." Elliot stretched, rotating his neck. His voice was calm, almost flat, but Toby heard a world of truth.

Toby let his coat hit the floor. His guts quivered and he wanted to slug Elliot again. "Staying clean isn't easy."

"No, it's not, but I want you to clearly understand what getting high will cost you." Elliot was facing him now. "There won't be any drama. We'll be finished."

Toby refilled Kassie's water dish while desperately trying to think of something to say. His mind was blank. Elliot might not understand the size of the commitment that he was asking for, but Toby did. Chris had wanted one thing - Toby's love. Everything else had been optional. Elliot had just asked for much more than that.

"Huang says that I have to do it for me," Toby whispered, his voice mirrored the lack of strength in his heart.

Elliot nodded. "Yes, and I wanted you to know exactly what you will lose." He leaned against a post and crossed his arms. "My life isn't going to end up as paperwork on my desk."

Toby didn't understand for a moment. His brain had to process that. It all clicked over. "You'd save yourself, like my brother did."

"I'd still care, but there isn't any reasoning with heroin." Elliot was staying across the room. "If you were family, I might feel differently, but what we have is much more..."

Toby filled in the blank. "Fragile." He slid his hand through his hair and winced at the slight pain. "I could hope that your passion for me is so overwhelming that you'd do anything."

Elliot's eyebrows went up and stayed there. "I was on that street tonight, wasn't I? I'll do whatever I can to help, but cross the line and we're done."

"Fuck," Toby said. He could see clearly the boundaries that Elliot was drawing. "Wait, you have passion for me?"

Elliot rubbed his eyes. "I'm through talking. You're just going in circles now."

Toby smiled. That was true. He did do that. "I'm sorry. I guess if I love you, I have a responsibility to you."

Elliot didn't answer. He went to the bathroom. Toby dropped to his knees and slid his hands through Kassie's fur. "And you. Sorry about tonight. I was a complete bitch."

Kassie seemed to understand. She snuffled and pushed her way into his lap. If Genevieve had drawn a clear line, would he have cleaned up his act? He wasn't sure. He'd loved his children. "I have a hard time with this shit."

She licked him, and he tugged on her ears. "You're right." He smiled at the sudden memory that swept over him. Believing that he was worth it was the hardest thing he could ever do. "It's time for me to take that leap of faith that Deakins was talking about."

Elliot held out his hand. "Where are you jumping to?"

"I don't know, but I'm hoping for a good landing." Toby let Elliot pull him up. "If we move fast, we can beat her to the bed."

*********

Elliot hoped that Toby's brain was done thinking for the day. "You think I should stay?"

"Kassie, go guard the door." Toby started on Elliot's buttons again. Elliot watched her march over there and take up position. She was on duty now. He hoped that meant he got half the bed. Reaching, he took Toby's shirt off with one pull. Toby flinched a little. "It's chilly in here."

Elliot avoided the obvious comment about warming him up. "Your scars are all bluish."

Toby glared at him. "Funny. You want handsome, you'll have to get with Rusty."

"You think he's handsome?" Elliot pushed Toby's fumbling hands away and finished the shirt. He tossed it on his chair and shoved Toby towards the bed. It was a gentle shove, but it would get the message across that it was too cold to be standing around, slowly undressing.

"Yeah, I do." Toby snapped the drapes shut. "Maybe Brian is more your type."

"Maybe not." Elliot caught him around the waist. "How long before you get the results?"

"Week." Toby unbuckled Elliot's jeans. "Should I stop?"

Elliot went ahead and lost patience with him. "Toby-wan, I'm about this close to kicking your ass."

Toby sat down hard on the bed. "I believe you." He shoved his everything off and crawled under the covers. Elliot was right behind him. "I taught Kassie a new trick."

"And?" Elliot really didn't want to talk any more.

"Kassie, lights!"

Elliot had to laugh as she used her big paw to turn off the light. He was glad for the darkness, and he hated that he wanted to do this but a part of him was screaming no. That was his father yelling, he was sure of it because his dick was ready. "This easy for you?" He hoped he didn't have to explain.

"Wasn't at first." Toby caught him around the neck and kissed him. "Part of me still doesn't get it. Huang would say we're conflicted."

"Don't say his name in bed, okay?" Elliot's dick went limp. "People aren't supposed to like both, are they?" His job had taught him that people would fuck anything, but that didn't mean he agreed with it.

"People don't worry you. It's us who worries you." Toby tugged him on top, and Elliot was careful not to flatten him. "Does it feel good?"

"Yeah," Elliot said. He could almost wish it didn't. His life had been easier before he'd known that it could feel good.

"Then here we are. If it didn't, we wouldn't." Toby's skin was hot now, and Elliot was hard again. He rocked against him, and they kissed again. Elliot was determined that this time they would do more of what he wanted, and since the lights were out it was possible.

*********

"Ah, fuck," Toby said and burrowed into the warm body next to his. One big sneeze later, he realized that it was Kassie. Events from yesterday swirled in his brain, and he was keenly disappointed to wake up alone with his dog, instead of curled around Elliot.

"Move it, ya mutt." Elliot crawled up from the end of the bed and dug his way under the covers. Toby was nearly shoved off, and Kassie looked offended.

"I thought you were gone." Toby turned and burrowed into him shamelessly. Elliot shivered once and then wrapped him close. It felt so very good that Toby groaned. "Guess not."

"I got up to piss and then Kassie had to piss and then coffee seemed like a good idea." Elliot's voice was muffled. "Really cold this morning."

Toby was willing to stay in bed with Elliot and Kassie all day. He had this day and then tomorrow was New Year's Eve. Today, he'd try not to think of anything because tomorrow would suck. Elliot kissed him on the forehead. Toby sighed, but quietly. Maybe he was exaggerating it. This year, he wasn't alone. He had friends, family, and a dog. Holly might call. It was possible. Staying away from the champagne was a good idea. He might drink the planet dry.

"Are you getting together with your family in the next two days?"

Elliot laughed, but it was quiet. "Trying for an invitation?"

"No," Toby said, meaning it. "Curious. Lots of football?"

"Should be good." Elliot's hand wandered over the landscape of Toby's chest. Toby didn't stop him, but he knew it was all tease. Elliot smoothed Toby's hair down. "Don't you have plans?"

Toby shrugged. He had planned on hiding. It was a big city, and he was going to disappear for a couple of days. Find a hotel, pay cash, and try not to think. "Food bank opens again next Monday."

"You avoided that question rather clumsily." Elliot's finger poked into Toby's belly button. "Do I need to put you in a room to get an answer?"

"You were sexy as hell in there. You should tone it down. I bet half your perps throw themselves at you and beg to confess." Toby gingerly tried to make a fist. That hurt. He sure as hell wouldn't be picking any fights today. 

"Little less than half." Elliot's fingers were trying to drive him wild. "Okay. I'll leave it alone. You go pout, and I'll see you next year."

Toby wasn't rising to that bait. Elliot was an expert at getting answers, but this time he was out of luck. His hand was wandering to Toby's backside.

"No playing with the swastika."

Elliot's hand jerked, just a little. "Sorry." He meant that. It was easy to tell.

"Just joking, ya dumbshit." Toby bit him on the neck but not too hard. "But, don't touch it, okay?"

"You have a lot of rules." Elliot was complaining. His eyes weren't happy. "Any other body parts I should avoid, other than your chest and ass?"

"Back." Toby flipped around and shoved his ass back into Elliot's groin. "Yeah. Like that. I'll put on some music and we'll dance."

Elliot sighed in what had to be a complaint. "Don't think so." His hands weren't moving either. "I think the coffee's done."

Toby knew a brush off when he heard one. He reached for Kassie and rubbed her ears. She liked that - the bed hog. He knew how he wanted to finish out the year, but he didn't see any way to get it. It wasn't that Elliot was stupid, it was that he was stubborn and still getting used to their bodies moving together. Toby swallowed hard. He should just ask. Elliot appreciated honesty. He did.

"Hey, um, Elliot, do you think that--"

"No, I'm not getting you coffee," Elliot interrupted. His cock bumped into Toby's ass.

Toby took a breath that came up from his toes. He was going to try again, but words failed him. Instead, he made Kassie go to her bed and opened the drawer on the armoire closest to the bed. Elliot's face went completely expressionless when Toby came back with a condom and some lube. Toby wanted to duck his head and hide like Kassie did. Instead, he moved back to the warmth of Elliot's body and waited to hear what the decision was going to be.

"Right by the bed?"

"Further away seemed stupid." Toby didn't like the way this was going already. He didn't need to be reminded that he hadn't come anywhere near keeping it zipped for a year. "Forget it. You don't want to and that's okay."

Elliot grabbed him by the hand. "Aren't you rushing into things?"

Toby didn't know how to explain that he needed it without sounding like a slut. He scooted towards the edge of the bed. "I'll get you coffee."

"Nope." Elliot pulled him back. "You don't hand a guy a condom and walk off."

"There are rules?" Toby looked at his dick. He was limp anyway. "I gotta piss. You make up your mind while I'm gone." He hurried to the bathroom to hide.

********

Elliot stared down at the condom. For him, this would be a huge step towards admitting that it wasn't just a blowjob and he was shutting his eyes and pretending it was Kathy. Shit. Toby wanted him to do that? Was he sure? Or did Toby want to use it on him?

Elliot shivered, and he didn't think it was from the cold, even though Toby did need a heavier blanket. The quilt was nice, but not warm enough. Of course, Kassie slept on him. Elliot rubbed his face. He was losing it.

Toby hit the bed and was under the covers fast. "Shit! It's cold!"

"Just tell me," Elliot said, "exactly what you want."

Toby wouldn't look him in the face. "Fuck me."

Two little words that made Elliot blush all over and his dick throb against his leg. He knew all about how and why, but he had never thought to do it. Toby's eyes were very blue.

"Uh, El? You breathing?"

Elliot heard from a great distance the sound of the belt hitting his backside. He dimly felt the burning pain and could almost taste the venom from his father's words that were yelled over and over again. Toby's body was hot and hard against him, not soft and smooth, and Elliot was finished with waiting. He knew what kind of man he was, and his father could stay in hell where he belonged.

*********

Toby thought maybe Elliot was having a seizure, but he suddenly tore open the condom. There were no more words between them only gasps, groans, and harsh breathing. Toby expected clumsiness or hesitation, but what he got was nothing but smooth moves and the heat from a man who knew exactly what he wanted and how to get it.

Elliot didn't rush. His hands were in just the right places, and Toby lost himself in the haze of pleasure.

********

Elliot didn't want to be greedy, but he wanted more. Toby looked stunned, but he wasn't complaining, not yet.

"I need some more sleep," Toby mumbled as they left the bathroom. "And a shower."

Elliot got some coffee and checked the thermostat. He turned it up. "Moron. You had it on sixty!"

"Used to prison maintenance." Toby yawned. He was already under the covers. "I like sugar in my coffee."

"I noticed." Elliot made it for him and took the mug over to the bed. He felt as if he should say something about the sex, but he didn't want to sound like an idiot. Toby took the coffee and thanked him. Elliot leaned against the cold wall and pulled the blanket. Two seconds later, he had a lapful of Toby, and he spread his legs so they were comfortable. Kassie came over and eyed them. Toby let her on the bed.

"Bunch of idiots, is what we are," Elliot muttered into his coffee.

Toby laughed. He was solid against Elliot's chest. "Will you be here when I wake up?"

"If you're on me, yes." Elliot drank his coffee, and when they were done, they put their mugs on the window sill. Toby pulled Elliot around him like a blanket, and Elliot didn't gripe about it. He fell asleep, too.

********

Toby grabbed another condom, Elliot, and went to take a shower. Elliot made a soft noise that wasn't a protest, and the upright shower was big enough, but it took some maneuvering. The water was hot, but Elliot was hotter, and Toby didn't want it to ever end.

"I'm shriveled," Elliot said. He didn't turn Toby loose. "Everywhere."

Toby laughed. He was too, but he'd enjoyed getting that way. Elliot snapped off the water, and they hurried to dry off and get dressed even though it was slightly warmer. Toby hoped that Elliot wasn't leaving.

"We could go back to bed," Toby said in Kassie's ear. She wagged her tail and dropped her rope on Toby's foot. He knew what that meant. She wanted to go to the park. He sighed, but he knew he'd take her. "You know that my coat is shredded."

She whined.

"I'll freeze and you'll have to go to the pound because none of my friends want your big hairy ass." Toby stared down at her.

She rolled to her back and put her paws in the air.

"Shit, bitch, stand up and demand it!" Toby smiled. She jumped up fast and ran to the door. Toby laughed. "I guess I'm going to the park."

"You two are weird." Elliot put on his coat. "Let's take the car, and then you won't die."

Toby got his coat, the rope, his smug smile, and locked the door behind him. Tonight might make him ache, but right now the only ache was a good one.

********

Elliot turned off the car and glanced at him. "Well?"

Toby shrugged as if he didn't care. "Yeah, it's getting late." He popped open his door but didn't get out. "Thanks."

"Not a problem." Elliot wanted to grab him and shake him. Get the truth out of him. "This about Keller?"

Toby looked at him now. "And if it was?"

Elliot bit his lower lip. "You didn't kill him."

"I love it when you do that." Toby didn't smile. "No, I didn't. I couldn't."

Elliot had enough answers. He didn't think they should discuss it again. "See ya next year?"

"Yeah." Toby got Kassie out and shut both doors. He waved, but Elliot noticed they didn't go inside. Elliot started the engine. He'd give him tonight. It didn't cost him anything, and a love that old wasn't a threat as long as Toby didn't do anything stupid.

*********

Toby walked down to the church. He wasn't ready to go home. It was hours until midnight, but lights out had been in five minutes, and he remembered it so well, even after all these years. That much love couldn't be forgotten. Hell had been behind them and in front of them, but they'd always had New Year's Eve.

"I haven't forgotten, Kassie. It's the one promise I've kept." Toby stopped in front of the church. He wasn't going inside. "You think Chris knows?"

Kassie sat down, looked at the church, and back to him. She woofed. He stared at her. That was twice. He squatted down in front of her and looked her in the eye. "Kassie, Chris, Kassie. You know, if I was a weirdo, I'd think something strange was going on here."

Her eyes sparkled at him. He rubbed his own eyes. He was hallucinating. She lifted her paw and put it on his knee. "So, what do you think about Elliot?"

She licked his face. He laughed. "Elliot, who? Right? It's all about you and me."

Kassie nuzzled him. He got to his feet. He was losing it. People did not come back as dogs, and anyway, Chris never would have been a police dog. Maybe a junkyard dog, but not a cop. Of course, she had flunked out, but... he rubbed his face again, trying not to be more stupid than usual. He started walking again, and Kassie fell in beside him.

"Chris?" He had to ask just once.

She looked up at him. He found a building to lean against and laughed until tears ran down his face. When he was finished, he kept on walking. They weren't going home until next year.

*********

Elliot got up and went to work. It was January first. He'd been off as long as he could stand, and he was going whether Cragen liked it or not.

"Already?"

"I did my best." Elliot grinned at his boss. "Happy New Year."

"Let's hope this one is quiet." Cragen went towards his office. This year was going to be different. Elliot was sure of that.

*********

"Rusty, are you alive?"

"I have no idea." Rusty groaned. "Who is this?"

Toby lowered his voice to a whisper. "When you feel better, call me, we'll go shopping." He clicked off. It wouldn't be that long before Rusty called back. Kassie jumped up on the sofa and put her head on his lap. They'd just gotten home, and she seemed relieved. "Happy New Year, Kassie. This year is going to be better. It has to be."

Toby's phone rang. "Hello?"

"Toby, it's Mabel. You still drunk?"

Toby smiled. It was good to hear from her. "I don't drink, Mabel, and Happy New Year."

"Happy New Year, and we should meet to see what's left in the pantry." Mabel hesitated. "Now."

Toby didn't argue, but it sounded odd to him. She sounded odd. "Sure. Kassie and I will walk over to the church."

"Now, right?"

"On our way." Toby shut the phone. He found his coat and his keys, and Kassie was willing to go along. It was cold, cloudy, and threatening to snow, but he didn't hurry. Yesterday had been one of the strangest days of his life, and he was still getting used to the idea that he'd made love to Elliot twice. His body still ached a little and it was a good thing. He was sure that Elliot was somewhere watching football today, but maybe later this week, they could find some time for each other.

Toby went inside the church, and Mabel must have been in Deakins' office because he could hear her voice. He went down the hallway, knocked on the doorjamb, and stopped in his tracks. Any smile he'd started to have slid right off. He put his hand on Kassie's head for strength.

"Toby, your brother wants to talk to you," Mabel said into the silence.

Deakins was trying to smile. "We're going to leave you two alone. Would you like me to take Kassie?"

"No," Toby croaked. He shut the door firmly after them. Mabel had lied to get him down here. Had they thought he wouldn't come? He was trying to focus on Angus, but his eyes kept sliding away.

Angus moved to the stained glass window and leaned against the narrow ledge. "Happy New Year, Tobias."

"Happy New Year, Angus." Toby didn't sit down. He needed to fall down, but he forced his legs to stay straight. "Is Holly okay?"

"She's fine. I came alone." Angus crossed his arms. "Are you drunk? High? You're very thin."

Toby knew then that he wouldn't be getting a hug. He looked down at Kassie, and her head was tilted. She was giving Angus the once over, and he would have sworn that her eyebrows went up. He tried to think of something to say. "I'm clean and sober." He hoped he sounded as if it weren't difficult.

"How long? A month? Two?" Angus's words could have sliced salami.

Toby didn't need to count on his fingers. He knew exactly how long it had been, but the question was so rude that he refused to answer it directly. Excuses boiled up, but he shoved them away from his mouth. "I was arrested. I've been clean since then." It wasn't a complete lie.

"For what?" Angus couldn't have looked any more scornful.

"Murder, rape, the usual." Toby guessed that Angus didn't take the New York papers in Paris. "Holly said that you were married."

Angus didn't seem to want to discuss that. "I spoke with Sister Pete before I came, and she said you were still an addict."

"She doesn't know everything." Toby was starting to feel resentful. "I haven't talked to her since before I got out."

Angus didn't look convinced. "I don't want you in Holly's life if you're dirty. I've protected her for too many years to quit now."

Toby studied his shoes. "Thank you for that." He'd wanted to talk this out, but now he just wanted to sink through the floor. "I didn't think I'd ever see you or my children again."

"Is that why you did heroin?" Angus's voice cracked like a whip.

"Mostly I smoked pot." Toby looked him right in the eye. "One of the reasons, yes. If I'd have known about the threats and the fact that you were leaving, it would have been easier than years of silence and then discovering that you were gone and no one knew where."

Angus pushed away from the window. He was very tall, like their father, and heavyset. "I made the decision. The people you were involved with were too dangerous. We were told when you'd be released. I intended to meet with you then."

"Thanks for that." Toby could only hope that was true. He felt off-balance and awkward, defending himself when there were no excuses. Frowning, he quit standing by the door. He sat down in one of Deakins' leather chairs and made Kassie lie next to him. "So why are you here? Piss test?"

"Toby! I won't let you hurt her!" Angus's face was flushed, angry, and Toby didn't want to fight.

Kassie eased to her feet and let out a low growl. Toby wrapped his hand around her collar. "Stand down. Stay."

Angus turned a little pale. "Holly told me that she was gentle. I can see that was a misconception. What other lies have you told her?"

"Angus, you're yelling at me. Kassie doesn't like it, and neither do I." Toby took a deep breath. He wasn't going to let this turn ugly. "Your anger is understandable, and I refuse to say it's undeserved. I have tried very hard to get my life together these last months. Holly and I are getting to know each other again, and I'm grateful for that."

"I'm not sure she should return. I was reluctant to let her come here in the first place." Angus didn't sit down. He paced a few steps and then came one step too close as Kassie lifted her lips off her teeth. Toby knew she wouldn't move. Angus didn't, and he went back across the room. "Aunt Mabel and Deakins think you're the greatest thing since white bread, but they haven't been hurt like I have!"

Toby tilted his head to the side. "Aunt?" He ran through the list of relatives quickly. "Wait a minute." He laughed. "Mabel is Mom's great uncle's daughter?"

"Of course." Angus rolled his eyes. "Which you'd know if you'd been sober a time or two at family reunions."

"I don't remember her." Toby didn't, but he'd been drunk a lot. "You sure she was there?"

"I don't know," Angus said with a sigh.

 

Toby got to his feet. Talking to Mabel about this suddenly seemed more important than letting his brother yell at him. "Come on, Kassie." He went out of the office and down to the pantry where Deakins and Mabel were taking an inventory. "Aunt Mabel?"

Mabel turned and rolled her eyes. "More like a cousin." She went to him and gave him a hug. "You didn't remember, and I wasn't sure how to tell you."

"No wonder you were always there when I woke up in the hospital." Toby grinned and hugged her tight. "Thanks again, by the way."

"You're family, even if we never met until you came slinking in here." Mabel patted him on the face.

Toby couldn't stop smiling. "I knew I wasn't that drunk. Well, I was, but I'd remember you. The last name should've tipped me off, but you were sneaky about that. I don't think I knew it until Thanksgiving."

"I didn't want you to think I was crowding you." Mabel looked almost shy about it.

"Well, this changes everything. I'm going to have to talk to Ralph!" Toby laughed and Deakins joined him. Mabel didn't look as if she agreed with that.

Angus cleared his throat. "You were in the hospital?"

"I had heroin poisoning and nearly died. I was also attacked by a police dog. Mabel stuck with me." Toby could admit now that he loved her. She was his family, and he needed it so desperately. "Family does that, even when it hurts."

"That's right." Mabel nodded.

"There's a time to cut your losses and run," Angus said, words dry as dust. "And no one here can argue that I was wrong to do just that."

Deakins and Mabel looked at Toby. Kassie gave a short whine, and Toby tried to find an answer. He had a feeling that he knew what Elliot would say. "No one blames you."

"But if you turn your back on him now, I sure as hell will blame you," Mabel snapped.

Toby groaned and took Kassie out the back door to piss. She seemed to take a long time about it, but he didn't want to know what they were talking about in the pantry. Even if Angus went home angry, Toby already felt better about having family.

"You know I set it up hoping he'd come here and get his head on straight, and if he never got out, the money would be helping people!"

Toby made Kassie lie in the corner. She didn't think much of Angus and his yelling. Deakins was nodding. "But you didn't even ask him. It was his money."

"I was going to tell him and send him here when he got out. I couldn't know they'd toss him early." Angus had his hands on his hips.

Toby caught Mabel's eye. She was about ready to get angry. Toby clapped his hands. "Okay. What are we fighting about now?"

"Money," Angus grumbled. "I decided to do some good with it, instead of letting it accumulate while you were in prison. I won't apologize for it."

"I agreed, but you said you'd tell him." Deakins did look a little pissed, and that was a first. "He'd have never known if he hadn't been arrested!"

Angus rubbed his forehead. "And this is my fault?"

"No." Toby stepped between them. "I don't care about the money. Let's all take a deep breath."

"Oh, be reasonable now," Angus huffed. He was really too old to pout.

Mabel handed Toby the clipboard. "You need to place the order tomorrow. Have you spoken to Caroline lately?"

"No, but I'll get on this in the morning. No big meals until Easter, right?" Toby scanned the list, glad for the distraction. They were low on everything.

"We don't usually do anything special for Easter, but if you find some hams, we could." Mabel nodded. "Rick is with us next year, right?"

Toby nodded. He assumed so. "Every time I turned around, Kassie was trying to snitch a roll from the fridge, so I bought him a freezer. Ramon is in charge of that, but I still need to pick up on Sunday and Thursday."

"You get Sunday, and Ralph will get Thursday." Mabel pointed at a notation. "Don't buy black-eyed peas beans again."

"Got it." Toby laughed. "I like them."

"You were always strange," Angus muttered. "Can we get back to the problem?"

Toby took the conversation where he wanted it to go. "Angus, there isn't one. I have a life. You can be part of it or not. Holly will make up her own mind also, and I'm thinking Harry is smart enough to make a good decision. I will always care for you. You're my brother, and I'm deeply sorry for everything that hurt you, but all I can do is my best from this day forward. I can't fix the past."

Angus looked at him for a very long time. "Actions speak louder than words."

"Lawyers are never impressed with windy speeches," Toby whispered to Mabel. He cleared his throat. "You're right. Are you flying out tonight? Do I need to call you a cab?"

Angus narrowed his eyes. "I was going to stay for a couple of days. I want to meet with several people from the law firm."

"Good idea, and by the way, I had your legal rights in regards to my money rescinded. Steven took care of it for me." Toby made sure not to smile. "How much do you have in the Caymans now?"

"Living in Paris is expensive." Angus looked slightly defensive.

"And New York isn't?" Mabel's eyebrows couldn't get any higher. "Toby, I'll call you later this week. Donuts on Friday?"

"Oh, please." Toby smiled, and she went out the back door. He snapped his fingers at Kassie. "Okay, I'm going to go find some lunch. Thanks, Deakins."

"For blindsiding you?" Deakins sighed and stuck out his hand. "I'll see you Monday."

Toby shook Deakins' hand firmly. "Don't worry about the money. I'd have just bought dope with it anyway."

"That's what I thought," Angus said, snarling out the words. "Just admit you'll never stay clean, and we can save Holly another heartbreak."

Toby clapped his brother on the shoulder. "Tell her whatever you want. I like drugs a lot, Angus. I just like my life now better without them. It's really very simple. You have a hotel yet?"

"No." Angus was glaring at him. "And don't invite me, because I'm not staying with you."

"Good. Kassie might bite your ass." Toby zipped his coat, noticing again the rips from the knife of a drug dealer. Angus had made some good points. Toby had come very close to starting this year high as a kite. Thank God for Elliot. Toby sighed. "Come on. I saw your bag in Deakins' office. I'll get you a cab."

Angus didn't agree, but they went back upstairs. Toby kept a sharp eye on Kassie. She really didn't like Angus. Well, the New Year had started off with a bang.

**********

"Elliot, you buying lunch?" Fin asked, and Munch looked at him expectantly. Elliot leaned back in his chair and checked the time. It was slow around here today, and he was glad for the break.

"Sure." Elliot took a long stretch before getting his coat. "But don't tell anyone where we're going."

Munch and Fin exchanged a short look. "'Bout time," Fin said.

**********

Now Toby remembered clearly why he'd hidden from his baby brother half the time. It was the whining and the complaining.

"You don't have a car?"

"It's New York. I walk nearly everywhere." Toby paid the cabbie and got Kassie out. "Your appointment at the firm isn't until three. We might as well have lunch together, unless you'd rather pout in your hotel room."

"Don't push your luck, Tobias," Angus snapped.

Toby got the door and made sure not to slam it in Angus's face. This family reunion was going so well. Fifteen years was a damn long time - that was clear. He spotted Rick immediately and waved him over.

"Rick, I'd like you to meet my brother, Angus Beecher." Toby tried to smile as they shook hands. "Could we get a table for lunch?"

"Of course! Wow, blond sure does run in the family!" Rick laughed, looking very surprised about the whole thing. Toby didn't even try to smile. He didn't sit down either. He made a lame excuse about the restroom and took Kassie with him. She detoured into the kitchen, and he went with her out the back. When she was done, he checked the freezer to see how much they were going to have for Monday, glad to see a lot.

"Are you hiding in here?" Rick asked in Toby's ear.

Toby jumped. "Maybe." He hid his face in Rick's shoulder. "Save me. Please. I wanted to see him. I did."

Rick laughed and kissed him on the cheek. "He'll go home, right?"

"I can only hope. Ironic, isn't it?" Toby straightened up. "This day couldn't get any worse."

"Well, yes, it could." Rick reached and tossed Kassie a piece of bread. "Elliot and his cop friends walked in right after you ran off."

"Ah, shit." Toby looked at the back door and considered it. "What were the odds?"

Rick put his arm around him and led him back out. "He's never done it before, so pretty high. Just grit your teeth and be polite."

"If Brian shows up, or Rusty, I'm running out the back." Toby meant that. He couldn't deal with them today. "And I thought Elliot had a stick up his ass. The two by four up my brother's butt makes it look like a twig."

They were near the table, and Toby made sure not to look at Elliot. The back door was looking better and better.

"I'll get your usual, Toby." Rick smiled, but it was clearly false to anyone that knew him. "What would you like, Angus?"

"Vodka martini. Two olives." Angus didn't smile as Toby sat down across from him. Toby could almost feel Elliot's eyes tracking him. Angus said with a touch of disdain, "The owner allows dogs in this restaurant?"

"She's a service dog. It's the law." Rick's smile never faded. "I'll be right back."

Angus gave Kassie a short glare as she settled under the table. It was mutual - they didn't like each other. Toby made sure her head was pointed at him. He pushed his coat off and tried to force his spine to relax. Rick was back very quickly with their drinks. Toby could smell the vodka, and it nearly made him drool. His brother had a look on his face as if he knew it. They'd grown older, but they were still teasing each other, and now it wasn't funny at all.

"Elliot is staring a hole in the back of your head," Rick said.

Toby knew that, and he didn't know what to do about it, but it might be opportunity to get to know his brother a little better. "Tell him that they can join us, if they want."

Rick stared. "You've lost your mind."

"Possibly." Toby was willing to entertain the possibility. Rick rubbed his forehead and went back to the bar.

"Are you close personal friends with all the waiters?" Angus was looking around the restaurant. "I'm surprised this place stays open if this is all the business it gets."

Toby opened his mouth to answer.

"Hey, Beech, how's the drug habit?" Fin interrupted in a voice that couldn't be considered quiet. Toby saw Elliot wince a little around the eyes, but Angus only smiled.

"Friends of yours?" Angus stood. Toby avoided that question, made the introductions, and invited them to sit. He didn't know Munch very well, but the hat was a nice touch. Brian would love it. Toby heard Kassie give a short complaint. She felt crowded.

"Kassie, come here." Toby got her out from under the table and put her next to him. She didn't lie down. She sat, staring at Angus.

"Santa Dog looks a little pissed off. You give her some kibble this morning?" Fin asked with his usual look of disdain.

"He probably hand fed her." Elliot grinned at Fin, not Toby. "Spoiled rotten is that dog's middle name."

Toby watched his brother's eyes. Angus was enjoying this. He had changed. Whether it was the poison from Oz, or the death of their mother and father, or the pressure of raising a child who wasn't his own - Angus was not the man that Toby had known. No wonder Holly's eyes had been so worried.

"To answer your earlier question, Fin. I'm still clean. Thanks for asking." It was Toby's turn to lie with a smile. "How's that donut addiction?"

"It's the sprinkles that he loves," Munch said. "The donut is merely the pipe."

Toby couldn't help but laugh. It was going to be easy to like Munch. Elliot smiled also, and Toby wanted to put his chin in his hand and stare at those teeth all day.

"So, how'd my brother become friends with members of the police force?" Angus looked eager for an answer. "He gave me some line about being arrested."

Their badges were in obvious sight today, and Toby stroked his hand down Kassie's head, waiting to hear it. The pressure of the conversation was taken off him now, and Elliot was close enough to combat the vodka.

"I arrested him. Are we friends?" Elliot shrugged. "Fin, would you say that's an accurate representation of the relationship?"

Fin tilted his head. "Not exactly. Any one of us would like to meet him in a broom closet for a lesson in police brutality, another one."

Toby sipped his club soda. He wasn't going to enjoy this, but it would give him a good measure of the man his brother had become. Death and violence had changed them both. Ultimately, the blame was his, but Angus was responsible for his own behavior now.

*********

Elliot wasn't sure why Toby had invited them to sit, but as the conversation flowed around the table, he began to think that it was a test. Toby wasn't talking, just watching, and occasionally, he put his hand on Kassie. She didn't like Angus. That was clear to see. She watched him as if she expected him to kick her at any moment. Well, maybe she thought Angus would kick Toby.

"Did you ever spend all that dough?" Fin asked.

Toby shrugged. "Someone has to pay for lunch today." He sipped his club soda, but Elliot saw him glance at that martini. Angus was drinking it one tiny sip at a time, and Toby was watching every mouthful.

Elliot slipped Kassie a French fry. She took it, but she didn't settle down to eat it. "Food bank opens on Monday?"

Toby nodded and suddenly smiled. "My dear brother, in the midst of calling me a drunk, reminded me that Mabel is a cousin of mine. I was floored."

"You're related?" Elliot grinned, unable to stop himself. He was glad. "I did wonder why she sat with you so much at the hospital. I also wondered how she got in the room to begin with."

"She's a cousin, but we called her Aunt Mabel." Toby was still smiling. It looked good on him. "If I'd have known, I'd have gone to her Christmas dinner. I--"

"Got high instead?" Angus interrupted.

Everyone at the table went quiet. Rick had walked up and even he looked upset. Elliot knew where Toby had been. Alex had mentioned it over New Year's Day football.

"You and Kassie worked at the homeless shelter that night so other volunteers could be home with their families." Elliot rushed to fill the awkward silence. "Alex told me. Did I tell you he's selling the rental business?"

Toby shook his head. Rick's eyes settled down and he smiled, but it was weak. "Ramon wants you guys to try something new. Are you up for it?"

"Definitely," Elliot said and glanced at his watch. "But we do have to catch a few bad guys today."

Rick whispered something in Toby's ear. Elliot watched Angus's eyes. Angus was about ready to open his big mouth again. When Elliot had seen him, he'd suspected family, the resemblance was strong, and Toby had looked near panicked. Angus had flown all the way from Paris to bust Toby's balls - that was clear.

"Is your friend Rick a little light in the loafers?" Angus asked when Rick was gone.

Fin wiped his mouth. "You'd think living in gay Par-ee you'd have seen it before."

Elliot prayed that Angus wasn't a homophobe. This wasn't the place. Fin might shoot him, and Toby had that look of faint disgust on his face that occasionally led to violence.

"Excuse me for a moment." Toby left the table with Kassie right behind him.

Angus poured back some of that martini. "Well, I have to admit that I feel better about Holly coming to school here now that I know the cops are keeping a close eye on Tobias."

Elliot tried to think of something polite to say, but nothing came to mind. Luckily, Fin spoke up. "Toby is working hard to stay clean, and it ain't easy."

"When he fails, and he will, I don't want Holly hurt." Angus wiped his mouth and lowered his voice. "And that dog is strange."

"She's a police dog," Elliot snapped. He'd thought they had mentioned that. Angus expected Toby to fall off the wagon, and for some reason, it made Elliot's blood boil. "Encouraging your brother to stay clean wouldn't kill ya."

Angus shook his head. "I gave up on him years ago. He did his time, came back to us, and before the new paint in his bedroom had dried, he was back in Oz for running drugs. Drugs or alcohol, it's always one or the other."

Elliot didn't like Angus's tone or the fact that he calmly talked about Toby's life as if it were hopeless. "I wonder if Toby gave up on you."

"I had fully intended to forbid Holly to return to New York, but if I get some reassurance from you, I might change my mind." Angus looked in Elliot's eyes, deftly side-stepping the comment. "Will you contact me when he returns to drugs?"

"No, no, he won't. He might arrest me, but he won't be calling you," Toby said, putting several baskets of food down around the table. "Ramon fried some stuff. I have no idea why. Hang on, I'll get the dip." He was gone again.

"Not cool," Fin said. Elliot thought that was pretty accurate. He should've stayed over at the bar, and he saw clearly now why Toby had asked them to join them.

*********

Toby was surprised that the words didn't hurt him. He knew where his brother stood now, and after years of wondering, it was almost a relief to know the truth. Now, he could deal with it. Hell, he might run out and get high to prove his brother right. Either way, it was all out in the open, and that was fine. He put the bowls of dip around the table.

"At least try it. Ramon will be crushed otherwise." Toby tried to force a smile.

"Cops do like fried food." Munch was eying it. "I guess my arteries can't get clogged any worse."

Elliot was already eating. "Ramon is a genius. At least when it comes to dip."

Fin barked a short laugh and tried it. Toby did too, but he noticed his brother was sucking on that martini. Ripping it out of Angus's hands and downing it would be rude.

"What the hell did he fry?" Fin was holding it up and staring at it.

Toby didn't know. "Could be anything." He held one out to Kassie. She was still watching Angus with her cop eyes. She sniffed it and ate it fast. "Passed the dog test."

"She'll eat anything," Elliot mumbled around his food.

"That's not true. Watch." Toby looked right at Angus. "Hand her something."

Angus raised his eyebrows. "She might bite me."

"Not unless I tell her to." Toby handed him a leftover French fry. "Give it a try."

Angus took it and reached out. "Eat it, dumb dog."

Kassie ignored it. She might have been posing for a picture of stubbornness. Toby took it and put it back on the table. He had someone in his corner. Sure, she might have fur, but he still appreciated it.

Elliot tossed her something, and it was gone instantly. "Kassie has standards. Who'd have guessed?"

"She ain't no dummy," Fin said. Toby never knew whether to like Fin or not, but today he wasn't all bad.

Three beepers went off simultaneously, and all the cops at the table got up. They were gone so fast that Toby didn't bother to wave. Nine one one from Cragen were the magic numbers that made them disappear out the door.

"And that's how they manage to get out of paying the ticket," Toby said with real amusement in his voice. "Kassie, you better start washing dishes."

Rick came up laughing. "Was it that bad?"

"Elliot put some in his pocket," Toby said. "He said Ramon's a dip genius, which really doesn't sound like a compliment."

"Can I get another martini?"

"One drink limit at lunch." Rick didn't even look at him. "You got cash?"

Toby dug out his credit card and forked it over. "Kassie, go with him and bring my card back."

Kassie went off with Rick, but Toby would have sworn that she was grumbling. He turned his attention to his brother. "Tell Steven hello when you get to the firm."

Angus made a noncommittal sound. "Has he married yet?"

"He's getting married in spring." Toby was already worried about what he was going to have to buy them, probably a car. He didn't mention who the bride was. Angus wouldn't care. He wiped his mouth and excused himself for the restroom, and Toby picked up the empty martini glass and set it on his plate. He could trace everything horrible in his life back to that. Every murder, every rape, and every drug he'd shoved up his nose: it was all because of that.

"Do you want my opinion on your brother?" Rick asked.

"No, but thanks." Toby took the card back from Kassie, wiped off the slobber, and put it in his wallet. "One drink limit?"

Rick shrugged. "I think you've had enough. Sunday is roll day. Don't forget to be home for Ramon."

"I won't, but he doesn't work evenings anymore. I thought I was picking up." Toby pushed the glass over and got to his feet. "What's the plan?"

"He's going back to evenings. I need an under-chef, and he fits the bill." Rick edged closer. "Hug?"

"Just one and no kissing." Toby hugged him for one second. "Thanks. I needed that. I have a few things for your thrift store. Any ideas?"

"When you're ready, give it to Ramon. He'll bring it here, and I'll take it there. Got it?" Rick smiled and laughed as he walked off, past Angus. "Have a good day!"

Toby waved back. He put on his coat and made sure that Kassie wasn't chewing on Angus' leg. "Ready to go?"

"Is he a close friend of yours?" Angus had obviously seen the hug.

"Yes." One word was enough to put shock on Angus's face, and Toby didn't care.

Angus practically marched out of the restaurant. "I'll catch up with you later. Are you going home?"

"Shopping for a new coat," Toby said with a shrug. His arm was cold.

"Dogs can't be trusted. They'll chew up anything." Angus shot her another glare. She returned it.

Toby wasn't going to tell the truth about what happened. "Call me, if you want."

"Perhaps." Angus was gone in a huff, and Toby cast one long look back lovingly at all the whiskey bottles. Kassie hit him with her head.

"Don't worry. I won't." Toby took a deep breath. He wouldn't. "Let's go to the pet store. I need cheering up."

Kassie pranced, and Toby found them a cab. He was surprised the pet store was open, but they were closing early. All the salespeople knew Kassie now, and she thought she owned the place. He didn't have the heart to tell her that he wasn't buying it for her.

"No treats. You made out like a bandit at lunch." Toby snapped his fingers to get her attention. "Your rope is disgusting. Let's get a new one."

She seemed happy with that, and he bought some doggie bags. He always needed those. His phone rang as he signed the ticket, and he answered it. "What?"

"Do I need to put a call into homicide?" Elliot asked.

Toby smiled at the thought. "Shank bait. I never fully appreciated the meaning of those words until today. He went to a meeting at the law firm. No, I wasn't invited. No, I don't care. Yes, Rick outed me after you left. Any more questions?"

"He outed you?" Elliot's voice was soft.

Toby went through the door, made sure that Kassie had her rope, and leaned against the building. "It was an accident. Angus won't be back, and it's for the best. Kassie wants to bite him, and I don't have the strength to stop her."

Elliot hesitated. "You got my phone number?"

"That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. Yes. I'll be calling." Toby felt his heart spin in circles like the little faggot that it was. "Later." He clicked off before he said something stupid. "Come on, Chris. I mean, Kassie."

Kassie was ready for the park, and Toby hoped the rest of his day was quiet. He'd planned on shopping with Rusty, but the stores were probably closed, and Rusty had never called back. The cab dropped them off at the park near their apartment, and Toby played with her until she was filthy. She loved every minute of it.

Toby finally sat down on the bench to watch her romp around. He'd never wear her out. His phone rang again. "Toby's busy."

"Tobias, I get the feeling that your brother is dead set against you," Steven said. He had a talent for understating the problem.

"Ya think?" Toby threw the rope as far as he could while sitting down. "Is he trying to get the partners to stop payments to the food bank?"

Steven paused. "He's trying to convince us that you'll steal it for drugs, and that you shouldn't have access to it."

"Oh, ouch." Toby sighed. "My dad worked a sweet deal on those profits, and I hate to see Angus screw it up."

"Your father founded this firm, and his remaining percentage belongs to you and Angus." Steven was in lawyer talk now, and there was no stopping him. "Angus can't do anything, except make you look bad."

"Well, too late for that." Toby wiped some dirt off on his jeans. "Just nod and smile until he leaves."

Steven groaned. "It's not that simple. I have to go. We'll talk later."

"No, Steven. I don't want to hear it. Please." Toby didn't think he could handle it. "If there are legal changes, let me know, otherwise, I'm not interested."

"Are you sure?"

"Completely. Thanks for calling." Toby shut his phone. He might not answer it again today. There was no way to convince Angus of anything, and Toby didn't want to try. He did have family who cared, and he had friends that were better than gold, and there was Elliot and Kassie. It was more than he'd had in years. Toby whistled for her, and they walked home.

*********

Elliot was surprised to see Caroline calling him. "Did you change your mind about the wedding?"

Caroline actually growled at him, "No. There is a Beecher sitting at my dinner table, and I need you to tell me not to drive a knife in his heart."

"Do not do it." Elliot smiled. It was good to hear from her, even if she was thinking murderous thoughts. "Let me."

"Bring a shovel." Caroline was speaking so softly that she must be in the house. "I mean that."

"We'll use the river." Elliot nearly laughed at Fin's expression. "You know that he's got a point."

Caroline snapped right back at him, "That doesn't mean he gets to tell the world about it! He's Toby's brother! That should mean something!"

Elliot agreed completely. "It should, but Toby tore that family to pieces, and he accepts the blame."

"You're not making this better. I should've called Alex. He still has access to a backhoe."

Elliot laughed. "Smile and get through the evening. He'll go back to Paris soon."

"In several small boxes." Caroline hung up on him. Elliot leaned back in his chair. He hadn't liked it either, but he also knew that Angus had been hurt. Toby could never completely escape what he'd done, but to his credit, he didn't seem to be trying any longer.

"Think Beecher paid the bill?"

"Yeah," Elliot said. He was sure of it. "Either that or Kassie is doing dishes." He got up to refill his coffee. He'd go see Toby in a couple of days, maybe help out on Monday. Toby would have to get through this on his own. It was his family.

*********

Toby rubbed her hard with a towel. "It's your own fault. You rolled in the mud!"

Kassie shivered, and he groaned. "You big pussy! It's water, for fuck's sake!"

"Toby, are you torturing your dog?" Rusty walked in without knocking. "And you're naked!"

Toby left the towel on her and sent her to bed. "Shut the door! Freezing my nuts off!" He didn't rush to get his boxers on - Rusty had seen it before - but he moved that direction. "Stupid dog was filthy. I put her in the shower with me. You'd think I was murdering her."

"Poor smelly doggie." Rusty blatantly stared at him. "Rick said to check on you."

"I'm fine. Rick should butt out more often." Toby put on boxers and a sweatshirt before finding jeans.

Rusty didn't seem inclined to look away. "You should pose for a magazine."

Toby had expected anything but that. "The fuck? Did you smoke crack last night?"

"No, but I was very drunk." Rusty giggled. "Seriously, there's a magazine that documents abuse that occurs in prisons. They do photo shoots. You should call them."

"And drink deep from the well of humiliation? You've lost your mind." Toby put on socks and sat down on his bed, shivering one more time. "I need sex. Bad. How about the number for a rent boy?"

Rusty's eyes widened. "Rick will give you a hand." He licked his lips. "Brian would kill me."

"I wouldn't with you anyway. You're so pretty I'd pass out." Toby got to his feet and went to kiss him. "Okay, we have work to do on this apartment, and I also need a new coat. Will you help?"

"I'd love to!" Rusty took off his coat and scarf. He sniffed. "She will dry, right?"

Toby laughed and went to get the blow dryer. "We'll work on it."

*********

Elliot fumbled for the phone. "Stabler."

"Guess you were asleep," Toby said.

"Yep." Elliot was glad to hear from him. "Shouldn't you be sleeping?"

Toby didn't answer right away. "Maybe." He didn't sound sleepy. "You owe me for all your cop friends."

Elliot rolled to his side. "I'm broke."

"I'll take it in services rendered." Toby was smiling. He had to be. "I'll be in the broom closet at work tomorrow, okay?"

Elliot laughed. "I'll make sure to look before the janitor gets there. Hey, you okay?"

Toby paused. "He's right, but he's wrong, and I can't let him wreck my life."

"You can't." Elliot wanted to hold him. "Maybe things will change."

"Maybe." Toby sighed. "See ya before I'm fifty?"

"I should be able to make it." Elliot shut his phone as Toby clicked off. Toby was stronger than people realized. Elliot had seen it early on. Oz chewed men up and spit them out, but Toby had survived, and it was a shame that Angus couldn't see it for the victory that it was. Elliot shut his eyes and made a note to check the closet when he got to work.

*********

Toby worked at his desk all morning, trying to get ready for Monday. One of their suppliers wasn't answering, and he called Caroline, hoping she'd know why.

"They shut their doors. Sent everyone home." Caroline didn't sound happy. "I heard their loading dock is full of food, sitting crated with no buyers."

Toby narrowed his eyes. This was an opportunity that he wasn't going to let slide by. "Can we move on this?"

"Got money? A lot of it?"

"Yes." Toby wouldn't have quite so much when Rusty got through shopping today, but he had it. "I don't want the business, just the food."

"We'll need Steven's help. Can you pay for his time?"

"Of course." Toby nodded and made a few notes. "May I ask what your time is worth?"

Caroline seemed to hesitate. "I've been thinking about quitting."

Toby didn't rush out his answer. "You know what's best for you. But, why?"

"This business is hard enough without all the stupid policies that I have to deal with every day." She didn't sound happy. "If Elliot worked with these people, his gun would be empty by lunch."

The frustration was loud and clear, and he had an idea. "So, I heard there's a food company for sale. Shut its doors just recently. Think those people want their jobs back?"

"I don't have the money," Caroline growled.

He wasn't sure he did either. "Steven might, and Alex, me, and even Elliot might be able to toss you a twenty. All you need is a big enough down payment to convince the bank that you're serious."

Caroline was quiet a very long time. Toby thought she might have hung up on him. Finally, she whispered, "We don't take charity."

"Charity? If I invest in your business, I sure as hell better see profits!" Toby laughed because she needed to hear it. "Caroline, do it, but get me that food before some idiot throws it away."

"On it." Caroline hung up, and Toby sat back far enough to pat Kassie on the head. "That worked out well. I'll give her an hour before I call her back."

A knock on the door got him to his feet, but he knew who it was by the curl of Kassie's lip. Toby opened it anyway. "Hey, I thought you went home?"

"Tomorrow." Angus came inside without invitation. He took a good look around and said, "I would've thought that orange and grey were more your colors."

Toby made Kassie go to her bed. He could hear her rumbling. "Hi, Angus. It's good to see you. Did you have a nice time last night?"

Angus took the sofa, taking his coat off and tossing it. "I had dinner with Steven and his fiancé. Nice girl. Beautiful. Steven lucked out there."

Toby went to his desk and shut his laptop. "I dated her first, but she picked him."

Angus laughed. "Guess she's smart too." His eyes were still darting around. "Did you buy or rent?"

"Does it matter?" Toby got a soda and offered Angus one, but he waved it away. If Angus called Caroline a 'girl' to her face, she'd kick his balls through the roof. Toby sat in Elliot's chair and waited to hear it all. He wasn't all that interested, and that worried him. Shouldn't he care what his brother had to say?

"I spoke to Holly this morning. She won't be returning to Hudson." Angus looked happy about driving that shank right in Toby's back. "She understands the danger you pose."

Toby wondered what Angus wanted from him at this point. He'd apologized, he'd groveled, and he'd been polite in the face of rudeness. Now Angus was just hurting him, and it did hurt. He could only pray that Holly would make up her own mind and at least call him occasionally. He'd gotten an email from her last night, and she hadn't mentioned any of this.

"Angus, why are you doing this to me?" Toby really wanted to know.

Angus leaned forward. "I had a lot of years to think about it. You fucked us over for some prison piece of trash, and I know you can't be trusted. You'll do it again. I will never let you close, and I'll do everything I can to make sure your children don't make that mistake."

The anger and pain in Angus's voice hit Toby hard, and he was glad he was sitting down. "I appreciate your honesty. Now, get your coat and get out."

Angus didn't move, but his mouth dropped open. "You're not going to apologize?" he yelled.

Toby rubbed his hands down his thighs. "I did that yesterday, but I am sorry. I'm sorry for all the missed birthdays and missed holidays. All the phone calls and the letters we never shared, and the grief that we couldn't help the other through. I'm also sorry that I hate myself for missing fifteen years of your life." He took a breath. "I'm very sorry that I believed you might still care. If I were high, this would be easier to blame entirely on myself, but I'm painfully sober and I see clearly that you will never want a relationship of any kind no matter how many times I apologize. That is your decision, and I respect it. The door." He pointed. "Is over there."

Angus still didn't get up. "Don't put this on me."

"As if I could." Toby drank his soda in the painful silence, but Angus wasn't leaving. Toby's phone rang, and he was happy to get it. "Hello?"

"I'm on my way. Is it okay if Brian comes along?"

"Don't be stupid. The more, the merrier." Toby wasn't in the mood, but he'd go and smile. This meeting with his brother had done nothing but solidify the feeling he'd had in his guts for years. Angus didn't give a fuck about him. It was true, and he'd live with it clean and sober from now on, and it would suck. Rusty clicked off, and Toby put his phone away with a small sigh.

"Who was that?" Angus asked, pushing out his chin, eyes flashing.

"Friends." Toby smiled at the word. He was lucky there. "I've missed you, Angus. I mean, I missed the brother I knew. It's interesting to see the man you've become."

Angus frowned. "Our father would be alive if it weren't for you."

"I know. I should've gone to Vern and let him kill me. Fighting back was the dumbest thing I ever did." Toby had had years to think it through from start to finish. "The family could've had one funeral and called it good."

"I don't understand," Angus said, nearly pouting now.

"I know. You've never been to prison." Toby sighed and brushed his hair back. "You see, all Vern Schillinger wanted was me dead. I made the mistake of fighting to survive, and the one time I broke, Chris gave me hope. It was all so incredibly stupid. My life wasn't worth all the pain my family went through. Angus, go home. Be happy with your wife and little girl. Forget me. Don't let what happened ruin another life. Please."

Angus wasn't getting to his feet. "Promise me that you will never show up on my doorstep looking for drug money."

"I swear on my son's grave that will never happen. I will put a gun to my head and pull the trigger first." Toby stood and went to change shirts. He couldn't go shopping in a wife beater. Brian would throw a fit of epic proportions. Toby tossed it aside and searched for a clean one that wouldn't make his gay friends embarrassed to shop with him.

"What the hell?" Angus's mouth was open wide now and his eyes were wide, staring at Toby's body.

Toby put the shirt on quickly. He should've gone to the bathroom. "A guard set his dog on me. It left me with a few souvenirs." He buttoned, tucked, and put on a belt. "The ones on my back are more recent - courtesy of NYPD - the doctor says they'll fade."

"And you own a dog?" Angus practically screeched.

"Therapy run wild." Toby smiled at Kassie. It was ridiculous, but she wasn't really a dog. She wagged her tail and he made a note to buy her a treat. She deserved it for not biting his stupid brother. He found his Rolex, his wallet, and her leash, in case he needed it. "Have a good flight back. Please give Holly my love."

Angus was frowning. "I don't understand the man you've become."

"I don't either." Toby smiled at his brother, remembering so many things that they'd done together and most of it good. "You were always whiny. You should stop that."

"Hey, you were always bossing me around like you owned the world." Angus pointed at him. "I was sick of it by age four."

Toby laughed a little. "Mom told me to look after you. I was doing my job, but you got the last laugh. I failed miserably."

Angus nodded. "You sure as hell did. Glad you manage to remember it."

"We're here!" Rusty paraded into the apartment with Brian right behind him. Toby kissed them both on the mouth, hoping to stun his brother into silence, and then introduced them. Angus just looked confused. He was also speechless.

"I'm ready. I'm working a deal with Caroline, so we might have to swing by there." Toby didn't bother with his ruined coat. He'd buy a new one. He knew it was rude to walk out on his brother, but they'd said enough for one year, maybe too much. "She's having a hard day."

"Poor thing. We'll buy her something." Brian put his arm around Rusty.

"Steven's fiancé?" Angus had his coat on now. "You know her?"

"She's Elliot's sister, silly." Rusty smiled at Angus as if he were an idiot. "This is going to be fun!"

Toby made sure the door didn't snag Kassie's tail. "Angus, save yourself."

*********

Elliot lowered himself onto Toby's sofa. He wasn't getting up for anything. "The next time my sister calls, I'm not answering."

Toby slumped on the bed. "My muscles have muscles that hurt."

Elliot suddenly realized he was on leather. "Hey, this is a new sofa."

"Can't get an elephant by you." Toby laughed. "Supercop rides again."

"Oh, shut up." Elliot eyed the new chair he'd somehow missed seeing through the haze of exhaustion from filling a church with food. "Leather. Nice."

Toby groaned. "You shouldn't complain. You drove the forklift!"

"It was hard work." Elliot chuckled. He stumbled to the chair and relaxed back. "Oh, God, that's comfortable."

"You owe me a grand." Toby sounded half-asleep. "Wake me up for sex later."

Elliot shut his eyes. When his phone rang, he almost tossed it out the window. "Stabler."

"Elliot! I got it! It's mine! All mine! Well, except for a few investors, but it's mine!" Caroline screamed at the top of her voice. Elliot dropped his phone in his lap, heart racing. He didn't have to pick it up to hear her laughing and cheering and repeating herself over and over again. Finally, she wound down. "Uh, were you asleep?"

"Of course not. It's the middle of the day. Why would I be resting?" Elliot groaned and rubbed his eyes. "Good for you. Can I go back to sleep now?"

"Sorry," she whispered. "I gotta call Toby."

Elliot shut his phone, laughing. Toby was mumbling something, and he fell off the bed when his phone rang. Elliot could hear more screaming. He laughed and stumbled to the bathroom. Even Kassie looked worn out. She'd supervised the entire operation.

"Your sister is nuts." Toby squeezed past him and unzipped. "Family curse?"

Elliot splashed some water on his face. "She's happy. Stablers try to avoid that condition."

"I see why." Toby yawned and took the sink. "Did you invest?"

"Not telling. You?" Elliot hadn't had much, but he'd given it to her.

"Yeah." Toby smacked him on the arm. "I had all that money lying around. I figured I'd give it to someone in your family."

Elliot glared, just for fun. "I could've used it."

"You'd have bought porn with it. This was better." Toby pushed him out of the bathroom. Elliot grabbed tight and wrestled him towards the bed. Toby wasn't fighting very hard, and his hands were staying mostly on Elliot's ass.

Elliot managed to land on top, forcing a wheeze from Toby's lungs. "Let's hurry before someone else calls."

Toby pulled Elliot's neck, and they were kissing and thrusting and squeezing and pushing clothes out of the way. Elliot nearly came when Toby yanked him so close. Toby kissed him hard and thrust up, and Elliot's dick was inside him that fast. From there, it was a blur of motion and heat and tightness that drove him to come deep. He panted and groaned, his skin igniting, and Toby didn't quit.

"Fuck," Toby gasped, and Elliot shoved harder, finding a better handhold. Elliot let out a wordless cry when Toby clenched him hard and came again. Toby pulled him down for a long kiss, and they panted into each other's mouth.

"That shouldn't be possible at my age," Elliot whispered. He was really tired now. Toby refused to turn him loose, and he went to the side. The only sound was of the dog snoring, and they smiled at each other. Toby pulled the blanket over them, muttered something about sticky, and fell asleep. Elliot took the hint.

*********

"Dad!"

Toby whipped around so fast he nearly dropped a case of green beans. Kassie galloped up to lick her to death, and Toby wanted to get in line. He did give her a big hug, pushing Kassie aside. "Holly, I thought you weren't--." He bit it off, not wanting to say shitty things about his brother.

Holly kissed him on the cheek. "You didn't think I'd listen to him, did you?"

"Well, you should've." Toby couldn't stop smiling. He wasn't going to criticize this decision. "What happened?"

"I told him I was going. He waved his hands in the air, and that was the end of it." Holly handed him a package. "He sent this after he yelled a bunch of stuff that I don't believe and I'm not going to repeat."

Toby frowned. "A bomb?"

"No." Holly opened the box for him. He pulled the picture out and smiled again. She pointed. "I'm cute, huh?"

"Yeah." Toby put his arm around her. "Thanks." He would put it front and center at home. His brother had sent him a picture of his family, and that meant something. He'd think about what later. "You like your little sister there?"

Holly nodded. "She's a good kid." She was hugging Kassie. "You have to give me all the news."

"That'll take a while, and Mabel is gonna kill me if I don't hurry." Toby grabbed the beans again and got moving. Holly laughed and trailed after him with Kassie. Mabel frowned until she saw Holly, and then everything was okay. He tried to wipe the silly smile off his face, but it was hard. This year was going to be good. He could tell.

 

********

Elliot hated being late, but there was nothing he could do about the traffic. He went in very quietly, saw Toby, and slid into the pew next to him, being careful to step over Kassie's tail. "Did I miss anything?"

"Not yet," Toby whispered.

Elliot was glad and looked around. "We supposed to kneel or anything?"

"Just shut up." Toby took the time to glare. Elliot shut up and watched, standing when Toby did and refusing to sing. They recited the Lord's Prayer, plus a few words that Elliot didn't know, and passed the collection plate, which he added to because it was polite. He had begun to think it wouldn't happen when Deakins moved to the front and asked Ralph and Mabel to come forward.

"She looks great," Toby said.

"He looks like he might run out the door." Elliot thought that maybe everyone was holding their breath, but Deakins got them through it. He announced them as man and wife, and everyone clapped. Elliot blinked in surprise - Catholics never clapped - but he could see their point.

Everyone stood, and Mabel and Ralph went out first. Toby was smiling, and Elliot leaned to whisper, "Party in the basement?"

"Rusty and Brian were in charge of decorations, and Rick did the food." Toby looked very pleased with himself.

"What'd you do?" Elliot spotted Holly closer to the front and waved. "Why didn't you sit by Holly?"

Toby rubbed his forehead. "Could you turn off the cop stuff?" He dug in his pocket and handed Kassie a dog biscuit. "Good girl."

"Nothing for me?" Elliot laughed at Toby's disgusted look. The people made their way out, and Elliot followed along. Holly caught up with them by wiggling through the crowd, and Toby's pride in her was obvious to see.

"Nice job singing," Toby said.

Holly grinned and threaded her arm through her dad's. "You have a nice voice too. Next time, we'll do a duet."

"Uh, no." Toby didn't look as if he'd be changing his mind on that. "Elliot loves to sing. He told me so earlier."

Holly looked back at him. Elliot had to think fast. "I'm Catholic. If my parish priest finds out I'm here, I'll be doing Hail Mary's for a week." He shook Deakins' hand. "Good job. I thought Ralph was going to run."

"Me too." Deakins leaned over and shook Kassie's paw. "Kassie, I heard there are cookies in the basement."

Kassie looked back at Toby, and he sighed. "Go find Rusty." She was gone in a flash, and Holly giggled. Elliot agreed with the dog. It was time to eat, but he kissed Mabel on the cheek and shook Ralph's hand. They looked stunned, and he was happy for them. Toby might have wiped his eyes once, but Elliot wouldn't tease him.

"So, what did you do?" Elliot asked again as soon as they cleared the crowd and headed downstairs. He could hear the party already. "Humor an old cop."

Toby smiled and ran his hand through his very short hair. "They got a coupon for a puppy."

"I give up." Elliot rubbed his hand down his face in one quick movement. "Caroline is still upset about the gift you got them."

Toby threw up his hands. "I did my best! Now that was a crazy wedding. This is more my idea of a good time."

Elliot agreed. The older they got, it all seemed a little silly. "I asked to drive it the other day. She turned me down flat."

"Good." Toby suddenly grabbed Elliot by the hand and tugged. Elliot went with him without a fuss until he realized where they were. Toby took off his glasses and tucked them away. "Finally, me, you, and a broom closet."

"We will rot in hell for this," Elliot managed to say before Toby kissed him. One wasn't enough, and Toby had a wicked gleam in his eyes. A few more didn't seem like a problem.

Toby laughed softy and hugged him. "Thanks. Okay, there's a party. Let's go."

They went out fast and got in the line for the buffet. Elliot spotted so many little blonde girls that he thought he was hallucinating. "Mabel's grandchildren?"

"My cousins." Toby nodded and handed Elliot a plate. "And all of them are full of piss and vinegar like their grandmother. The world may not survive their onslaught."

Elliot could believe it. The crowd parted enough that he could see the wedding cake, and the mystery was solved. "A cruise ship?"

"Yep. Alaska. Mabel happened to drop a brochure out of her purse a couple of months ago. Amazing, isn't it?" Toby laughed at Elliot's expression. "Everyone in the family kicked in some money, but I'll admit I made sure they went first class."

Elliot could only laugh with him. "Kassie is drooling over the cake." He suddenly had a thought. "You're short two volunteers."

"I'm sure someone will pick up the slack. God helps those who help each other."

Elliot groaned. He knew what that meant. Well, he might find time, and he'd make Fin help.

********

"Rusty, why the fuck did I let you talk me into this?" Toby knew he was perilously close to yelling in a whine that would make Kassie howl.

"It's for charity - Amnesty International - which is a damn good cause." Rusty glared and looked stern, and Toby had never seen him like this before. "You said you would. Now get your ass through that door before I call your daughter and tell her that you're a big, fat liar!"

"Ah, fuck," Toby groaned. "She knows about this? Wait a damn minute!"

Rusty pointed at the door. "She doesn't know. Not yet. Now move!"

Toby kept his hand on Kassie's collar as they went through the door. This was the worst idea of his life, and the fact that two gay men could bully him into doing it really worried him.

"Don't slow down. You owe me big time!" Rusty had a point, but it was tacky to mention it.

"Tobias Beecher?"

"I guess so." Toby made Kassie sit. "He's making me do this."

Rusty stuck out his hand. "Rusty Garbaldi. You're Michael Sheppard?"

"Good to meet you both." Sheppard smiled, and they shook hands. "Nice dog. Maybe we can work her into the shot."

Toby swallowed hard. He wasn't sure why he was doing this. "This is anonymous, right?"

"You'll only be identified by your prison number, and that's not traceable." Sheppard looked him up and down. "No face, and you get final approval of the shot."

Toby was reassured, and yet, he wanted to run out the door screaming. "Rusty, you know I'm not ashamed, right?"

"No, you're horrified." Rusty hugged him. "It's time to get past it. No one cares. We love you."

"This would be easier if I had a joint," Toby muttered. He'd do it. It was for charity, and it would be months before the magazine came out, and no one would ever know it was him.

Sheppard smiled and waved an assistant over. "Great. If this turns out like I think it will, it'll be up at our website by tomorrow."

Toby turned, but Rusty blocked him. "Do not fuck with me on this."

"Shit." Toby went, but he indulged in a lot of cursing and grumbling. He made a promise not to find himself in debt to Rusty and Brian again. Rusty hugged him dozens of times, and by the end of it he was surprised that he felt better, not worse, about the whole damn thing.

"You're beautiful," Sheppard said, as if to himself. "Absolutely perfect. The problem will be choosing one picture."

Toby didn't agree with any of that. "How about we forget I was here?"

"No damn way," Rusty growled, and Toby was still surprised at this whole new side of him. "You should be proud. Some men wouldn't have survived or they'd have descended into the hell and become no better than the animals who do this type of thing."

"It was damn close." Toby pulled the bathrobe they'd given him for between shots a little closer. "Are we done?" He prayed that they were.

Sheppard look at him again and then at Kassie. "No, let's do a photo shoot with her. You didn't just survive, you conquered, and she's proof of that."

"I don't really like dogs." Toby saw the glint in Rusty's eyes. "And neither of us like melodrama."

"Toby would love to. He's proud of his dog." Rusty dug around in his bag. "And I have a dog brush with me."

"Is Bow Wow in there?" Toby never asked, but he suspected it occasionally.

Rusty ignored that and began to brush Kassie. Sheppard got Toby a chair. "Relax. I want to reset everything."

"Great," Toby huffed. "Rusty, when we get done, you're going to owe me!"

It seemed like days before he collapsed on his sofa, exhausted and half-blind from the flash of lights. Rusty had dropped him off and fled. Kassie flopped down on the floor also. She'd done her part. He shut his eyes and hoped no one called or came over because he needed time to think.

"You home?"

"Do you people ever knock?" Toby covered his face with his arm. One minute later, he was up and bolting for the kitchen cabinet where he'd dropped the packet on his way in the door. It was too damn late. "You nosy fucker!"

Elliot didn't look shocked. It was worse than that. "Why the hell did you do this?" he roared.

Toby tried to yank them away, but Elliot gave him the brush off and continued to look through them.

"Hand them over!"

"Have you lost your mind?" Elliot slapped them down. "Seriously! Have you?"

"Yes." Toby shoved them back in the folder. "I have. You can leave!"

Elliot sat down in his chair and put his face in his hands. "Tell me why."

"Rusty made me!" Toby knew that excuse wouldn't fly, but he had more. "It was a charity thing. He asked and told me I owed him like ten favors and I did it. I felt like a fool!"

"Kassie looks good."

Toby gasped as Elliot's words hit home. "I know I'm scarred and ugly. I sure as fuck don't need you reminding me! Now get the fuck out!"

Elliot looked up at him. "Wait, Toby. I didn't mean that."

"You sure as fuck did." Toby picked a picture at random and held it up. "Don't lie to me now! That is one ugly fucker!"

"Toby." Elliot stood and moved in close. "You have scars. We all do. I've seen children with their fingers burned off, men with slashed faces, and women beaten so badly they needed plastic surgery. You're not ugly."

Toby slapped the picture down, furious. "I guess I belong in your gallery of horrors. Just another stupid victim. Hell, I couldn't even fight off a Nazi!"

Elliot flinched. He lowered his head and rubbed his mouth. "You and I both said things we didn't mean before we became friends."

"But you were right." Toby wanted to bang his head against the wall. He took the pictures to the armoire and stuffed them in a drawer. "God forbid Holly ever sees them."

"I think she'd be proud you survived." Elliot came to him and didn't stop until they were wrapped up in each other's arms. "Stop hurting yourself over it. There's nothing wrong with you."

"That body putty couldn't fix." Toby sighed from his heart and held on tight. "It was a mistake to do it."

Elliot shrugged and kissed him. "Maybe not." He opened the drawer and pulled them out. "Let me look again without the shock."

"Shit, El. Don't." Toby pushed away and went to sit on the bed. He should've kept his clothes on, but Rusty had been counting on him. Elliot sat down nearby and looked at each one more intently this time. He frowned over a few of them. Toby wanted to crawl under the bed. "Stupid of me."

"Whoever shot these is a real professional. No face, no genitals, and yet the picture isn't lacking." Elliot actually turned one upside down. "You're not ugly. It's a shock, at first, and then it's easy to see your strength."

"He posed me. I nodded a lot." Toby flopped back and put his arm over his face. "Kassie does look great."

"I like the way he put her at your back and you're both looking away." Elliot poked him in the leg. "What are they doing with them?"

"I'm not telling." Toby didn't want to think about it. He pushed off his shoes. "I'm tired."

Elliot was suddenly on him, peeling the arm away and kissing him. "Too tired?"

Toby was hard before the last word faded away. "I am ugly. Admit it, and we'll fuck."

"No. You're kinda geeky with short hair and glasses, but that's as far as I'll go." Elliot bit him on the neck. "Tell me."

"Internet, magazine, and a book. I'm not going to look or ask and Rusty promised to never tell me." Toby thrust his hips up. He reached and peeled Elliot's shirt right off. "Now you're beautiful."

Elliot crossed his eyes. "Alex is handsome. I'm the smart one. How about we admit that we like each other and call it good?"

Toby smiled. "You like me?"

Elliot bit him again, and that was it. Toby stopped thinking. He had scars, but Elliot didn't seem to care, and he was the only one that mattered besides Kassie. Toby made up his mind to make tonight last. He had a few things he'd wanted to do with this beautiful body, and it was time to get started.

"No stick up your ass tonight," Toby said. They laughed and moved together.

********

Elliot pulled the fire escape ladder down and went up. It'd been a week since he'd seen him, but that didn't mean he didn't keep tabs on him. Caroline was always willing to talk, and Rusty loved to volunteer information, and they both agreed that Toby had a wild look in his eye. Elliot sat down next to him and said, "What's going on?"

"Kassie is begging for puppies, and I'm hiding out here." Toby shot her a glare. "Slut!"

She whined from her spot on the bed. Elliot rubbed his mouth. He would try not to laugh. "This is serious. Maybe just one?"

"Don't even take her side. Next year is soon enough." Toby glared at him now. "Holly is begging worse than Kassie."

"It's spring. Love is in the air." Elliot laughed. "Rusty is definitely in heat."

"He's shameless." Toby slugged him. "I can't deal with puppies and Harry's visit. I've done the research. She'll give birth the day Harry flies in from San Diego."

Elliot saw the reasoning behind that. "Kassie, you are out of luck!"

Kassie tried to look pitiful. Toby hid his face on Elliot's shoulder. "Thanks. She listens to you."

"Toby, you saw Huang today, didn't you?"

"Yeah." Toby sighed. "Kassie stayed home. She cried. God, I need a life."

Elliot hugged him. "Yeah, you do, but I'm not sure you have time for one. You seem a little busy."

"Caroline uses my meager lawyer abilities shamelessly, and I blame you for that." Toby slicked his hands through his hair. "Why did I ever date you?"

"It was the wacky weed." Elliot laughed. This was all hilarious. "I gotta get a soda, sit in my chair, and watch the news. Want me to shut the window?"

Toby sighed. "Nah." He followed him inside. "Kassie, go to your bed, or I'm giving you a bath."

Kassie glared but went. Elliot whistled. "Pulling out the big guns." He snatched a soda. Toby caught him before he sat down. Elliot was willing to give up a kiss. "What?"

Toby picked up a remote and pointed it at the stereo. Elliot groaned at the music. He stared down at him. "Uh, no."

"Just once?" Toby's eyes were big and blue and he looked vulnerable. Elliot put the soda down and gave up. Once wouldn't kill him.

"Tell Rusty, and I'll shoot you."

"Shoot me, and I'll tell Caroline."

Elliot put his head near Toby's. "Tell Caroline, and I'll put Kassie and Bow Wow in a closet."

"You win." Toby giggled. He didn't hold him tight, and they were barely moving. The music played on, the sun went down, and Kassie watched them sway through dark eyes. Toby was hers, but she was willing to share, occasionally, as long as they didn't make a habit of it.

********  
End

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this series for years, and it's time to turn it loose into the world. I'm still not entirely happy with the rhythm and flow of the last two chapters, but there comes a time to call it good, and I'm there. Thank you so much to everyone who has stuck to reading this over the years!


End file.
